My sister’s husband has made her ill

[Setroinh]

My lovely sister has been extremely destroyed by her pathetic husband. He’s completely vanished. Six weeks ago he sent her an email telling her he “couldn’t do it anymore”. BIL was working in Stockholm, we obviously speculate he has met someone. Completely left sister in the lurch - school fees, bills etc. Sister helped with the business admin but BIL did the actual work (she is not trained to do). She has cried, stopped eating, had panics attacks, contemplated suicide. It’s been horrendous.

My immediate family are supportig sister - our non-mum sister moved in to help with the three young kids, my mum’s cooked meals, my dad has done the food shop etc. My brother and SIL have taken the dogs and hamster.

She is on sertraline. She’s still a shell. She can do basically one activity a day ie the school run but then spends hours and hours in bed sleeping. She looks 20 years older.

I’ve suggested the cinema, spa day, dog walks. You name it. I just am at a loss. How can I help her? Brother is helping sister with business side of things. Is it an only time will heal thing? She’s so bad I can’t see her getting over this.

Any advice would be great. I’ve lost weight from seeing her like this. As I type my stomach is in knots. I’m just scared for her (don’t tell her this obviously). As she won’t be able to live off savings forever.

You sound like a wonderful, supportive company
Could you contact his employer to say he has gone missing? A) they may be able to say he's fine B) shine a light on his behaviour.

Has he been reported as missing? I am shocked it’s been six weeks and nobody has done this. Then at least if the police track him down he can send a message saying he’s not coming back/ he’s alive and well. Yes, I get she thinks he’s away with another woman, but there is still a chance he may be depressed/planning to kill himself away from home and be on one last hoorah. Not an excuse I know.

i do think after 6 weeks, and when she’s spoke to the police, she needs to sit her kids down and tell them in a child friendly way. 6 weeks is a really long time to think dads away at work.

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the police turning up when they find him (and they will find him) may give him the shock he needs to come home and face the music.

just because he’s using his bank account does not mean he’s compos mentis.

We know BIL’s mum has spoken to BIL post email. We have left the seeing if he is okay to her and his side.

I am sorry your sister is in this situation.

I recommend a book called ‘love yourself like your life depends on it’ by Ravikant. He explains how he got himself out of a very dark place. You follow the easy instructions. Even if you think it sounds silly I would do it with her and get family to do it to.

Cheating causes a form of PTSD, she suspects he is cheating - regardless he has abandoned her. Her reaction is normal. Let her repeat herself (she will for a long time yet) as I believe it helps you process the trauma. EMDR therapy if you can afford it as a family.

I think I would get on a flight to Stockholm asap. Confront him, humiliate him infront of collegues asking why he has abandoned his children. That is so cruel. What a bastard.

Can he be stopped from taking anymore money.

Get her to a solicitor asap.

I don't agree that prescribed medication should be stopped. But I do agree she should be seen weekly by a doctor.

Six weeks is a short time but it's also a long time for her children. She needs to be able to prioritise them. So she needs to be well and seen to be well by them. As hard as that is.

She has a wonderful support network. As harsh as it seems six weeks on she perhaps needs some tough love. Get up. Get dressed. Come with me. We are taking the kids out. I don't mean get over it. I mean direct her focus to the children who are struggling, she is the adult.

She needs to find a way to be the one they can trust.

Look around Mumsnet. Death of a parent. Adults posting about issues with their own parents. MIL issues. Loss of children. Infertility.

It is never a comparison of grief. But she needs to focus on what she does have and protect it with her soul.

I think it’s a normal timeframe. I remember being in a complete daze for weeks but it was me and my daughter so I was forced to get up on a morning and carry on with my normal routine. Looking back this is what helped me massively as each day it became easier and a new normal.

I think as amazing as your family are you need to encourage her to get some normality back or she will never move forward.

She needs to start being practical and start sorting finances out. See a solicitor to see where she stands etc. Apply for any benefits she may need to cover her bills.

It is normal especially because she hasn't got any answers, so she can't make sense of things, she can't find acceptance. The mind will be coming with all sort of questions and scenarios. It's working overtime, so she can't really focus on anything else. Also the feelings are intense, it's a massive loss. It's early days.
Does she talk to you and other family members about it and about how she's feeling?

And the financials? This is massively important!

I’m afraid it is @Setroinh. Her whole world has been upended. It must be truly horrendous listening to your niece as upset as that, too.

What a total cunt he is to do that. I mean, sure, if you’re really very unhappy then get out of the relationship.

But to sneak around lining everything up (the documents) and not discuss it with the woman who birth to your kids, Or your poor kids, what an utter and complete morally corrupt human being.

He deserves absolutely no luck.

I’m so sorry for your sister and her children. Well done all of you for supporting her. I hope you will continue to do so.

She urgently needs to secure her finances, before he empties all the accounts.

You say he has taken all important documents. Does she know what investments and pensions he has and which providers they are with?

She needs to consult with a family solicitor who is experienced in handling divorces where one party has absconded abroad. The sooner she files, the better.

I realise she does not want to have to deal with ay of this, but it's important, and with you and family's help she can do it. What she does now may determine her and her children's financial future.

