SIL used my baby name

[Elle989898]

I’ve been TTC for years, no living children so far, just two miscarriages this year. SIL just had a baby and has called him my DP’s (her brother’s) middle name + our much wanted baby name. I haven’t said anything but I am so hurt. AIBU?

These traditions are a bit daft anyway. What if the mother of the child really doesn't like her husband's middle name? Surely she'd object and that would be the end of the tradition.

Thats what I was thinking! Theres no way I would be choosing my baby’s name to be some predestined name that my husband has as his middle name because it’s a famiky tradition in THEIR family. What if I hated it!?

My DH’s family had a bit of a thing where the firstborn son was given a certain name as a middle name for a few generations but it was a horrible name-my DH hated it and so did his dad. We don’t choose that middle name for our firstborn!

In my family, it tends to be (and I won’t say it’s a ‘family tradition’ because that makes it sound like something set in stone) that people choose a name they love as the first name and then the middle name is often a family name they like. It sounds sensible to me to just choose a name you both like.

I’ve just been reminded of a colleague at work years ago who was devastated that her cousin had named her baby a name that she had wanted to use for her baby boy since she was a child. She hadn’t told the cousin this though. The colleague was in her 30s at the time, but had no partner/wasn’t pregnant and in fact this was 15 years ago and she has never had any children. Very sad but you can’t obviously prevent other people choosing names they like.

I can understand your feelings which must have been heightened by your sad losses. I hope you have your own baby soon, you could always skip tradition, use dh’s middle name as your baby’s middle name and find an even lovelier first name. Wishing you your own baby soon.

And I do think your sil was thoughtless given your circumstances.

Just use it too! SIL and I both like the same girls name (I initially mentioned it, then she got pregnant and mentioned she might use it if it's a girl). I said that's absolutely fine, as long as she is ok with me also using the name if we get pregnant again and have a little girl. She's having a boy, and I don't know what I'm having yet!

I get it OP, pretty insensitive but it doesn’t stop you from using the name too.

Isn't it fairly normal to use someone's name as a middle name, or visa versa? My mother's middle name was used for my sister? You don't own a name.

My Mam used to say that family traditions are something that happened once or twice and one person wanted it to continue so labelled it as a tradition.

I think she was referring to some Christmas arrangements which two of her sisters insisted on sticking to every year despite it being very inconvenient and troublesome for the rest of the family and some people not wanting to participate. After the first couple of years of this, the sisters started calling it a "family tradition" and then it was very hard for the others to say fuck off no, that doesn't work for me because "family tradition" is quite emotive really.

Perhaps you are very understandably still hurt from losing two pregnancies quite close together? Nobody has intended to hurt you over the name, it's a coincidence that SIL chose it. Traditionally two cousins or more may get the same name if the name is already in the family and there is no reason for you not to choose it as well. In practice the two children may change it slightly anyway.

I'm not sure why you cannot use the name if the time (hopefully) comes?

So why are you hurt? She didn’t know.

Firstly I am so sorry for your losses . I dont think SIL was being hurtful ,she just liked the name. TBH . What if you had just girls in the future? The name wouldnt have got used then at all.I would try not to dwell on it .Try to stay positive (no easy I know ) Sending hugs xx

I understand why you are hurt. Yes of course she can choose a name that she likes but if you have told her of the much loved baby name before and also used dp name , which you might have used as a middle name , I'd say it's inconsiderate. But again she's free to choose.

This is his family, his partner and the child they will make their own family with - not some random person. Her partner is upset they’ve used his name too. Lol at just a sister being more entitled to use his name than his own immediate family!

No one will say "that's So and sos name" though

There will be at least nearly a year between them (if it ever happens)

My brother and one of my cousin's kids have the same name. No-one said anything. There's a few years between them.

It's definitely misplaced grief over your infertility issues

But while I agree with some of this, saying it probably didn’t cross their mind is kind of exactly what the op is upset about: thoughtlessness.

There are lots of posts about what people are “entitled” to do and whether they “own” a name and other very clinical approaches.

None of them are wrong - certainly not from a legal point of view . But what gets missed out in these conversations is just a bit of kindness. People natter on about “Be Kind” but these days it is used more in the context of “ just don’t dare have an opinion about what anyone else does.” But our actions do impact others and it wouldn’t have taken a genius to think perhaps it might have been sensitive to ask op and DH if they were hoping to use that name, rather than making op feel they leapt in first, or wrote her off as ever having a baby or simply didn’t even consider her and her DH’s feelings about using his middle name for a nephew.

I’m so sorry for your loss but your SIL has done nothing wrong. YABVU but understandably so due to grief.

What if you had girls in the future? Would you suffer from gender disappointment?

DS2 has my DB's Christian and middle names. I never considered his wife who had no DC at the time. We had also never discussed (and still haven't), why she is childfree. I always figured if she wanted me to know she'd tell me.
Twenty years later, they do not have DC but have a lovely bond with DS. Another cousin shares DS's first name and the middle name has become a family name. If your SIL did it knowing how you felt I'm sorry, but I can tell you I did it because I liked his Christian name (I have five DB). It's George so not exactly rare or outing and the middle name was a tribute to my dad who died nine months before DS was born. I'd never have knowingly hurt SIL, only she (and her DH) know their motives.

Given the usual circumstances (middle name tradition) it’s a bit strange that they used it without saying anything.

I would still use it. The tradition gives you a strong justification if they say anything.

One thing though - I personally wouldn’t like the expectation of naming my child after my partner’s middle name. I would want to pick my own name, not use essentially somebody else’s choice. I understand you may feel differently, particularly if you like the name.

I’m sorry about your struggles. I’ve also had multiple miscarriages, 3 before I had a living child. It makes things very hard emotionally. Wishing you all the best.

What a drama over a name!
you do know that there’s a possibility that you may never have a boy, but a girl instead?

I think you're getting a hard time over this. Yes, of course nobody owns a name, yes it's fine for cousins to have the same name (there are about 16-25 Marias and Michaels in my family after my great - grandparents) yes, you shouldn't have to follow a tradition blah blah.... BUT she has taken the established naming pattern in her family that would be reserved for the first son of the man with that middle name - your husband. It's very tone deaf and unkind.

I'm sorry for your losses and I would have thought that somebody else in the family, PIL at least would have said 'hold on, going by the tradition we use that's the name that OP and husband DH will have for THEIR son.'

This. Why can’t you still use it? The cousins won’t be joined at the hip and it definitely won’t be a problem when they are adults

I might have missed this detail but did she know your name plans? If she did then yeah, I think that's actually not OK.

I'm so sorry you are going through this but I don't think she was being insensitive or thoughtless, particularly when you never said upfront that was the name you wanted to use one day. She is entitled to choose the name she wants to her baby.

Also not everyone feels so strongly about repeating names, she might be like that and don't even consider this could cause you any upset. If you really like the name use it in the future, it's not like your child will be less special or unique just because his cousin has the same name.

I'm so sorry you are hurting but YABU - you'll have to try hard to avoid focusing on this

@Calliopespa that's what I meant, unfortunately there wasn't any thought about OP's losses and how she may feel about this use of her husband's middle name. It would have been more sensitive for a sister to speak to her brother about the family name tradition in advance. For me it comes back round to those who haven't experienced difficulty conceiving and loss having no concept of what some of us go through. And not being bothered to ask / show a bit of kindness. My own in-laws were similar with their insensitivity and it has tarnished my feelings towards them.