My sister’s husband has made her ill

[Setroinh]

My lovely sister has been extremely destroyed by her pathetic husband. He’s completely vanished. Six weeks ago he sent her an email telling her he “couldn’t do it anymore”. BIL was working in Stockholm, we obviously speculate he has met someone. Completely left sister in the lurch - school fees, bills etc. Sister helped with the business admin but BIL did the actual work (she is not trained to do). She has cried, stopped eating, had panics attacks, contemplated suicide. It’s been horrendous.

My immediate family are supportig sister - our non-mum sister moved in to help with the three young kids, my mum’s cooked meals, my dad has done the food shop etc. My brother and SIL have taken the dogs and hamster.

She is on sertraline. She’s still a shell. She can do basically one activity a day ie the school run but then spends hours and hours in bed sleeping. She looks 20 years older.

I’ve suggested the cinema, spa day, dog walks. You name it. I just am at a loss. How can I help her? Brother is helping sister with business side of things. Is it an only time will heal thing? She’s so bad I can’t see her getting over this.

Any advice would be great. I’ve lost weight from seeing her like this. As I type my stomach is in knots. I’m just scared for her (don’t tell her this obviously). As she won’t be able to live off savings forever.

@Carabelliana

I wouldn't care where I was living had the same/similar happened to me when my kids were younger

You simply don't know this.

Anyone can have a breakdown.

Grief, shock, trauma. All can cause one and nobody is immune.

You have no idea how one would affect you.

It's like people who say how they would react if assaulted. Until it happens, you absolutely don't know for sure.

Jesus Christ @Carabelliana. Stop posting. You haven't got a clue what you're talking about.

@Carabelliana part of me understands why this post can be frustrating for some. Many people have zero family support or any warm loving family to offer a safety net. It's therefore easy to look at this critically from that position and to feel resentment.

In reality, there will be alot more going on. I recall I absolutely fell apart and could hardly function when I became a single parent. I recall moments where people thought I should just get a grip etc. The reality was that alot was going on that would only be revealed to both me and others with the passing of time. One of those things was the onset of truly hideous, life changing and disabling physical symptoms that looked like mental weakness but soon turned out to be the start of very severe multiple autoimmune conditions. At the time, I knew there was a reason I could not function, eat properly and kept crying beyond the situation. Also, at this time I did not realise I was parenting an ND child and operating daily at a level of stress that most would never understand or experience.

Many underestimate the severity of Antidepressants side effects. Some are emotionally and physically floored by side effects until the meds start working. No one really knows what's happening with this lady underneath all this.

Not sure what you’re saying here. Anti-depressants don’t cause autoimmune conditions. And drugs like sertraline can help with a lot of conditions - including stress and trauma related as in OP’s case. She’s only been on them a few weeks so too early to tell and coming off them now will cause more problems. If her GP has prescribed for her then clearly they have an understanding of what’s going on.

I’d bet the farm that no-one has thanked you because you clearly have no idea what you’re talking about and your ‘treat someone like a victim and they become one’ talk is just shite. All of your posts are victim blaming, smug and self satisfied. Please stop posting before you do real damage.

@Rosscameasdoody I can't edit my original post to make this more clear now it has been copied.

EDIT HERE - Antidepressants don't cause autoimmune diseases! I'm very aware of that. This additional paragraph was an aside on top of the original point. It was not intended as a connection to the autoimmune reference.

I agree entirely that OPs sister should continue with the medication until side effects pass and they start to kick in - hopefully by 6 weeks OP.

Good post.

You and your family are being amazing, and no, not too much.

Sleep is really good for her, just make sure she's sleeping at night if napping in day.

Small nutritious bits of food - banana milkshake, chicken soup, plain chocolate

If you can take her outside in some green space even for just 10 mins a day - more if sun's out, it's good for helping to calm the nervous system.

Watch crap TV series with her. I mainlined the Gilmore Girls after a bad breakup.

Buy her favourite flowers for her room/where she spends most awake time. Even just looking at flowers helps calm the body.

Lots of hugs if she is able to accept them.

All your support is modelling the best of families for her children. They will be ok in the end with such a wonderful extended family, but yes, awful at the moment.

💐💐💐

Sertraline is good for helping take the edge off in the short/medium term. I'd expect her to need at least 100mg/day. Ignore suggestions to stop it.

Ignore suggestions to remove 'safety net' If you're still doing all this in 6 months time maybe reconsider but now, no way. She's experienced a horrendous traumatic betrayal and bereavement. Her response is normal (sadly)

Sertraline is good for helping take the edge off in the short/medium term. I'd expect her to need at least 100mg/day. Ignore suggestions to stop it

Sertraline can increase agitation and suicidality. It does not work for everyone. It should absolutely be stopped in some cases.

Absolutely @treadingonlego. But if it's being tolerated fairly well with no increase in suicidality, stopping it abruptly could worsen her mental health.

This was my experience early on. The reason I keep bringing it up is the side effects of this may be contributing to the way she is right now.

I'm glad at the time I stuck it out ( 6 weeks ) as they helped so much. I actually wish I never came off it a few years later.