SIL used my baby name

[Elle989898]

I’ve been TTC for years, no living children so far, just two miscarriages this year. SIL just had a baby and has called him my DP’s (her brother’s) middle name + our much wanted baby name. I haven’t said anything but I am so hurt. AIBU?

Well we she’ll see how she feels if op decides to use it…

I just have this hunch that the laissez faire vibe might be less apparent at that juncture.

My DB's middle name is our DM's maiden name (so a 'family name'). It doesn't mean that only he or his offspring can use it. Had I decided to use it for my child I wouldn't have asked his permission, and nor would our DS have done so.
I am so sorry to read of your fertility issues and I wish you all the best but I think it's clouding your judgement on this one.
Two of the girls names I loved for my DD were chosen by family members as their dogs names... don't know what that says about my taste (or my luck) but I found something else. Also, you could still use the name as a middle name, especially if it's got familial links.

It's sad but if she did not know then she meant you no harm. So sorry for your losses. Miscarriages are hell.

You need to let this go.
I hope you get your baby soon 🙏🏼

She just made her choice.
She didn't use your baby name.
Sorry about your experience so far and best of luck.

I thnk you're projecting your grief onto this, finding something to vent about.

If she didn't KNOW that was to be your baby's name she's done nothing wrong. If she did know, she's been insensitive.

But holding and nurturing this anger about what is only a sound, when it comes down to it?

I'd recommend you find yourself a therapist and talk it through with someone who can help you find perspective, and let it go.

What's in a name? A rose, by any other word, would smell as sweet.

AIf its a family tradition then continue it!ll I can say is that I was named after my maternal grandmother being born 3 weeks after she died, and then 2 of my Mums siblings also gave their daughters the same name several years down the line. Now I know we are a large family (I have 30-40 cousins) but we are all relatively close and to be honest its not a big issue.
My Dads side of the family also had a tradition that the men had the same first name, 2nd initial and surname - so for example grandad was Jamie Logan Blyth, Dad Jamie Luke Blyth and my brother is Jamie Lewis Blyth - it got a bit confusing when all three lived in our home as post came for J L Blyth but that was the only problem.

I wish you well in creating your family.

Disappointed - yes.
Hurt - no.

It wasn't done to have any impact on you whatsoever.

There is no reason for you not to use the same name. The children will have different surnames - I have a friend and she and her sister both had a daughter with the same name. No one thought anything of it.

And what if you only have girls? This whole thing will be redundant anyway.

I don't think this is exactly about the name thing, I think it's the fact that you have had two very sad losses, and it's tapping into all the completely understandable emotions from those.

Try not to mix the two things.

Sorry, I see I got it wrong and SIL is DH's sister.

I know it feels hurtful right now, but there are millions of people in the world with the same name. For example, my Mum and 4 more of her girl cousins all have the SAME name - their maternal grandmother. Only one was ever known by the name! For example, my Mum is known by the Gaelic version of it, someone else by their middle name, someone by a shortened version, etc. It happens. Hopefully you will go on to have a boy, who you can call that name; but what if you have 4 girls? Then I assume you might not use the name....

I have a lot of sympathy for you op and I can understand why you feel the way you do. Unfortunately it's just another shitty thing that can happen when ttc takes longer than you'd want it to. It's not fair, no part of what you've been through is and your feelings make perfect sense. But they also are a bit misplaced. I don't think anyone in this scenario is unreasonable. Its reasonable for your sil and bil to use the names, it's reasonable for you to be sad about it.

I also agree with others you shouldn't be placing blame on sil... this was clearly a joint decision between her and your bil.

His (only) middle name? Do people have several? The more updates there are the more upset I get that you are being unreasonable. A child has been given an identity by his parents. No one cares another person doesn’t not like the name. Pick a different name if you have a son or do the tradition and the boys will have different last names. Use their full name if both together or a nickname. Or don’t hang out with them. Maybe the name also happens to be on his side of the family and they used it for a tradition he has. When you follow a tradition in naming a baby you are not naming a baby. Your great great someone named your baby cause if a name they gave your great someone that name. Makes it even more ridiculous to be upset. Or maybe they really like the name and as they did a tradition for the first baby wanted to actually pick a name for a child for once. My neighbors the husband was Greek. They could not pick a name until the 3rd son. The first and second son and first and second daughters are prescribed names. So maybe they picked a name they loved which happened to be her brothers middle name. It’s not even his first name.

