My son is almost 27 & never had a relationship, I worry he's going to end up lonely

[Onthecarpet2002]

Just this. I know some of you are going to say it's nothing to do with me but I think it's natural to worry about your ds. He's good looking & very fit, a nice lad but probably a bit shy. He's in the RAF & comes home most weekends as most of them do. He goes out occasionally at home but his friends are starting to settle down a bit & to the gym.
The only holiday he's had with mates this year is a RAF work trip to Cyprus where he had a few days free before he had to come back again.
There's so many ladies on munsnet asking where the good men are - there's one right here at the weekends! I know from a friends daughter that he's been on Tinder, obviously had no luck there. He seems happy enough with his life, says he is, but I don't know if deep down he might want a partner.
I do worry that as he gets older he's going to end up being a lonely man.

Yes I did too!

No experience if it myself.

That said op, does he have any unsexy hobbies like making model aircraft ? Not saying I wouldn’t marry a model aircraft maker ( my grandfather had been known to do that and tinker under the bonnets of cars and I’d much prefer it to a porn addict, or even a football fan actually ) . But it does strike me that those kind of quirks probably don’t sit well with online dating .

Truthfully oP, military and all that, he’s probably madly banging young ladies and grading the shags on a Beaufort Wind Scale or something. Sorry for that image but it always seems that’s the sort of thing that lot get up to; and it’s the more active sex lives that don’t get discussed with mums.
Watch this space: he may yet marry a hurricane!

My best friend is mid 30s and he’s never had a relationship but he’s happy.
He has so many positive things in his life but people still try to nag him over it. There’s more to life than settling down young.

It's probably the military thing. It's not going to be easy to maintain a relationship while he's serving, women might question the motives of someone who joins up (I would), and the reputation for being poor partners.

Its more and more common for people not to start dating until later. (I blame the decline in teenage drinking 😁).
The bloke in a good couple friend of mine didn't have a girlfriend until he was 28, and now is with my lovely friend and getting married. He couldn't face internet dating for ages and then when he did my friend nabbed him because he is wonderful and a bit shy.

Actually it’s funny you say that. Mine aren’t yet at that age, but I’ve often wondered how they ever get things rolling with all the awareness around everything. Back in the day there was always a “ first move,”
most of which would definitely qualify as sexual assault.

ETA there was a thread the other day with an adolescent who had agreed by text to kiss her boyfriend. I think even the time and location might have been negotiated, certainly the fact that she’d bring her friend was stipulated. At first I thought 💭 “ by text!?” 😳 Then I thought well I suppose they can’t be too careful.

My brother and I were both very shy. It wasn’t a problem for me because men asked me out. It was a problem for him because he needed to do the asking and he didn’t.

I don’t think it helped that he was not handsome. Basically women weren’t falling all over him without him having to do anything, and he wasn’t reaching out either. So he just sat there, single, by himself.

In the end he met a girl who liked his personality, and she showed an interest in him and asked him out. He later married her. So I guess he’s never really asked anyone out in his life, and that was the entire problem.

I’m sorry, a first move qualifying as SA?? My DHs first move was sparking up a conversation with me. Good grief.

You haven't said how he feels about it? Does he even want a relationship? It sounds like he has a happy and full life - what must be an interesting job and hobbies plus friends and a social life. Maybe you are worrying about nothing?

He seems happy enough with his life, says he is, but I don't know if deep down he might want a partner

The first bit of this sentence is what matters. The second is you projecting.

He might not want a partner right now. He's only 27. This is completely normal! I didn't want to be tied to anyone at 27 and nor did most of my friends, male and female. I wanted the freedom to focus on myself, on my career and playing the field a bit. I also had incredibly high standards - I wasn't going to settle just to settle down. If he thinks like that, it's a positive - he's only going to get into a relationship with someone who really makes him happy.

He might not want a partner ever. This is also totally acceptable. I thought I was on course for this and I was totally happy with that. When you like your own company and when you have life goals you want to accomplish in the world (career, exploration, experiences) a single life doesn't seem lonely - it seems exciting.

Or he might want a partner deep down and be secretly unhappy. I think this is a huge stretch and quite insulting to him to assume it, but even if it is the case, it's not a problem for his mum to solve.