Awful situation. First of all, prepare drinks and soups for her; finger foods and biscuits / crackers that she can snack on and which take no preparation. Counselling / therapy may help but if you can encourage her to do something for herself every day that will also support her recovery - a shower, hair wash, brushing teeth, hair cut, change of clothes. These are small things but they are acts of self-care she can build on.

Small goals. Her attention span will be shot to pieces and she will be exhausted so even if you can support her with doing a few small things each day that will help and can build up towards a trip out for coffee or to the shop.

Most of all, be there for her. At the end of the phone. Let her talk if and when she wants to. She has experienced an enormous shock and healing will take time.

I have seen antidepressants work very well in cases like this. They take a bit of time to kick in (4-6 weeks) they do help a lot of people get through the darkest phase.

Look after yourselves. 💐 for you both.

Can't the children's grandmother see how bereft they are and persuade him to get in touch?
What kind of man does that to his children?

This is completely normal.

We are 11 months on, yes this is entirely our experience.

She has had the kind of shock that is similar to a sudden death. It is a sudden death, the life and husband she thought she had has died overnight.

Gone forever. Her life has disintegrated and it will take time.
A very long time.

Your sister needs counselling to try and process the loss. She is not mentally unwell, just utterly bereaved and devastated.

Look at the stages of grief, this is almost precisely what she will go through. If you have the man power try and stay with her for the next month or two. She will emerge eventually, and she will start to process what has happened to her. It’s a long road back but she has an incredible family - so lovely to read what you are all doing for her.

It will be okay op. Just keep going,

Who cares if the selfish bastard is depressed??? Honestly, I despair at some posts

I’d carry in all the stuff you are doing if you can
Then

• review ADs with GP
• Get her some counselling

Ideally she should also get a lawyer involved so she can protect herself and the dcs. But I get she might not be able to face that just now.

Your poor sister, all you can do is support her.
Similar happened to my DSis, her DhH walked out on the day they were to start ivf - he'd refused any testing of his fertility, allowed her to go through all the invasive tests ( all clear) but couldn't do it on the day
She fell to pieces in a very similar way & we all rallied around her. After denying the (obvious) to her for almost yrs suddenly it came out he'd been having an affair all along, couldn't deny any lonngr cos his all his colleagues knew his (not so) new woman was pregnant.
My DSis also had problems with severe anxiety/depression, actually the turning point was her knowing he was just a lying b**d & there wasn't anything she could do to change that.
He gaslighted her over the whole thing & made her seem nuts to colleagues.
He belatedly realised she spent many hours helping him keep his work up to standard he wasn't capable of himself. He made her socially isolated (not from family thankfully, as we could see summat was up).
10 yrs later & he's still in the same job, renting still & divorced again.
She has a new partner, her social life is thriving ( as it was before they met) & her career has blossomed.
Be there for your sister & I truly hope she has as good an ending to her story.

What a selfish cowardly horrible little man. Your DSis and her kids deserve so much more.

It sounds like you and your family are doing really well. Your DSis will need time. As a PP said, at some point the shit will turn up and cause emotional havoc. It would be better if your DSis is prepared for this, including by having seen a solicitor to understand her rights etc.

Sending huge hugs to all of you

Yes it is. 6 weeks is nothing really.

Breakups are the worst. But she needs to get it together for the sake of her kids. Perhaps try and talk some sense into her. Tell her to grieve the relationship, but set a date and try to let it go for the sake of the kids. Time will heal. Perhaps it might help her to seek professional help and to read some books about breakups and moving on. Get her excited about life again....is there anything that she loves? Perhaps plan something to look forward to in the future.

This is exactly what I'd be doing

It will take time. Let her sleep. I had a similar loss, but it was my mum who up and disappeared. I’ll be completely honest. It took me about 2-3 years to fully recover. Obviously, I didn’t spend the whole time in bed! But I was a shell of myself just going through the motions keeping myself and everyone else alive. I spent a lot of days in a dark room sleeping though.

If money can be pulled together, I cannot recommend therapy enough. I went weekly for 6 months. It was invaluable. It was really validating to talk to a neutral third party (not my friends and family) and have her tell me that it was okay to feel all the feelings. It made me not feel like the crazy one. She will not want to do spa days or cinema trips. Rest, bit of fresh air and movement, healthy food and time to process is what she needs most. When she’s ready, solicitor and getting the practical stuff together.

Sister spoke to my brother’s friend who is a family lawyer for an initial consultation. I know it was a good call. I didn’t specifically talk to her about the conversation but there were some actions I have seen take place - screenshots being taken etc.

@Setroinh your sister is very lucky to have such a lovely family!!! I wa recently in a similar position. Exdp walked out of the house one Sunday evening and I have never seen or heard from him again. I only know he is alive because he had forgotten his apple account password and my email is the recovery account so it pinged me an email to tell me the password was reset.

It is anawful position to be in. He had been stepdad to my dd since she was quite young and I had no words to explain to her what had happened because I had no idea.

People above are correct. It is grief and it is all consuming. She will get there!!!

Help her get ready to fight back!

However awful this might seem right now she is so lucky to have you all. One day she will heal from this horrendous experience and be stronger for it. Right now, sleeping is protective. It’s what her body needs to recover - it is giving her a break from her reality.

Plesae take time to look after yourselves too, it will start to take its toll. Organise a rota. Get everyone on board. Organise shopping deliveries. Cleaning. Whatever you can afford to out source. You are a wonderful family, she will be okay 💗