My sister’s husband has made her ill

[Setroinh]

My lovely sister has been extremely destroyed by her pathetic husband. He’s completely vanished. Six weeks ago he sent her an email telling her he “couldn’t do it anymore”. BIL was working in Stockholm, we obviously speculate he has met someone. Completely left sister in the lurch - school fees, bills etc. Sister helped with the business admin but BIL did the actual work (she is not trained to do). She has cried, stopped eating, had panics attacks, contemplated suicide. It’s been horrendous.

My immediate family are supportig sister - our non-mum sister moved in to help with the three young kids, my mum’s cooked meals, my dad has done the food shop etc. My brother and SIL have taken the dogs and hamster.

She is on sertraline. She’s still a shell. She can do basically one activity a day ie the school run but then spends hours and hours in bed sleeping. She looks 20 years older.

I’ve suggested the cinema, spa day, dog walks. You name it. I just am at a loss. How can I help her? Brother is helping sister with business side of things. Is it an only time will heal thing? She’s so bad I can’t see her getting over this.

Any advice would be great. I’ve lost weight from seeing her like this. As I type my stomach is in knots. I’m just scared for her (don’t tell her this obviously). As she won’t be able to live off savings forever.

I know the point has been made about our help being possibly a hindrance. We as a family have voiced these concerns between ourselves.

Sister keeps panicking and breaking down. She starts crying about the house and the kids having to move schools. Sister gets herself into an awful state. There is no way sister can afford the mortgage on her own. We just want to be there as a buffer for the kids really. Making sure they are shielded from the very visceral response of sister’s grief. And making sure sister eats something (we’re forcing protein shakes on her) etc.

I had similar happen to me at the end of last year. My ex upped and left after Christmas. My kids were a mess for months and so was I. I am still struggling but it does get easier.

It transpired he was seeing someone from work and within months they were together and he made her his business partner before sorting anything legal with the house and kids.

The reason he isn’t speaking to her because there is someone else. He has to block his old life out to be able to have a new one. He may appear not to care or understand what he’s done but he will be filled with shame and the way these men deal with it is to completely blank and compartmentalise.

If he talks to her and his kids he will have to think about what he’s done. Be held accountable and these men are cowards. They want you to go crazy so they can go see! This is why I had to go.
This is what my ex did.

Over the next few months it will be two steps forward one step back. More stuff will come out and each time it does she will break down but what I didn’t have and what she does is a supportive family so if I’m here ploughing through with my girls she will get there. But the first few months are in absolute denial, shock to process it.

Make her food. Watch series with her. Help with the kids as much as you can. She will get there.

It is a lot like a bereavement , and a sudden unexpected one. The effects of shock are horrendous.
The only being able to do one thing is very common after a bereavement. It took me well over a year to be able to do more than one thing. I could go to the supermarket ( which to be fair was 25 km away) but I had to go straight home afterwards. Early on I spent hours in bed. There’s nothing you can do except listen, be patient and don’t give up on her, (I’m sure you won’t ) it will be tough going for a long while.
At some time your sister will find her anger, but it can take months. I’m not sure if any sort of counselling is helpful this early on but it’s essential she talks to her doctor and encourage her to keep talking to you.
The children’s school may be able to help with talking therapy for them. If you’d like me to start calling some of the charities I remember from my widows group I’m happy to ask for advice/ ideas for you. Just message me.

Moving away from all the legal stuff that needs to be done as detailed previously. The antidepressant will take a while to kick in.

Spa day, etc is way, way too ambitious. Try a few little things - like a nice clean sweater, like looking out the window at the birds for a few minutes or a spoon of ice cream. If she can't get out of bed maybe read to her for a bit. It is going to be baby steps. Start really small.

You are all doing a wonderful job supporting her - it doesn’t sound like anything more practically can be done to help at this point - just be there for her - a presence, a hug, even if it’s sitting in silence, you don’t have to be ‘doing’ to be helping. The company will be great while she is grieving the loss of her marriage and also companionship - the loneliness and shock will be huge. You could also ask her whats helpful and what’s not.

Counselling may also help, I’d suggest a talking therapy as opposed to CBT, she would probably benefit from a more in depth relationship with the counsellor - CBT is very practical and in all honesty ‘homework’ and practical tasks for changing behaviour might be too much. Just opening up, talking and processing would be a more helpful start.

I don’t agree you are doing the wrong thing by helping too much. This sort of thing can end in someone taking their own lives. If she is that distraught she needs as much help as she can get. Sorry to be blunt. She will pull through and I don’t believe the tough love stuff life has been tough enough on this women she doesn’t need to feel guilty for not grieving right too.

I don’t know the living situation but can’t she move in with family? Come out of the family business start a new job, new life somewhere. He isn’t coming back by looks of it and being in the same place is what I described to friends is like being stuck in a time and place where it feels they could come home at any minute and this makes it harder to move on. Her house is filled with memories and his stuff. She needs a new start this could start with a hobby, job, training in something new. New home.

Please don’t pull back.
She won’t magically recover. The children will simply be referred to social services, as she can’t cope. And abandoning her in this state will be more than she can bear.

It’s very early days.

Her medication is also possibly making her feel even worse. I’d get that checked on Monday.