I think young people are less and less likely to play the field. Most of my DD's friends are not having multiple relationships. Despite what you read on here not everyone is into a) porn b) casual sex and c) OLD. A lot struggle with F2F

My DD met her husband with a shared interest. If he's into triathlon and cycling he might meet someone that way.

It's normal to worry about your children regardless of their age. It's just people on MN get prickly if they think you are either matchmaking or assuming a relationship is essential

Same ,I'm 50 now and been married 19 years.
I would assume hes having flings,short term dalliances,and just not ready t9 settle down yet.

Yes but presumably you’ve moved toward a little more physical intimacy? Sorry for assuming if not.

Yeah of course, once the mutual attraction is there! It’s literally about consent, it’s not hard. I still remember my DH on a 2nd date saying to me ‘I really want to kiss you’ on our walk home, and so we did.
I’m 40 and I can categorically say I’ve never once hooked up with the guy who grabbed my arse in the pub and went ‘how about it love’

I think it’s more likely he’s into short term relationships / hookups right now rather than longterm so he probably isn’t lonely.

But he's not living the same lifestyle as theirs, is he, hes doing his own thing? Being in the RAF and away all week is very different to what his mates are doing. It sounds like his job is probably his main focus right now.

25 late to marry? Really?!

He's living the life of reilly.

He has decades of baby-making ahead of him, so there is no rush.

He is 27!

He has plenty of time to worry about finding a partner, if that's what he wants.

Being in the army usually means a lot of travelling and it is not an easy job to fit around a partner and kids, so I would say he is doing the right thing by not focusing on relationships for now.

He is probably enjoying casual encounters and there is nothing wrong with that.

Equally there is also nothing wrong with people who don't want to 'settle down' and prefer their own company and freedom.

Honestly OP, you need to take a step back and let your son live his life.

He's probably happily enjoying being single and the male/female company that comes from being a single man in the military

I think he very likely has casual things that he doesn't want to tell you about! My partner and I are in our early 30s but he is very into cycling and running and has quite a few friends in your son's age range through those hobbies, many of them aren't bothered about a serious relationship as they want to have unrestricted time for sports and career. I think it's more normal than you think. Women may be slightly wary about his intentions if your son reaches his 30s without any true relationship experience, but if he is a nice and genuine person it shouldn't be a non-negotiable. In the situation you describe, where he is working full time and pursuing hobbies and a social life, I wouldn't worry.

If he's the calmer and home-orientated type, he'll likely find his person at around the time everyone his age starts settling down and wanting that, which is likely around now or soon. Try not to worry OP.

I worked with two good-looking, decent guy that has remained single, and they're now in their 50's/60's. Neither are unhappy, but they haven't experienced the joys and lows of having a family.

Your DS is seeking relationships, though, so I wouldn't worry. I suspect he will meet someone through work. My ultra shy friend was snapped up by a woman he worked with. She even said she purposefully made a beeline for him. They've been happily married for decades now.

27yoDC and I were talking about modern dating yesterday and I mentioned that phrases like “punching above your weight” or “he’s a 10, but” weren’t used as much in my 20s, and certainly not “swipe right”! That things are transactional now, based so much on looks, perceived financial or social compatibility, much less on casual or potential friendships turning into relationships, AND that they could move up and down that scale.

DC agreed with me and added that the pool of online dating is now so huge (60% of single people using it? Plus the sharks?) that there is always the feeling you can do better next time. So even breakups are not that bad! And the expectations of long term relationships are lower.

Signs of the times, I know, but parents have to manage their own social expectation of LTR for their children and trust them to make good choices.

Maybe the later he leaves it, the more chance it will be a serious relationship that lasts. It’s great he s not rushing into anything.
I expect he’s not as squeaky clean as you imagine while he’s away.

I think lack of confidence in men really holds them back when it comes to dating. Women want confident men and a shy man just doesn't approach women in that way.
I have a close male friend who's really attractive- good looking (he looks like James Dean!), fit, kind, humble. However, he had absolutely zero confidence. He remained single and a virgin until he was 40 then he finally dared to approach someone. He's now very happily married with two children. His wife is a delightful person, and I'm so pleased he has her.
Just to say, I really don't think someone needs to be in a couple to be happy. But if your son wants to meet someone and is unsuccessful, I'm pretty sure it's his shyness that's holding him back.