My sister’s husband has made her ill

[Setroinh]

My lovely sister has been extremely destroyed by her pathetic husband. He’s completely vanished. Six weeks ago he sent her an email telling her he “couldn’t do it anymore”. BIL was working in Stockholm, we obviously speculate he has met someone. Completely left sister in the lurch - school fees, bills etc. Sister helped with the business admin but BIL did the actual work (she is not trained to do). She has cried, stopped eating, had panics attacks, contemplated suicide. It’s been horrendous.

My immediate family are supportig sister - our non-mum sister moved in to help with the three young kids, my mum’s cooked meals, my dad has done the food shop etc. My brother and SIL have taken the dogs and hamster.

She is on sertraline. She’s still a shell. She can do basically one activity a day ie the school run but then spends hours and hours in bed sleeping. She looks 20 years older.

I’ve suggested the cinema, spa day, dog walks. You name it. I just am at a loss. How can I help her? Brother is helping sister with business side of things. Is it an only time will heal thing? She’s so bad I can’t see her getting over this.

Any advice would be great. I’ve lost weight from seeing her like this. As I type my stomach is in knots. I’m just scared for her (don’t tell her this obviously). As she won’t be able to live off savings forever.

Completely agree.
Reactive depression is natural for a shock like this- It’s going to hurt and it takes many months to process it.

What a bum move for the husband to have made.
Too many men run out on young children literally leaving the woman “holding the babies”

He needs to be paying bills and other stuff.
What a cowardly thing to have done.

Some tough advice from @Mabs49 and @turkeymuffin - I would not agree with all of it but the gist is absolutely correct. Life can throw us some horrible curveballs, but at some point one has to get up, focus and do what needs to be done.

6 weeks is not a long time to grieve over such a huge loss, but it is long enough to get to a point where self preservation ought to take over.

@Setroinh - your sister will cope better, and her and her children's future will be more secure, if she starts focusing on the many practical issues she will need to address. Chief of which is sorting out her financial situation and talking to an experienced family solicitor.

Hey op - just wanted to second the pp who have mentioned sertraline being inappropriate (& it won't be the reason for her sleeping either). It takes too long, for a situation like this, to work AND can make things worse before it gets better (for some people). It will not be helping her.

Fwiw, that man sounds like an absolute prick & thank goodness she has family like you all.

Just as a warning, men who do things like this often have (half hearted) regrets and attempt to return. Usually when the ex is beginning to get themselves together. If it happens, that will be a really vulnerable moment for your sister and he will go again. Be on the lookout for it.

İf your poor sister has been contemplating suicide then the last thing she needs is tough love. She's hurting and struggling because of something so hard being placed on her, so she doesnt need anyone coming down any harder on her.
Just keep riding it out with her and let your support be as unwavering as possible. She will get there eventually. Maybe also get some counselling as well, to help you whilst you're helping her. My mum had a mental breakdown when I was younger and having other family take over, helped it to be less impactful. I think kids need to see that when life can really hurt that their mum will come through it in their own time, and they've got all of you around them.

I personally would be losing my patience with her.
This poor child.

He isn’t dead, he’s just left her and no matter how hurt she is she needs to be getting it together for her child.

6 weeks is long enough to get over the initial shock.
Now it’s just a long, slow process of coming to terms with it, being angry, sad, hurt etc.

I think it’s great that you are all so supportive but you are enabling her behaviour.

If she doesn’t want to eat, then that’s her choice.

If she cannot look after her child, then SS needs to be involved.

You’ve tried one way of being overly supportive and now it’s time to start backing off, so she can start leading a more normal life again and her poor child can also start living a more normal life again.

What is it with these idiot men?
There is another similar thread on here but the OP in that thread does not have any of the help you are able to provide your DS.
PS edited to correct spelling

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5169420-husband-abandoned-me-and-two-kids-by-text-message-and-emigrated-to-new-zealand?page=18&reply=138956545

Op's sister has been suicidal.

Not everyone copes with tragedy the same way and not everyone grieves in the same way.

Also shocked at this post - SO cruel. 6 weeks is hardly any time.

seriously? the first freaking answer? is to worry about the poor ol' bloke.

OP - i think if your sister is only managing one thing a day, suggestions of spa days are too much for her. Just getting her out for a coffee, lunch, a walk in the park, or a cup of tea and a chat might be a better start.

Some really fantastic posts on here and some from people who clearly don’t have a clue about shock / trauma.

Just because he isn’t dead doesn’t make the situation any easier. Death can usually be explained, we all know it’s going to happen to us. We can’t necessarily explain a partner’s behaviour especially if it comes out of the blue. We also don’t expect a partner to leave us in such a sudden and callous way.

You are doing all you can OP. It will take time but she will get there. You can’t rush it or force it but one day she may well agree to go to the shop or for a coffee with you. One day she may get up and have a shower without prompting. In the meantime, let her go through this in her own time and, if things don’t improve, contact her GP and let them know so they can review her medication. There are lots of options with medication so if one doesn’t work, another might.

