My son is almost 27 & never had a relationship, I worry he's going to end up lonely

[Onthecarpet2002]

Just this. I know some of you are going to say it's nothing to do with me but I think it's natural to worry about your ds. He's good looking & very fit, a nice lad but probably a bit shy. He's in the RAF & comes home most weekends as most of them do. He goes out occasionally at home but his friends are starting to settle down a bit & to the gym.
The only holiday he's had with mates this year is a RAF work trip to Cyprus where he had a few days free before he had to come back again.
There's so many ladies on munsnet asking where the good men are - there's one right here at the weekends! I know from a friends daughter that he's been on Tinder, obviously had no luck there. He seems happy enough with his life, says he is, but I don't know if deep down he might want a partner.
I do worry that as he gets older he's going to end up being a lonely man.

Being single in your twenties is an issue?

As far as my family we concerned, I was single throughout my 20s. Oddly, I didn’t disclose every passing fling and every bloke I pulled.

Didn't take long for the misandry to arrive 🙄

Bore off.

Online isn't necessarily grim, it's how about 60% of people meet their partner now, and I think you are showing your age a bit to be adverse to the idea tbh. Some people do just sit online for forever, but actually, the most successful are ones who use it as a introduction service, message for a few days then meet f2f quickly. When I was on the apps, I had a much broader F2f social life than I do now!

There is a possibility he is casually dating through the week, and just not telling you. Weekends at home with the parents are probably a bit of a downer on the ability to do that.

Also, yes, people are settling down later. Staying in education longer and not having the financial ability to spread their wings contributes to that. Along with more women being brought up with the idea that they should get a good career behind them before kids (again, affording a good life, and long term security) means they aren't looking to settle down in their 20s either

My parents’s friends always noslly asked, when I came home for Christmas from London, if I was ‘courting’ in my late 20s - working class town where everyone married their boyfriend/girlfriend from school.
It is incredibly rude and patronising to make assumptions about other people’s relationships. My DS of similar age appears.not to have had a serious relationship but I don’t comment or interfere-much better not to settle out of desperation!
My younger DS is just heartbroken after the breakup of a three year relationship - which is better?
Honestly just get a life of your own and have less time to obsess about others’ choices!

Maybe he's gay. Or, it's none of your business.

Unfortunately society has become very antisocial with many young people unwilling to interact with each other unless it’s online.
Gone are the days when you just meet someone just by being out and about on a Friday night. So it is an issue that there are more people in their 20’s and 30’s who have never had even a first relationship.
I understand your worry, OP. However, you can’t get involved and if he appears happy then just try to be content at that.
The first reply on here was quite nasty. MN has gone downhill in recent years.

@Bewareofthisonetoo true, I'd rather he didn't go through the heart break of a broken relationship; and I can assure you that I most certainly do have a life of my own.

To the nasty ones who say he might not be as nice as I think he is. I know my own son & he is as nice as I think he is. Lots of people have told me so.

Thank you to the more reassuring comments. Maybe I read too much on here as well. Seen so many threads about people seeing it as a red flag if someone has:
a. not had a relationship by now
b. still lives with parents so they're probably inept at doing chores & life admin, being a mummy's boy. None of this is true.
c. Actuallly being in the military

For those saying it is an issue, why is it? I'm in my late 30s and only ever had one boyfriend. He's the only person I've ever kissed let alone slept with. I've been single over 10 years. Im asexual though but even so, it's not an issue.

Ignore the sound bite op. People trot that kind of mantra out all over MN.

It is perfectly normal for a mum to be concerned.

I understand your concern but equally he really is still relatively young in the bigger scheme of things.

Is there anything - being objective for a moment - that you think could lie at the back of it? Do you suspect he might have fallen for someone unavailable for instance? Is there any chance he could be working through sexual orientation issues ( if he’s never entered a relationship)?