Traditions are not typically a daughter thing. The first child may have been named after the father’s family tradition. And it just coincidence. The OP’s SIL’s husband. Or the SIL didn’t care to care to follow tradition. So Jane Louise Kane married Tom Joseph Kelly. Jane’s brother is Kevin Patrick Kane. Jane and Tom named boy 1 Joseph Kelly and they just named boy 2 Patrick Kelly. And Kevin and the OP are upset cause they want to name their future 1st son Patrick Kane? Not a big deal.

So Tom did Jane’s (SIL] dream and they named baby 1 Joseph. Now they have baby 2 and Tom wants to use Patrick. Jane says but Kevin would use Patrick. Tom says they would have different last names, I like the name. Jane says I like the name also. Tom says Kevin might be a girl dad besides. We should name our baby. They can name their baby. Maybe if there are two Patrick’s one day there will be a nickname. Or maybe in 3 years one of them will move farther away and the get together less often? Or maybe Kevin will have girls? Why not use a name that may go to waste you like? Or maybe Patrick is Tom’s uncle’s name or his mom’s dad’s name who only had daughters and he knew grandpa Patrick and wanted his name to go on. It was his wife’s naming tradition for the first baby. It’s time his family is considered. If you are around these people a lot you must normally like them well enough. And they are family. Why be a jerk about this?

Suck it up.

I know you had losses, every family does it different, they might have supposed you named the losses and already applied the tradition. Depending on how far along you were. Losses often named after a family member. But who would dare ask? Some are upset they named a baby after their miscarriage that no one knew, or their wife’s miscarriage with a former partner even more remote. Also a suck it up situation.

In a year this won’t be a problem so when spend time and energy on being upset over this? Maybe it’s to distract from actual things to be upset about?

In general, I don't believe people own names. But I do think family should show consideration towards one another.

SIL (OP husband's sister) knows and understands the naming traditions in her own family. SIL even stuck to it in naming her first child, so she knows how it works. So safe to say SIL also knew, that in naming her second child, she was using the name that was meant to be for her brother's first son. Her brother and his wife (OP) have recently lost two babies through miscarriage - that name might have been one of their names, if born a boy. In that context, SIL has been really, really, horribly insensitive.

No wonder OP and her husband are so hurt.

OP wishing you and your husband peace with your SIL's decision and hoping a beautiful baby joins your family soon.

Well put.

Not only is it a family tradition, it's a family tradition that the SIL followed with her own first born, so she should have considered that her brother would do the same. There are plenty of other names she could have chosen.

She did nothing wrong. You need to move on. You may have girls & never even have a boy, so all the upset may be for nothing.

No, of course not. Just as my Mum never asked for anyones permission to give him the name. Why would she? It's a name. Also, as my brother had already used my name for his first daughter, that would have been ridiculous. Also, what uncle wouldn't be proud to have a nephew named after them?!

The boys in the family all have a first or middle name in common with our Dad too. Who would be more entitled to use it in a world where we have to ask permission for names? The oldest? But what if they never have a boy?

Names don't belong to anyone. It's very sad about the Op and her losses and hopefully she'll have a beautiful baby of her own one day. And still uses the name she has her heart set on. I just don't think she's more entitled to it than other family members.

There is one other thought, OP. You may have chosen a name for your hoped for baby but when the baby comes that may not be its name. You may choose something else, or re-arrange the names to suit this new, unique person. I hope you have your family soon, meanwhile, your SiL doesn't seem to have meant to hurt you.

Having read and update, I now feel very sorry for the nephew who's uncle doesn't want to share his name with him.

Their family tradition, which SIL stuck to, means her brother calls his son after his own name. Not that SIL calls her son after her brother!

OP and her husband have lost two babies over the past year and now SIL has given her child a name that she knows is for her brother to use for his first child.

Feel sorry for the child born to such a thoughtless mother.

That's quite the reach.

A huge reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaach I’d say.

As an 80s kid I can confirm that almost all the boys were called James, John, Mathew or Mark 🤣

Everyone is saying you’re being ridiculous but I’m on your side OP.

If it was tradition in your DH’s family to use dads middle name as first name for child, I can understand that going through losses and infertility and not having that opportunity yet to do so yourself - having someone else take that away from you feels like a massive slap in the face and every time you see baby for a while you’ll think about it.

Some people just don’t think, and like you say, I doubt it was done maliciously.

It doesn’t matter what others think on mumsnet, if you and DH are hurt, then you’re hurt.

There is nothing you can do now, so I would continue focusing on your journey and when the time comes you can still use DH’s middle name.

I’m so sorry about your losses,xx

No one knows if he will do the tradition cause he does not have children yet, or at least not with his current partner.