I think having no closure is one of the worst feelings…underrated in my opinion, she’s obviously in shock, it’s obviously come out of left field so I’m assuming there were no indications for something like this.

I would go to the police and report him as a missing person.

Then she is not currently fit to parent a child and SS need to be involved or the child needs to be taken somewhere else.

It’s not a tragedy.
It’s awful and heartbreaking but it’s not a tragedy.

The most important person in this is the child.
OP will get over this in time but the child will not if she is not protected.

Just wanted to gently say OP, that when pain is so great and emotions are so strong, working a bit on the logical side of the brain can be really helpful for slow healing. Could you get your sister a book of sodoku or anything similar she likes doing which she could have next to her bed whilst she's in bed all day? Crochet, knitting? Even if she did five minutes a day, it might help her to focus a bit away from the awful feelings she's having. It might be an easier thing to coax her into than spa days.

Another idea would be to give her a small tupperware box of random assorted items all jumbled up and ask her to untangle them. Or ask her to put a shuffled pack of playing cards into order. Anything that just takes no effort but gets her having to focus for a few minutes at a time.

Three small children suddenly losing their father with no word or anything, and the woman having to deal with the impact of all of that, whilst nursing her broken heart and own shock, sounds pretty tragic to me.

In the nicest possible way, your sister needs to make plans. She is in a horrible, horrible situation.
She needs to see a solicitor. She needs to get plans made and know all of the options available, however unfavourable.
How long financially, can she keep going the way she and the children currently are? Is her DH currently funding anything? Has he mentioned any future financial support? Has he said anything about the family home?
The school should informed, there could be an emergency bursary available. If there isn’t the council will need to be contacted asap for school placements to be made. It is an upheaval, one that’s really unwanted, but children do adapt.
Can she draw anything out of joint assets? Bank accounts? Savings accounts etc, in order to tide her over.
The children will need to be informed that change will be coming, it’s really difficult.

And if your dsis is really unable to process anything another trip to the drs would be the best port of call. Sertraline takes at least a month to kick in. It helps with depression and anxiety, not shock.

All anti depressants carry a black box warning to say they can make you feel suicidal especially when you first start taking them. Sertraline also made me sleep a lot as I was getting used to them-I used to have to take them in the evenings. Won't start feeling better unt 6-8 weeks after starting either. It might be worth seeing if the meds have exacerbated her symptoms?
Other than that it's hard to think of anything practical to help at this time. Sorry you're going through this x

Yes, this.
Men, destroyers of women's happiness.
(Not mine).
At least she's got the family to help out as they do.

Your sister needs to get going on practical things and being there for her child. If she isn't able to do that at this stage, she is in crisis and needs the appropriate intervention for that.

She needs to return to the GP for an urgent medication review. She either needs a stronger dose of sertraline or different medication. Is she sleeping?

I had a ‘breakdown’ or whatever you want to call it last year. It wasn’t over anything as serious as this. I have always been a worrier but this was something else. It was horrendous. I couldn’t eat or sleep, look after my own children - anything really. I was also put on sertraline but it takes a few weeks to start working. Diazepam in the meantime was the only thing that gave me relief, but it’s extremely addictive so they won’t give it to you for long.

I did start to feel better after a few weeks, which may have been partly down to the sertraline. But actually I think it was a lot down to the support I had from my amazing family, and my DH (obviously your sister’s husband is the problem though!). I also found that having a plan and taking practical steps really helped me. Oh and I’ve just remembered another thing I did was crochet, I find this a good way to use my brain just enough that it takes my mind of things without being taxing in and of itself. Did this while watching very easy going TV.

I agree with PP that offers of cinema etc, while kind - it’s just not the right time just now. I can remember going out with friends for lunch once when I was unwell and it was like a physical pain trying to act like I was ok.

I really hope your sister starts to improve soon, and well done for taking care of her when she needs it most.

The only advice I can give is regards meds. I strongly advise not to stop sertraline but instead see if she can stick out 6 weeks on it. By 6 weeks it should kick in.

The whole brain chemistry argument has never been proven anyway. That's now known to be a marketing ploy. But what sertraline should do is provide a bit of a psychological blanket to help you function slightly better in the midst of very normal grief. She's struggling to function, she needs to give this a try. I took it and it helped.

She may be suffering with side effects of that also right now. I recall myself it made me worse and more anxious with panic attacks until 6 weeks point and then all much better.

Diazepam definitely can be prescribed short term You could ask for say enough for a week or just take half now and again for the worst days ( I did this). It's addictive and won't be prescribed long term. Maybe you could try take over managing that for her if she's so bad.

Please tell me you don't really think he's depressed.

This. What a lovely supportive caring family you all are . Absolutely heartbreaking for the children. Was their Dad a hands on loving guy?