I’ll tell you what I find weird and it’s comments like this that hack away at family ties as though it’s somehow perverted for a parent to take an active interest in their children, but which never seem to twig to the idea that perhaps it’s that sort of “ just bugger off and leave me alone” attitude that lies at the heart of the MH crisis and has resulted in so many people in society drifting without anchor and lacking support.

Where does it say they are??

The OP never said they were.

I do think attitudes to “needing” to settle down are also changing.

Despite the dire warnings to women on MN who are contemplating babies later in life, the reality is people are managing to start families when they are better positioned financially and maturity-wise . Also more women are staying in education longer etc. Patterns of life have changed - and this is all facilitated by increased longevity. It’s far better that he takes his time op than rushes headlong. I cannot count the threads on here of depressing-sounding marriages that begin “ DH and I married young…”

You lost me! Sorry for thinking a 27 year old needs privacy & independence.

The world is full of men who are not so nice (or even downright abusive) to partners while being very nice to everybody else. Not saying that's the case with your son at all, but I don't think it's "nasty" as such for people to suggest that this is a thing that happens, sometimes.

Well as he’s never actually had a relationship it’s unlikely he’s been an abusive partner. If you think about it.

Absolutely. But it will always be a mum’s business to worry about their child. That’s different from instructing him how to act - which op hadn’t suggested doing.

It's true that any or all of those things will put some women off, but you haven't actually established that he wants to be in a relationship, now or ever.

You could ask, but careful how you word it!

Never had a relationship that the OP knows about. And even if he just had one or two dates with someone or a one night stand or something, he could have been less than "nice". Not saying that is the case with her son, just pointing out that some people are shitty in their relationships with romantic partners in a way that everyone else in their life would never believe.

@Onthecarpet2002
Take no notice of the snippy comments on here, it is quite natural to worry about our children

The only thing I would say is, often our adult kids have more secrets than we know about, quite rightly! Maybe he has dated!
My DD went years and years at a similar age not seeing anyone after having her heart broken by a horrible partner/boyfriend. She is now living with the most wonderful guy that was worth waiting for, she is so happy and I never thought it would happen!

It will happen for your son because he sounds a decent well-rounded nice guy

I lived near a major RAF base when I was younger, and me and my friends used to frequent the local watering hole that they used. (With all the worst intentions 😉) I can assure you OP he’s probably having a great time with the ladies. He’s just not settling down yet.

I love the first few replies here, typical jump to attack replies! It’s natural to worry but a lot of people meet people randomly at some stage in his life and he’s still young. they were saying on the radio that this generation have it the hardest in terms of actually meeting people, that previous generations had so many more opportunities. Add to that he’s it’s their life and a tough job so as you say he’ll only have the weekends (although the job title might be a thing too) Try not to worry, as with anything the less he thinks about it and concentrates on just being happy in himself he’ll get there

Some of the right twats we’re out last night/early this morning.

I agree with @JoshLymanIsHotterThanSam - he’s military. He’s likely up to all kinds of shit he’s not telling you about. I used to work with RAF guys in my 20s and the stuff some of them did used to make me raise my eyebrows - and that takes a lot.

TBH even if he’s not, does it matter? He’s happy, so why flap?

I have someone close to me like this, he just really lacks confidence, but he's a lovely guy. I think if they miss out in the teenage phase of relationships, early 20s at a push and it just gets harder and harder to overcome. Because it's not just about confidence by then, it's a whole range of conscious and subconscious behaviours to learn to navigate fresh when the women his age are like basically naturals.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll always be alone now for the rest of my life. My previous relationship almost destroyed me. And I hate the way I look now. I don't know if it bothers me or not. But it does scare me sometimes thinking of being all alone when my son moves out, I don't really have a lot of people in my life to talk to and see. And being alone as I get older and getting lonelier and lonelier.

I think this is quite a common problem in young men. I think there is hope for him. Do you think therapy could help ? Does he have siblings that would go out with him to bars, just get him used to a bit of a chat here and there with women ?

He sounds like a catch