Sending children to bed without dinner

[ChristmasisinManchester]

My nieces have just told me they were sent to bed without dinner as a punishment (or tea if that’s your lingo!)

AIBU to think this is a cruel punishment akin to smacking your kids and even 10 years ago parents should have known better?

Or is it still used/fair at times “when necessary” - if a kid “deserved it”.

my husband said that’s whilst his parents didn’t do it, and we as parents haven’t done it - he didn’t think it was too big a deal.

YABU - once in a while it’s understandable
YANBU - not acceptable

(I can understand a kid being sent to their room before dinner time and everyone in too sour a mood to come together - but this was as a “punishment” - the mum used to sneak food to them without dad knowing. Unknown what the “crime” was, but let’s presume it was not punching teachers and setting fire to bus stops, but related to typical teenage girls being arseholes at times)

YANBU OP it is wrong to not feed children. Maybe not desert or sweets but not a meal.

My mother did it to me as a child. It led to disordered eating because whenever I felt sad I couldn’t eat and in my late teens/20s I punished myself by restricting my food as it was learnt behaviour.
It’s abusive and cruel. I still remember being under 10 and being hungry and smelling the food cooking knowing I wasn’t allowed any because my mum thought I’d been ‘naughty’.

Om older now with grandchildren and in my early 60s. This happened to me as a child. No blame here. It was the way it was then.

However, it was completely cruel and wrong. The ex tried to do it once to my children (by him yes)

It was one of the few times I stepped in, and didn't get the backlash, and said "no way are you doing that"

He knew from my tone, face and eyes. It's an appalling cruel punishment which is actually against U.N Law. You don't withhold food from anyone. It's cruelty

It’s absolutely abusive to withhold food as a punishment. No doubt at all.

The younger the child, the worst it is, but always awful.

I think this is child abuse. Food is a basic need not something you can withdraw

Did you send your children to bed without food? Yes or no?

You have openly admitted to withdrawing food, because your children were ‘playing up’
That is abuse, unless you offered them toast or crackers before bed.

Have you even stopped to consider why the dinner times are so fraught?

It Is most definitely not okay to withhold food.

I remember the phrase from TV “sending them to bed with no dinner” but I don’t know anyone who actually experienced or used this sanction. I don’t think it was as common as smacking.

I have never used food as a punishment. Even if DD didn’t like her dinner when she was little, I would still have provided a sandwich/something small before.

What kind of relationship do they have with their father now?

if they're sitting like robots every mealtime, sounds like they are traumatised.

There are other sanctions you can give that don't involve removing food. The most fitting one for this type of behaviour is that they eat separately, after the family. This means they're removed from the situation, are shown the reality of being a pain (no one will want to eat with them) and they still have food.

I have certainly sent mine away from the dinner table if they have been misbehaving and have made them go to their rooms, but I've never witheld food. If they didn't eat their dinner they'd be offered it again.....or a piece of toast or some cereal later on when things were a bit calmer.

I do think withholding food is abusive. And the fact the mum was having to "sneak" food to her children behind her husband's back says it all really about the dynamics in that house.

They dont sit like robots and they definitely aren’t traumatised, why do people always feel the need to say that kids have trauma, or stress, or anxiety? They are just being kids, and kids need to sometimes see a natural consequence to their actions, and at the ages they were they could understand that if they carried on they would be removed from the situation - and that situation happened to involved food.
The kids weren’t removed from a table and told
to sit in a cardboard box for a week starving, they
were perfectly capable of coming back to the kitchen to get food later on when things calmed down. Kids don’t always need to be over analysed, they are what they are, sometimes for no reason whatsoever.

so they didn't go to bed hungry then? Your post implied your kids were messing around at the dinner table and you sent them to bed with no food.

It is abusive to use withholding food as a punishment.

BTW kids do not show trauma to their parents in an obvious way. Trust me.

Also, some parents play all sorts of mental gymnastics to avoid considering that their methods are, let's say, sub-optimal...

My kids went to bed without food yes, because I removed them from the dinner table, they had the option to come down to get food which they know they have so make of that what you will. Withdrawing food and my situation is completely different, what I have done isn’t abusive and I will tell you that until i’m blue in the face.

My children have never had an event in their life to warrant trauma, so regardless of whether they would tell me or not, your assumption that my children are traumatised is quite frankly disgusting.

Unacceptable, there are plenty of other ways to discipline children.

No a device or toy should have been taken. Food should never be used as a punishment. This can lead to problems in later life. I would be having a word, that's like a power trip.

Even axe murderers on death row get three meals a day. You can't punish people by withdrawing meals.
It's cruel and potentially life threatening. And could lead to ED. Absolutely fine to refuse a treat like ice-cream or sweets if they've misbehaved but they still need feeding!

It's a horrible thing to do. Send them away from the dinner table to calm down if their behaviour is unmanageable. And if they missed dinner, they missed it. But give them a basic snack so they don't go to bed hungry.

TomatoSandwiches · 10/10/2024 19:03

This was a very routine punishment singularly used on myself (3 siblings) when I was young,

I wouldn't say common, but it happened to me quite a number of times as child, in the 70s and 80s. I'd been sent to the shop aged 7 and a neighbour pushed me flat on my back, to get something before me, so I called her a horrible cow.

She went by and told my dad and he gave me a hiding and shoved me in my room and told me "Don't you dare come out till I tell you." At 7 pm, he came and turned my light off. I was desperate for the loo and got up, only to have "Get back into bloody bed!" shouted up.

I wet the bed and got a hiding for that in the morning.

You said you punished your children by sending them to bed with no dinner and now they behave like angels every mealtime.

I disagree with this as a parenting strategy as I think withholding food is abusive and traumatising.

That's it.

What did they do?

When I was a teenager, if my mum had prepared a meal and I turned my nose up at it I would have been told that I could eat that or nothing.

I didn’t say that at all - go back and read my post please because you’re wrong.

The question still remains unanswered, did you offer them some food before bed time?

The fact you are adamantly avoiding the question leads me to think you didn’t. Trauma and neglect isn’t obvious - if it was no child would ever be abused! It happens on the inside and is largely unseen until later life.

Do not use food as a punishment. At best you are risking disordered eating Rainy days. Please stop.

Food should never be used as a punishment for children, ever. It's not debatable. Hunger is something that has deep effects on children for their whole life and association between told you have misbehaved, by a husband for example, and disfunction with food in adult relationships persists, along with self punishment when you don't succeed, body image, etc etc.
Never acceptable.

This answers the question. The connection between food and emotional and physical well-being is so strong it should never be used as a way of changing undesired behaviour in children.