SIL used my baby name

[Elle989898]

I’ve been TTC for years, no living children so far, just two miscarriages this year. SIL just had a baby and has called him my DP’s (her brother’s) middle name + our much wanted baby name. I haven’t said anything but I am so hurt. AIBU?

Does the partner have kids with a prior partner? If so and he was not traditional at that time or went with the partners tradition perhaps the sister assumed he was not a traditional guy?

No, but given it is a family tradition (and one that SIL followed) perhaps SIL could have done the courtesy of asking before she gave her son that name.

Also... 'current partner'?!

She refers to him as DP in the first post. This is not a spouse. He could have had a prior partner with whom he had a child and shown not to follow this tradition. And just cause his sister followed tradition does not mean he will. It will be combination over him and the other parent of the baby to decide or not. This is not even her family’s tradition. Why is this such a big deal to her?

What does her family do? Why not do her family tradition? Why not name through a means they like and start a new tradition?

Friends of ours went through years of infertility (they were married 17 years before their DS was born). Their DS shares a first name and surname with an older cousin but the older one is known as Benjamin and the younger as Ben (not their actual names).
MIL shares a first name (think Elizabeth) with multiple family members. They all use different forms of the name - Liz, Eliza, Betty, Lizzie, Beth, etc.
OP is it a name that can be given but on a day to day basis used in a different form?

I've observed a strange school of thought on Mumsnet where couples who aren't married are considered 'less than' married couples. Even if those couples are trying to, or have, conceived.

I get the feeling from your responses that you would agree with this, so I don't think we're going to agree on this either.

Good grief, try reading the thread next time before posting such garbled nonsense.

When some some says partner I use the term partner. Not spouse. I was going with the OP’s language. In my day it was just boyfriend or girlfriend. If said “his former partner or spouse” you would have thought I was treating them as separate things.

Yes marriage is different but today that seems to come after moving in together her and perhaps kids. I will spend no more than 3 seconds thinking about how they are currently partners and not spouses.

Is this his first attempt at parenthood? Is it hers? Is it both? Is it secondary infertility with this new partner? They could be 28 and both have a 4 and 6 year old separately with other partners. Together they have had miscarriages. If he had a child before with someone else maybe she had reason to think he wasn’t going the traditional route in naming.

I hope they have as few or as many babies together as they want.

The stopped teaching logic in schools…

Out of interest, would you have referred to OP as his 'current wife' if you thought they were married? I suspect not.

(I'm not actually interested in the answer, I'm just trying to make a point).

The first post she said DP. Then she followed with DH. I see they are married. That does not mean it is his first child.

She used both terms DP and DH, later on DH. I was looking at the original post when commenting. It’s a habit I have. I don’t expect people to get married in minutes time. LOL

Seeing as they are married I would have used partner not knowing if he had a kid with another woman years ago who was a partner or spouse. I’m just saying having been through infertility myself and adopting and my DH being married before (with no kids), even dealing with infertility now does not mean both dealt with it before. And plenty of other patients came to the office with a child already, they were having trouble having a second.

People remarry and have kids before marriage. It’s quite nice how people can change their lives.

We are married. Neither of us has any children.

DH is delighted with his new nephew, shocked anyone would think otherwise. We have sent nice messages and have a gift ready. But inwardly we are reeling as we really didn’t think they would use DH’s middle name for their baby’s first name, knowing the tradition and knowing we were expecting two babies this year

What happens if your tradition clashes with your in laws tradition? Who wins the right to use their tradition first? Who decides which tradition is a priority? Just curious really

On my side of the family there isn’t any naming tradition. It’s just in my DH’s (so his siblings, plus their parents and grandparents etc). Of course if I didn’t like the name I would break from trad! But we have always liked the name

That’s so horrible of them. Is the name registered? I wonder what his parents think. It’s like they’ve made a point of doubling up, taking his part of the tradition. In the context of your losses I think it’s astonishingly bad taste.

OP I would still use the name, no doubt about that. And I hate to say it but I’m sure that some of the rest of his side of the family aren’t happy about it. Shame on them.

YANBU. They know the family tradition and they've been insensitive about this, especially so, considering your difficulties. Why would they do that?

I'd ask DH to speak to BIL and ask them to change the name.

Out of interest, is it an usual name?

Wishing you well.

I wonder if they just assumed your husband doesn't care about the tradition and you would want to name your baby something you liked since it's not your tradition. All the firstborn sons in my DH's family are named John*. We didn't name ours John because neither of us care for the name or the "tradition".

*not John

Don’t be so ridiculous.

“Dear BIL, you need to change your baby’s name because we might have a baby one day and if we do it might be a boy and then we’d like to call it that name.”

Meanwhile, back in the real world, nobody owns a name, and this baby is already here.

It's a tradition in their family that they've chosen to ignore. That's definitely not a considerate thing to do.

I completely empathise that after what you’ve been through you are upset but I don’t think you can expect his sister to read your minds. Plus you might not even have a boy in which the name would have never got used.
i think and I say this having been like this myself before having children you think a certain way and then when you have your own you’ll realise how unpredictable it all is and that you were a bit daft for feeling that way

I think she meant her husband’s family naming tradition.

I think this is really insensitive and completely tone deaf of your BIL and SIL to do this/ and just really hurtful tbc. Going through loss is hard enough without someone punching your husbands middle name ans it now being a constant reminder of your loss and grief. Initially when I read this I thought maybe the parents didn’t know that they used your baby name or that you can’t “reserve” a name/ but the way you’ve explained it that the tradition is that the boys take their dads middle name is so hurtful and so triggering. As someone who has gone through multiple pregnancy losses I would find this very very difficult. The only comfort I can give you is that I hope the child is a source of love and comfort for you thag he carries your husbands middle name ❤️ sending lots of good wishes for you and your husband

Any chance it's a misplaced way they thought of honouring your dh

It’s a tradition in the SIL’s family. But we have no idea about her husband’s tradition. The already named baby’s dad. He isn’t the OP family. She still is so insistent on it only being about her family or her husbands family she is completely forgetting the father of the named baby who might just like the name, the name might be present in his own family and chosen for that reason. With names it is who gets their first. And they don’t have the same last name. There could be a Patrick Kane and a Patrick Kelly as cousins. This is totally stupid to waste time over.

I think they probably thought it was nice to name the child after his uncle. My eldest daughter has my sisters name as her middle name, my sister was delighted & went on to include my name as her daughters middle name years later.
Don’t be upset, they meant no malice I’m sure. I can also see why you feel upset. Fertility problems and baby loss is so hard xx