SIL used my baby name

[Elle989898]

I’ve been TTC for years, no living children so far, just two miscarriages this year. SIL just had a baby and has called him my DP’s (her brother’s) middle name + our much wanted baby name. I haven’t said anything but I am so hurt. AIBU?

But for eg you might only ever have a DD and then the name wouldn't be used. I do think these traditions are a bit much and it's totally fine to break them and use a name of a brother's if the parents like it. Your hurt is understandable in the context of the very sad losses and ongoing struggle but that is what the hurt is from, it's not really about a name, that's just a more tangible focus for it right now. Hope that you can get past it and that things get better for you soon. If/when you have DC, I'm sure that you'll love whatever name they have and this tradition and upset will come into perspective and won't bother you any more. ❤

Except they would have been aware as it is tradition to use father's middle name as child's name. Bil and sil even did this with their own first child so are 100% following the tradition, so there is no way they are confused or don't know.

The tradition is one that belongs to the Op's family, not the sister's family. She probably doesn't even know, or forgot, or thought how lovely for them and carried on. She is not obliged to follow her SIL's family traditions. I have multiple brothers and sisters in law and haven't a clue about how their families go about naming themselves. Even if I did, I wouldn't think that I had to adopt that tradition because of a sibling's marriage.

I have this problem about to come up. There’s a certain girls name I like (infact it’s the only girls name I like) and my SIL said if she had a girl she would call her this name. I’m now pregnant with a girl (she has 3 boys) and I’m going to call her this name. So this’ll be fun!

Of course it feels hurtful but as you know, and PP have said, it will not have been done maliciously. Maybe they just really liked the name. Even if it is a family tradition (whose family?) they weren’t to know you would follow it. My father’s family had a similar sort of tradition, and my siblings, cousins and I have disregarded it entirely. If you have a son in the future there is nothing to stop you using the name, but you may find yourself feeling differently about it anyway.

Is it DH’s family tradition or your family tradition?

How many generations have followed this tract?

YABU Your SIL has had a baby and is allowed to use any name she likes. She had no idea that you may want to use it if you ever did end up having a boy. Get a grip OP.

Gently, I think your thinking is a little askew here.

You can still use your DH's name as a middle name? It doesn't stop you.

That is harsh. Particularly in the context of the OP’s miscarriages.

Sorry that you are experiencing such heartbreak OP.

It depends, firstly did she even know you wanted to use that name if you have a baby? Secondly is it a male name (as you said its your partners middle name I assume it's most likely a boys name) as even if you have a child you could have all girls. So yes I think yabu because why should she not name her child a name she wants to? I see it as if you both like a name whoever has a baby first can use it. Also you could still use the name. Travellers have lots of people in their families with the same name

I'm sorry for everything you've been through firstly, but you are definitely being unreasonable. Not least to let your mother in law name your child which is essentially what this tradition is, hopefully she's a bit of a pain and this helps you reframe 😂. But you may have a girl too, or multiples when giving one child the name would make them seem favoured etc. Now you get to think of a name you truly love for the name itself and not traditions sake of a dictated name.

Name stealing??
😅😅😅

I think you know that you are unreasonable OP.

A) she had no idea that you were wanting to use the name.
B) you can still use it!!
C) you are getting upset about 'your name' when it's not 'your name'!
D) harsh as this may sound...you might not even have a chance to use this name...you could have girls!

Massively overreacting here...feel however you like, but then get a grip and move on!

We've also been ttc for years. Just had our first pregnancy and currently going through MMC. I had pegged a name that was beloved from childhood for a daughter (after a book character I loved). Told a friend who was pregnant the name (years before TTC though) and she took it. It's a fairly unusual name so it was no coincidence. It's hurt for years and years. My DP says he didn't like it anyway, but still it hurts. Just telling that anecdote to say that nobody feeling hurt by something is unreasonable. Especially the complex sadness with ttc and pregnancy loss. I'm sorry you're also in the club, I hope when you do finally have your own DC that the hard feeling of this will soften. I hope for me too!

So both your and your dhs family have a tradition where the fathers middle name is used for the first son born ? I have never heard of this. What if you don't like the name? What if it's a really awful name, would you still be made to name your child this ? What happens if you refuse to use the name ?

