My son is almost 27 & never had a relationship, I worry he's going to end up lonely

[Onthecarpet2002]

Just this. I know some of you are going to say it's nothing to do with me but I think it's natural to worry about your ds. He's good looking & very fit, a nice lad but probably a bit shy. He's in the RAF & comes home most weekends as most of them do. He goes out occasionally at home but his friends are starting to settle down a bit & to the gym.
The only holiday he's had with mates this year is a RAF work trip to Cyprus where he had a few days free before he had to come back again.
There's so many ladies on munsnet asking where the good men are - there's one right here at the weekends! I know from a friends daughter that he's been on Tinder, obviously had no luck there. He seems happy enough with his life, says he is, but I don't know if deep down he might want a partner.
I do worry that as he gets older he's going to end up being a lonely man.

No me neither really but I was definitely, after an appropriate period, kissed without necessarily having an incoming kiss warning. The way your DH said it sounds ok but I definitely had occasions where the consent was more tacit than I think my Dc will get away with .

What a stinking attitude you have. Be off with you.

His life doesn’t sound that conducive to a relationship at the moment? Away during the week, living at his childhood home at weekends, time consuming hobby, someone cooks for him etc.

I would be thinking he’s not ready yet and just enjoying this period.

In my sons group of friends,all 23 and 24,only two have longterm girlfriends who they have been with for years. The others have always been single.
My son had a three week relationship last year and jokes with his friends that ' at least he has done bits'. I honestly think sex and relationships are not such a big thing these days.

There’s either clearly something wrong with him if he’s made it to 27 and not one person has wanted to get close to him to form a relationship or he has no interest in relationships. Either way it’s his business not yours.

😳

I honestly think that’s not a bad thing.

I think it’s important to recognise that being in a relationship or not doesn’t define whether a person is lonely.

@Calliopespa I didn’t mean that to come across as horrible 🙈 I just meant most people have relationships (however casual) through their teen years in the very least. If he’s not even experienced that either he’s the kind of person that would be considered A sexual in this day and age, or he’s giving off the kind of vibes that stop people wanting to get close (and a lot of us have come across the kind of person you just have a gut feeling you don’t want to get close to). But that’s his business, not everyone wants a relationship and we shouldn’t have our parents wringing their hands over being single because it’s not their problem. People don’t always need relationships to be happy.

Have to disagree . I’m single and the happiest I’ve ever been. I wouldn’t choose a relationship over singledom now at all.

God I know. I find it so depressing when parents and others are so desperate to usher their kids into committed relationships as soon as they are out of short trousers.

Why would anyone want their child to waste their 20s tied down with a partner and small children? They have the rest of their lives for this.

Also pressuring anyone into a committed relationship when their brain hasn’t finished developing is never going to end well. Leave people alone to manage their own emotional lives and stop micromanaging them.

Its quite naive to think parents know everything about their child's dating life.. I casually dated a lot in my 20s, I just didnt tell my parents all the details. Firstly, because it was my business, secondly, I didnt see the point if the relationship wasnt going anywhere.

Unless OP follows him around 24/7 how on earth would she know whom he has dated up until this point? He may well have gone on loads of dates for all she knows. Just because he hasn't brought anyone home to meet her doesnt mean he's sitting at home alone every single night 😆

Some of these replies astonish me. It's perfectly normal for a mother to be concerned for her adult children. I'm sure OP isn't asking for details of her son's life every time she sees him, it's just a general observation.
It's also perfectly ok never to have had a long term romantic relationship by the age of 27: having friends, which he does, is also a type of relationship. There's more to life than having a partner.
If that's what this young man wants, then hopefully it'll happen in time. If not, there are many more ways to have a fulfilling life these days and that's a good thing imo.

I wouldn't worry - he's only 27 - plenty of time for him to have a relationship, maybe when he's matured a bit. He's so lucky he's from a very stable, loving family and ironically this could be part of why he's not actually that fussed at the moment.

My husband was 37 when he married me - he'd had a couple of relationships in his early 30's and then we just clicked together and were married in less than a year. He had needed to find out who he was, had travelled around the country in various jobs and really only matured in his thirties and felt ready for a committed relationship. 29 years later, we're still very happy. Try to put it to the back of your mind - just give him time!!!!!

He may have had short term relationships and just not told you.
My DP had never had a girlfriend before me when we got together at 23. It took him almost a year before he told his parents about me despite them being very close.
But maybe he just doesn’t really fancy a relationship, I don’t think it’s that big of a deal.
Maybe talk to him about it though, see if he is looking and give him some advice?

Ignore the nasty posts. Some people get their kicks from bullying others when they are vulnerable - and they are accusing someone they have never met of possibly being not very nice. Irony check!

