My son is almost 27 & never had a relationship, I worry he's going to end up lonely

[Onthecarpet2002]

Just this. I know some of you are going to say it's nothing to do with me but I think it's natural to worry about your ds. He's good looking & very fit, a nice lad but probably a bit shy. He's in the RAF & comes home most weekends as most of them do. He goes out occasionally at home but his friends are starting to settle down a bit & to the gym.
The only holiday he's had with mates this year is a RAF work trip to Cyprus where he had a few days free before he had to come back again.
There's so many ladies on munsnet asking where the good men are - there's one right here at the weekends! I know from a friends daughter that he's been on Tinder, obviously had no luck there. He seems happy enough with his life, says he is, but I don't know if deep down he might want a partner.
I do worry that as he gets older he's going to end up being a lonely man.

I think 27 isn't that old, particularly for someone who has moved away from home. Being in the RAF will also give him work and travel opportunities with more unmarried people than a civilian life might. Try not to worry about him if he is content with his life.

You can be sad about it but there is nothing you can do about it. When I was his age my mom always nagged and bothered me about being single and it did not help in the slightest.

Do you even know that he wants / is looking for a relationship? He may just be on Tinder looking for sex.

Being a parent and worrying is natural. My mom still worries about me being “lonely” but over time has accepted there is not much she can do to change that situation so should focus her time and attention elsewhere.

Maybe something to consider?

Also he needs to build his support networks. Romantic partnership is not the only cure for loneliness.

Why is it an issue?

This is mind blowing to me consider how must women I speak to struggle to find men looking for committed partnerships.

So why can’t these two groups find each other?

@JHound

You can be sad about it but there is nothing you can do about it. When I was his age my mom always nagged and bothered me about being single and it did not help in the slightest.

I find the psychology behind this bizarre. What do people hope to achieve from this? Do they somehow think that lecturing and nagging someone who for whatever reason isn’t in a relationship is somehow going to accelerate the process? It’s a boneheaded way to look at it.

I had an elderly relative who used to say every time she saw me: “Why haven’t you got a boyfriend yet?” She was a kind and well meaning old biddy so I let it go. But honestly how stupid, on every level, do you have to be to think this is an insightful or emotionally intelligent question to ask of someone?

FFS.

I think they must think you have not noticed you are single or (if you don’t want to be single) aren’t trying to change that!

It never occurs to them that it’s part your own effort part luck and that’s that.

offyoujollywelltrot · Today 00:24
Women aren't responsible for relieving male loneliness.

Ignore this ridiculous post, OP.

He's only 27 and life is long. He'll settle down. He looks after himself and he's happy, these are great things and attractive too. He'll find someone in his own time.

what??? none of the posts were nasty at all, and
being single in any circumstances is not "an issue"
and man in his twenties with a good job and friends is in no way shape or form an issue
your post is the weirdest one on here!

27, especially for a man, is not old. Men mature later in general and many don't want anything serious until they are in their thirties. As long as he is happy then try not to worry.

Maybe it's a question of quality more than quantity - too many men who think they can get women a lot younger and more attractive than they are / looking for a woman to sponge off / who think women are put on earth to do all the chores and wait on them / who want a carer for their old age / who are misogynistic or just generally creepy or unpleasant in some way / who are attached already and lying about it and using OLD to cheat.

Or maybe it's just different goals - the women want "committed partnerships" and the men think OLD means lots of strings-free sex.

@OCDmama I'm not naive at all. My dad was in the RAF before I was born, so I have his account of what being in the RAF was all about back then. I'm now a military mum. Do you think while my son was applying to join that I didn't lie awake at night worrying about what could happen to him? That I still don't worry? Posting on mumsnet asking other military mums about their worries & feelings on their dc joining up?
Yes bombing of civilians does happen, of course it does; but there is more to a career in the RAF than just dropping bombs and shooting people. That is for another thread. As for dv, there are many perpetrators of this on civvie street. Substance misuse is EVERYWHERE on civvie street too. You get caught with drugs in the RAF & you're kicked out straight away.
There are just as many personnel in the RAF who leave with a good qualification and hold down good jobs, are not violent to their spouses and do not have a drug addiction problem; so yes, in my opinion the military do deserve respect, they are willing to lay their life on the line to defend our country in a war.

