Sending children to bed without dinner

[ChristmasisinManchester]

My nieces have just told me they were sent to bed without dinner as a punishment (or tea if that’s your lingo!)

AIBU to think this is a cruel punishment akin to smacking your kids and even 10 years ago parents should have known better?

Or is it still used/fair at times “when necessary” - if a kid “deserved it”.

my husband said that’s whilst his parents didn’t do it, and we as parents haven’t done it - he didn’t think it was too big a deal.

YABU - once in a while it’s understandable
YANBU - not acceptable

(I can understand a kid being sent to their room before dinner time and everyone in too sour a mood to come together - but this was as a “punishment” - the mum used to sneak food to them without dad knowing. Unknown what the “crime” was, but let’s presume it was not punching teachers and setting fire to bus stops, but related to typical teenage girls being arseholes at times)

But in the hypothetical scenario I can quite easily imagine a teen being very rude and unappreciative and the parent not wanting to spend lots of time cooking for someone and putting effort in if they have been disrespectful.

I can't imagine that no. I can't imagine ever withholding food from a child or teenager as punishment. Even having that thought would be so damn cruel.

I mean this in a kind way but perhaps read some of the comments here and allow it to shift your perspective.

Its much worse than smacking I'd say. I was smacked on the odd occasion and I honestly don't think it did me any harm. It was 'the worst' punishment for the worst offences as a little kid.

Letting a child go to bed hungry is much more suffering than a quick slap on the bottom or hand.

Sorry missed the bit in your OP that said this was ten years ago.

You sound like a great aunt and good your nieces can tell you this stuff now. Keep being a fab aunt, I'm sure they appreciate it a lot.

Holy shit, are you my sister? Exact same here. Unsurprisingly I’ve had issues with food my whole life!

YANBU

Never acceptable.

@Sepoctnov I don't need to shift my perspective thanks. Its not something I'd do to my own DD. Having worked in Secondary schools for 10+years and meeting lots of parents I can easily foresee situations where parents would do similar. The fact that you can't suggests you live in a bit of a bubble or haven't been around many parents who struggle with parenting or are at the end of their tether.

I’m sorry you went through this with your siblings, it sounds horrific and being force fed dinner for breakfast is on a very high level of evilness and abuse. Hope you do not have so see your parents in adulthood. I am sitting here in disbelief 😔

As they are now adults, what is their relationship like with their parents?

I mean missing one meal is not going to really harm anyone. It is not exactly cruel to go a bit hungry for one night. pribably quite a good lesson.

if people think that is cruel then I guess that is quite snowflakey as cruel is a string word for missing one meal:

My god, that was truly shocking to read.

I am so sorry you were treated like this 😢

Gosh, I wouldn’t have thought this was a big deal on occasion but it depends on the context. Teenager turning their nose up at dinner and it declaring they are not eating that shit - fine, send to room without anything. Teenager whinging that they don’t like the meal you’ve prepared and want to just eat expensive unhealthy snacks - fine to say no, if you don’t eat dinner there are no snacks and it’s that or go hungry.

Refusing to offer or allow access to any food at all though is abusive, especially as punishment for an unrelated misdemeanour.

I always got cross when my husband tried to use food as a punishment when the kids were younger. I said it was completely the wrong way to go about things and rarely did the punishment fit the ‘crime.’
complete opposite but I remember asking my mum for super noodles for dinner one day and she got beef flavour which I didn’t like. She made me sit at the table u til I’d eaten them all as I shouldn’t have asked for them if I didn’t want them. I remember trying so hard not to vomit as I forced them down.

There isn’t really an excuse for that either, their food can be put in a container and refrigerated until later and then microwaved. No one forces you to eat at a certain time or you don’t get to eat. That’s ridiculous

Goodness me, I would never starve my child as a punishment. I know how rubbish I would feel if I didn't have a meal in the evening and just couldn't inflict that on them

I personally don’t think food should be used as either a punishment or a treat.
Food is basic need and shouldn’t be withheld for a punishment - especially for growing teenage girls who are at a pivotal age for developing negative associations with their bodies and food (wether that being restrictive eating, binging, eating disorders etc)

I agree with this. If they’re messing about, criticising perfectly good food, they don’t get anything else - but I would leave it for them if they stormed off. I’d probably bin it a while later.

Im sure I gave my DP some lip in my teen years and I never went without a meal.

Depends what the food is. Anything that is heated a second time eg quick stir fry with cooked prawns, something using up leftover roast chicken or something rice based can't really be reheated on food safety grounds, so if there is failure to communicate late arrival or refusal to come eat, "dinner" might well end up in the bin and plain pasta or a salad might be all there is.

I could foresee a scenario where teen was messing around on Tiktok or gaming for an hour or more after being told that dinner is ready "now".

Could also miss the window to eat if staying in catered accommodation somewhere...

Like I said extreme natural consequences rather than anything unrelated, and there would likely be limited alternative choices as a result.

Oh gosh I would never ever do this, awful😩 no matter how cross I was.

Take the iPad off them or don’t let them play out etc but not feeding them? Nope.

DH was sent to bed without dinner as punishment. Granted it was "a different time" but he told me he couldn't sleep because he was so hungry and would wake with stomach ache and headaches.
I think it's an awful thing to do to your child. Food is a basic need. And it shouldn't be used as punishment.

Assuming it wasn’t over them refusing to eat their tea, a very strange punishment unlikely to achieve anything.

I couldn't do it. There are a hundred other ways to discipline.

Oh this happened in all its variants in our house when I was a kid.

There was:

'I've made this meal I know damn well makes you heave and gag and retch - eat it or go hungry (and have it re-presented several times until its well and truly off, over the course of the next 24 to 48 hours)...'

And the:

'No dinner for you, off to your room whilst we all eat.'

The default setting was that the meal cooked was the only option available and if you didn't like it there was nothing else, but she also took great delight in making things she absolutely knew I couldn't stomach (and admitted this later in life, quite proudly in fact!)

I'd often be sick because I was hungry, but being sick on an empty stomach just involves a lot of hard retching, making an annoying 'rooooooooooooo' sound and a load of spit. That (if I couldn't hide it from her) would earn me a slap upside the head/thick ear, as evidently I was simply doing it to annoy her.

Food in our house was fraught with trauma and drama and all sorts of emotions. Nasty comments if you didn't like it, if you did and you ate too much, if you asked for any more, if you were too fast or slow.

Iv withheld treats but never basic food. I think we all know that feeling of going to bed hungry and it's horrible and I would never want my child to feel that

My dh's step mum did this to him and his 2 brothers when they were children.

It's so awful. Eating is a basic right regardless of age.

If they have been naughty, you feed them (without much fanfare) and if need be they eat alone and go to bed/their bedroom afterwards.