I'd be worried too. Your reaction is normal and natural. Any mother would care about that key aspect of an adult child's life.

I know two men who are in similar situations. One is same age as your son. He is a gorgeous young man - handsome, good job, but naturally quite shy I think, especially around women. It's a mystery to me why he is single.

The other is drop dead gorgeous. The kind of looks that whenever he walks in a room women and gay men ask me how I know him and will I introduce them. He is nearly 40 now. He's had no problem finding hookups and ONS but doesn't seem to know how to build that into a permanent relationship. I know he is lonely now but he got into the habit of casual relationships and I think doesn;t know how to make the shift.

Have you had an honest chat with him about it? Have you asked if it concerns him? If it doesn't, you may just need to back off. But if it does, you could ask what he feels the barriers are and help him overcome them. I did this for DS2 who was painfully shy and socially awkward - not helped by starting uni during the pandemic. He started to write more specific profiles on his OLD saying exactly who he was faults and all, and what he was looking for. That really changed things for him and he has since had good luck.

I was also quite blunt with him and chatted a bit about what women did and didn't find attractive. Confidence matters - so he started to build it. And I pointed out one of his hobbies is conventionally seen as sexy and he needed to get out there and do it more. He did, and met a lovely girl that way.

Does your son have any hobbies that are attractive? You say he runs. Can he join a running club rather than go running alone? A friend of mine met his girlfriend that way. Is there a way you can gently encourage him to do things slightly differently (so long as he agrees that he wants to start dating and wants advice)?

Just please dont start any conversation with your fears for him being lonely and you never having any grandchildren 🙃
Since hes in the military Im just assuming he's banging like a barn door in a hurricane and doesn't want to share this with his mother.
Or he's really not that bothered.

I wouldn't go out with someone in the military, but to reassure you I didn't really have a "proper" relationship until I was 30 and then met the person I'm going to settle down with (6 years so far).

Some nasty responses here. It’s really not that unusual and many couples are meeting later. When and if he’s ready to start thinking about settling down he will find someone. It sounds as though he has a job he enjoys and good friends and as long as he’s happy and fulfilled in the here and now that’s what is important.

He is in a relationship. With the RAF. The camaraderie and community mean that he doesn't have to go looking for a partner in order to have a supportive human presence or an organised social life. If he wants an individual relationship, it will need to be with someone who is happy to marry into the RAF. That kind of job is not just a job.

It's perfectly normal for a mother to be concerned for her adult children

It is normal for a mother to be concerned for her adult children. What I find bizarre (and quite unhealthy) is the urgency with which people seem to want to rush their children into relationships.

Getting into a committed relationship in your 20s is a gamble. It may work but for a lot of people it’s massively limiting and creates stress and baggage at the time when they should be focusing on their career goals, having adventures and learning about themselves. Why would you be pushing your children to clip their own wings in this way when they are clearly not emotionally or psychologically ready?

The thing I get from this post is that he likes the comfortable and he likes a family life where the woman of the house mothers him. And thats ultimately the type of partner he wants. He'll eventually swap you for someone else when he can find the right person who will do the chores for him...

Just seems so different! Our lot only went home at weekends if it was a special occasion or something. Also to be fair for some of them it was miles away or they were stationed in another country! Every weekend was going out clubbing and sleeping sometimes elsewhere or out meeting women, getting drunk etc 🙈

I could have written this a few years ago, mid twenties son, intelligent, successful, good looking (IMO) and no relationship. But then he had a move for a job, met someone (online), very serious quite quickly, and 3 years later they are married and very happy! He is now 30 and so settled. So it really just takes meeting the right person.

I know this is quite common but I do find it a bit strange. DSis has no idea if her adult DC are dating or not. It baffles me. She's dying to know but never asks. I just have to ask! I always have. I don't pry - I never expect details but I do ask if they have met anyone they like. DS2 is very open - we chat a lot. DS1 is far more secretive about casual relationships. But I explained I was worried that he seemed only to ever talk about work and I hoped he wasn't missing out on fun while he was young and gorgeous. Then I saw his uni yearbook which had him as Flirt of the Year and I asked about this. He admitted he'd had a few flings and got a bit more open. We have met every serious partner he's had.

I think there is a balance between adult children having a private life (which of course they do - they get up to stuff we rightly never hear about) and being open as a family, encouraging them to feel comfortable talking about relationships and romance. They are getting a lot of sexual and romantic input from online sources, from Andrew Tate to endless porn. That needs to be offset by real people they are close to creating an environment where they feel comfortable talking about feelings, relationships etc in real life. The more we say 'none of my business' the more likely they are to normalise advice and opinions from other sources that may have no one's best interests at heart.