This, really. I think that it's hard for people in their 20s/early 30s to meet partners unless they live somewhere where there are lots of social activities happening. Friend's daughter does a job (she's excellent at it) where she travels frequently to companies to solve problems but is never anywhere for very long. Quite a lot of the time she works from home so meets no-one. She's 34 and her circle of school friends have long moved away and have proved hard to replace.

Current boyfriend found from on line dating, which has been hit and miss for her.
Where do people of her age find friends and partners? Genuine question.
She plays sports with other women or goes to the gym but the people in the class change all the time. She doesn't like clubbing. Drama groups tend to be heavily women orientated.
If you aren't meeting people at work I think it's more difficult.🤔

If I hadn't married my uni boyfriend I doubt I'd have met anyone afterwards. Some places don't have a lot of different groups that you can try until you find a good fit and then the groups themselves can be small or not even meet all that frequently.

I do know people who have met partners through OLD but also people who keep trying it and can't get on with it at all.

@BibbityBobbityToo

Plenty of out and proud in the military, things have changed a lot in the last 20 years or so.

I met DH at a climbing wall in my late 20s. My DN who is mid 20s met her fiance at the gym. DB met his fiance through a dungeons and dragons meet up lol. You need to have a decent social circle / hobbies to meet people - far too many young people don’t make the effort to foster either.

I agree that being single isn't an issue. I can happily be single. If my DH died or left me, I'd prefer to spend the rest of my life as a single woman.
Lots of young people are very happily single and enjoying the benefits of single life in their 20s.
However, it can become an issue if someone reaches their late 20s, 30s, 40s whatever and has never had a relationship if they want a relationship. It's great to be happily single, but if you're not happily single and you yearn for a companion, then it's an issue.
My male friend was terribly shy and lacking in confidence. He'd never had a girlfriend, never kissed a woman, never had sex. He felt awful - he watched his mates effortlessly form relationships, and he felt there was something wrong with him.
So I wouldn't say that being single is never an issue if the person involved feels it is.

What you've provided are anecdotes, and your assertions are completely contrary to actual data. The data tells a different story. That members of the armed forces are more likely to be perpetrators of DV and substance abusers - there are not "just as many" who don't abuse their partners as in the civilian population. IPDV is more prevalent in the military and it's something potential partners might consider. If you're going by anecdotes, my own experiences with family members in the military are a lot more troubling.

I don't think you can overlook the shooting or bombing either, it's something that anyone joining the military could have to do, or their role would support. You're talking about taking human life. I also don't think you can claim that the military have covered themselves in glory in recent years - look at the absolute shit shows that is Afghanistan and Iraq. Why would someone want to contribute to that? Be attracted to continuing that sort of damage?

These are major issues and moral quandaries that plenty of young women should quite rightly be thinking about when it comes to considering military men.

Again, try putting your jingoistic faux-patriotic Daily Mail soundbites aside and try using your brain.

A friend of my Husband's had never had a relationship until he hit about 30 met the woman of his dreams and became step dad to her children. He was happy while single and playing the field but found a new happiness in family life - but the switch happened very quickly and I can remember my Husband being very surprised. 10 years on and he's still very happily married. It can really happen that quickly.

But you don't have to be part of a couple to be happy, you can be very happy single.

@OCDmama

These are major issues and moral quandaries that plenty of young women should quite rightly be thinking about when it comes to considering military men.

Like what?

@OCDmama Bore off telling me to use my brain. Anyone with a different opinion to yours on joining the military is obviously wrong. My opinion on joining the RAF still stands.
Does your judgement extend to non-combat roles such as medical staff? You know nothing about my son or his job in the RAF. The likelihood of him having to shoot someone as part of his job is very remote.
You have tried to derail my original thread with your argument, which was actually nothing to do with the perceived rights or wrongs on joining the military.

Like the ones she listed in the preceding two paragraphs.

I definitely think there is a mismatch of desires with far more men looking for no commitment sex.

Or even if they are looking for a serious partner they are willing to mislead a lot of women (in their quest for sex) to find her.

If only there was a way so that only serious people would find each other and people that know they have no long term interest in a person would leave that person alone!

The “men mature later is a mythical trope designed to excuse men from acting inappropriately and force women to parent them.