Gently, your sister is reacting entirely normally to a very abnormal event. Unless this has tipped her into a mental health crisis she doesn't need a psychiatrist, you can't medicate your bway out or profound loss, trauma and grief. I'm slightly dismayed she's been given sertraline tbh. The physical manifestation of trauma and loss are what your seeing. Not sleeping, no appetite, very tearful, struggling to carry out normal daily activities it's all 'normal'. She needs your support and help with daily tasks, she needs you to reassure her that her feelings and actions are understandable and she needs time..... It's brutal. Of course it goes without saying that her ex is a total and utter grade a shit. Marriages end, people have affairs, but to walk out on your wife and kids without any communication or thought is despicable. I hope the lawyer is a grade A bulldog who ensured your diss gets a decent settlement and I hope the ex is dumped by the new squeeze

@Setroinh I’ve suggested the cinema, spa day, dog walks. You name it. I just am at a loss. How can I help her? Brother is helping sister with business side of things. Is it an only time will heal thing?.

I agree with pp that counselling etc. is a good idea but maybe too early. .

Your Brother, and your family, are doing the best thing by giving practical help.

I appreciate you are trying to help by suggesting cinema etc. but this will be impossible for your DS at the moment. The biggest help is the practical stuff, letting her talk when she is ready (don’t feel you have to offer solutions).

I would be taking things really slow and low level, even cleaning her teeth, having a shower will seem like climbing Mount Everest. Mentally she will need to summon up so much energy just to do these simple personal care tasks which is why she is staying in bed.

Mind may have some useful information https://www.mind.org.uk

The other important thing is for you and your family to also look after your own mental health. This has been a shock for all of you and the future suddenly looks very different. It is so nice that you have all rallied round and are so supportive, that is worth so much.

👏🏻

Thank goodness she has you and your love and care. The fact that you are there for her throughout this traumatic and life changing event will help her immeasurably . Remember to take care of yourself too,

I second this - small steps for your sister.

Also, I think one of the best ways to support your sister is by helping her children-both practically and emotionally.

Have his family divulged anything to yours?

So sorry to hear you sister, neices/nephews and the rest of your family are going through such a terrible time. Sorry I have no advice but, just to say, you sound like a lovely, supportive family and I'm sure all you are all doing for her is crucial to getting her back on her feet. Trust your instincts that she needs you, you know her best. You're all doing your best by the sounds of it and all the luck in the world to her in moving past this with as little long term damage as possible to all involved (except him, obviously!).

Your poor sister. What a spineless t* her husband is.

She needs to get into action mode. If she can't afford the mortgage and the children's school she needs to make plans for that, and also get a job. Which I appreciate is easy for someone to say when they are jot in complete and total shock.

She needs some mental health support asap. Pay privately for counselling would be my advice.

I'd suggest her reaction is hurting the children. I don't mean to be unkind but it's her being resilient that will show them that they can be resilient.

If she keeps breaking down in front of them and being horrified at changing school and losing their dad, they'll just do exactly the same.

She has to be strong for her children or they'll have issues for life.

I'd suggest that she gets some counselling asap and possibly some coaching. She needs to hold a vision of what a new life looks like and make peace with letting go of this one.

I know she's in shock but at some point she has to pull her big girl pants up and say OK, this is it, do I keep crumbling or do I fight for a good life for me and my kids.

I hope she reaches the anger stage before too long.

I'll probably be flamed for this message but she kind of needs a big of taking in hand and told to get on with things and start to be pragmatic.

There's a thing called learned helplessness.

Imagine if she was on her own, and was an only child. She'd need to just get on with it.

Perhaps she has too much time to dwell on things.

The kids will cope, if she will cope. And she has to start to cope somehow.

Honestly I sometimes think romantic love is such a crock of shit. It sets us so many many of us to fail much of the time in such painful ways.

I agree. I realize she is suffering from bereavement but many of us have been bereaved and back at work the following week. She has three children to look out for. She needs to accept reality at some point and take charge of her life.

Could you find grief counseling locally? Maybe even phone a mortuary and ask for a list; perhaps there are some low-cost or pro bono counselors / groups?

Does she work? What's her employer been saying?

She has a pretty big support network compared to many people, so things could be worse. It doesn't sound as though he is coming back.

She needs to go and talk to her gp

Fully agree, @Mabs49

Too much time to dwell isn't helpful any more. Practicalities need attention. And
seeing mum in this state isn't helpful to the kids, especially if they are going into hysteria themselves.

What did the lawyer suggest as next steps?

I would imagine she has PTSD. Bless her. X.

Yes learned helplessness is a thing, but this isn’t an example of it. Her life has been turned upside down, she’s in shock and essentially grieving - this is a NORMAL response.
SHE isn’t the one ‘hurting the children’ HE is.

She’s not on her own though is she? She has family helping her and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. At some point she will of course pick herself up and regain control but a ‘good talking too’ isn’t going to solve this.

She will need to give rolling notice at her children’s school if she’s not sure she can pay three lots of school fees long-term.

Men are shit. This man is very shit. The sooner she realises that the better.

She needs to be better. 6 weeks is a really long time. He isn't dead, he's left her. It happens every day and she needs to pull herself together for the sake of the kids.

It's great she has your support but this needs to be directed at empowering her to recover, not allowing the wallowing to continue. She's teaching her kids a dreadful lesson here.