If this is something that has been carried on for centuries does it mean you need to check with every male member in both families their middle name so that you don't call your other children the same name? That sounds crazy, what if the family is big, DH has 8 brothers that would mean I'd have to ask all their middle names and then I have 4 brothers so that's a total of 12 names I can't use for any of my children that I have , then there's also bils on both side.

No disrespect but you don't have children yet, no one knows what's ahead, you could have successfull pregnancies and they all be girls.

There really isn't anything wrong with more than 2 people with the same name in a family. When I met DH his sister has the same name as me, his brother is married to a woman with the same name as me, one of dhs brothers is in his second marriage and the woman has a girl with the same name as one of my DDS. We're always going to meet someone with the same name jeeze in Ireland some households have 2 people with the same name.

Is it a name that can be adapted / modernised eg. Peter - Peter John becomes PJ?

I'm really sorry for all you're going through. It's so painful to want a baby and have losses and spend so much time trying. (Full disclosure I am out the other side of this after eventual success with IVF.)

Anyone who hasn't had losses and just had their babies whenever they wanted can never know what it is like. I imagine they didn't even think about what you two are going through and assumed it would just be nice to use her brother's middle name. Unfortunately it is unlikely to have crossed their minds that you are hoping to follow the family tradition of using the dad's middle name.

I hope you do have your baby in the not too distant future and feel able to use whatever name you choose.

Did she definitely KNOW that this was to be your baby'name? Had you told her?

Sorry OP but you are being unreasonable here.
You don't own the name.
You might only have girls.
I don't see what the problem is with both children having the same name. We have cousins in our family who have the same name because both sets of parents wanted to name them after a much-loved grandparent. We also have a grandma, mother and daughter with the same name.

What's the family tradition for naming a second boy if the tradition is to use the middle name of the father for the first born son?

These traditions are a bit daft anyway. What if the mother of the child really doesn't like her husband's middle name? Surely she'd object and that would be the end of the tradition.

Just use what name you want. It doesn't matter if cousins have the same name.

In my family we have several Chrises, Davids and Jacks and it's not a problem.

And what law stops you using it?

You have literally not lost anything in regards to the name except the ability to use it first.

I went through a decade of infertility and loss. When I had my DS before even leaving the hospital distant family started contacting me to say that name had already been used by a cousin (didn't even know). DH family announced at meeting our child but you have a niece with the variant of it that uses that (like Charles and Charlotte both going by Charlie) and my response was 'oh well, thats nice' and then just ignore it.

I was robbed of enough over the years, not changing my name that I had picked for decades and loved just because fertile Mertyl beat me too it. My DS loves his name and it has effected him negatively not once in his life. Day to day in school, friends and everything else they have zero idea he has cousins with the same/similar name.

This issue is 100% your own making. You some have decided to be upset, you can decide to not be upset.

Move on, and focus on things under your control. Being upset won’t change anything,

I think you have a point in these circumstances OP.
She probably did want to honour her DB, but it was a little thoughtless and because of your situation with TTC, she could have been more thoughtful and asked for your opinion. There were other favourite names they could have used if they had been more careful about thinking it through.
So I’m really sorry about the hurt you are experiencing with miscarriages and with this blow on top. It must feel very tough right now.

Don’t write off the idea of using the same name though if you have a boy or maybe a female twist on the same name if you have a girl. It’s family tradition that you don’t wish to let go of and that should be accepted by your family.
Good luck OP !

She really isn’t being unreasonable to use a name that has a family connection for her. I am sorry for your losses, and I hope you have your own baby one day, but until then love your new nephew and his name. And remember there is no reason why cousins can’t have the same name when the time comes for your child to be named, though I am pretty sure that when that day arrives the baby’s name will be the last thing on your mind.

Yeah don't you hate when you go to bed and wake up without a name because a burglar snuck in in the night and took it.

My friend Sarah is still furious, she loved being a Sarah but is now shes Lucia as thats all the name shop had left in stock after her name got stolen at an airport on holiday.

Its a very real threat people, I have heard immigrants are coming over here and taking all of our names... and trans people

adjusts tin foil hat