Sending children to bed without dinner

[ChristmasisinManchester]

My nieces have just told me they were sent to bed without dinner as a punishment (or tea if that’s your lingo!)

AIBU to think this is a cruel punishment akin to smacking your kids and even 10 years ago parents should have known better?

Or is it still used/fair at times “when necessary” - if a kid “deserved it”.

my husband said that’s whilst his parents didn’t do it, and we as parents haven’t done it - he didn’t think it was too big a deal.

YABU - once in a while it’s understandable
YANBU - not acceptable

(I can understand a kid being sent to their room before dinner time and everyone in too sour a mood to come together - but this was as a “punishment” - the mum used to sneak food to them without dad knowing. Unknown what the “crime” was, but let’s presume it was not punching teachers and setting fire to bus stops, but related to typical teenage girls being arseholes at times)

I’ve never used food as a punishment.

My parents did, it caused me issue with food for years afterwards.

never made them finish every scrap of dinner either
it’s abusive

I had this punishment growing up in the 70s. I'd get called down later on to eat my dinner, but I always refused just to spite my parents, even though I was really hungry. Now at the age of 58, I have and always have had a very unhealthy relationship with food, thanks to that and many other rewards/punishments revolving around food. Things like this can screw you up for life.

I don’t agree with you, in fact someone who is hungry and hasn’t eaten that well is more likely to “misbehave” and have trouble sleeping. Children are biologically designed to “misbehave” and teenagers are biologically designed to misbehave and be defiant because they are separating their identity etc. withdrawing a nutritious meal should never ever ever be used as a punishment and parents are responsible for giving their children a healthy meals daily, always. That is love

I think it depends on context. I’ve debated it in the past when I’ve served dinner and the kids have messed around and not eaten theirs. Because I hate food waste I normally after an appropriate time and only if it won’t keep as left overs then finished theirs myself. Cue bedtime of course it’s ’i’m hungry I want food’. My kids class toast or porridge for dinner as a treat so I’m a bit stuck on what to offer because of course I don’t want them to go to bed hungry 😵‍💫 normally I cave but I feel my kids use this against me to refuse to eat meals

I remember a friend's mum used to do this to her in the 80s. She has major food issues now and is obese. Not only is it a cruel punishment, but it also has horrible emotional repercussions.

God do people really still do this?!

This was a very routine punishment singularly used on myself (3 siblings) when I was young, along with being force fed the dinner for breakfast, being denied food from my siblings birthday parties and being physically abused when stolen food was discovered.
It has caused very far reaching issues that are still not fully resolved and I'm 40.
It is a cruel and unusual punishment.

If I knew this family I would be reporting the issue to SS.

Better than being sent up a chimney.

Again.

So removing an unhealthy meal and replacing it with a healthy meal is now regarded as a punishment?
Marvellous.

It’s nasty and I would wonder what else is going on at home.

It’s good that they can talk to you! keep it up OP as you never know when they’ll need you.

If my brother or my sister in law did this I wouldn’t trust them with my kids and I wouldn’t think of them in the same way ever again.

From a safeguarding point of view, as a one off occasional punishment it wouldn't be considered abuse though. If the child otherwise had breakfast and lunch that day and would have breakfast the next. To be abuse withholding of food would have to be a regular occurrence having a physical impact on their health and wellbeing.

Similarly, shouting and swearing occasionally at your child is not seen as abuse although I think it should, but everyday shouting and swearing at your child becomes emotional neglect and has a huge impact on their emotional wellbeing.

Do not jump on me, I do neither to my own DD but if a teen went into school and said "I didn't eat dinner last night" and on investigation it's because they had sworn at a parent and the child looked otherwise well and had access to food for lunch it would barely raise an eyebrow, probably put on the system as a Notice of concern so it's kept a eye on that it isn't a regular thing If a pattern emerges. If a teen comes into school and says the same thing and on investigation it turns out that they regularly don't have meals then it would be treated very differently.

I can see a couple of scenarios where it might happen as a "natural consequence" type punishment ie refuse to come and eat dinner when it's ready despite multiple warnings and find it gone, or being out beyond agreed "curfew" and missing dinner as a result. Or just refusal to eat the food that was provided and there being no alternative.

So only ok if it relates to needing to turn up to eat as agreed. And there would be a dull and basic alternative offered

Not acceptable for behaviour unrelated to turning up for and eating the dinner that is provided though...

It's neglect. We would refer to social services if this was disclosed in a school setting.

Like @VeronicaWouldntStandForThat and @Randomsabreur more context is needed.

Thank you. I burst into tears when they told me and my husband made me feel I was overreacting a bit!

they are adults now.

My late husband used to do this - only when I was away overnight with work! - to our DC when they were teens. If they didn't literally drop everything and come straight down, he'd scrape their dinner into the bin. No notice, no letting them know that it was nearly ready, no consideration for the fact that they were mid homework.

He was not like that when we married, but alcohol changed him into a controlling and abusive man. Using food as a punishment is never acceptable.

Acceptable punishment... in the 1950s. Blinking heck!

Is their mum the Old Lady Who Lived in a Shoe?

I never did this to my kids (now in their 20s), but it was definitely a punishment my parents used on me. I think it's cruel and can give rise to food related issues in later life, especially if combined with other weirdness from the parents re food.

It’s abuse. Your dh needs to speak to the parents, this is definitely not okay. It happened in my childhood and creates life long eating issues..

Did it just happen the once, or regularly?

Abuse and in my opinion could result in children who develop eating disorders.

Yes I think it's awful. How are you okay with letting your child be hungry? I think the most I did when I first had children is that I wouldn't let them have a sweet treat if they'd done something bad. I don't do that anymore though, I feel like there are better ways to teach than restricting food.

I wouldn't even do the early bedtime as punishment with or without tea. Used to happen to us from time to time and I would lay awake for hours because I was put to bed barely after school finishing time. Totally fucked with my ability to fall asleep.

Think it depends if you use "parenting" to throw your weight around or if you are actively trying to raise a happy, healthy, decent human being into adulthood.

Withholding food is abusive. It’s a basic human need. It would be the same as making them sleep in the garden or wear dirty clothes or not letting them wash.

Absolutely disgusting. Who was doing this? Your husband’s brother? How upsetting. Oh or it could be your husband’s sister’s husband?

There’s a difference between saying to an older teen “I’m not spending hours cooking for you if you are going to be rude, you can sort your own tea out” (giving them access to the kitchen to make themselves toast or something), and actually preventing your child from eating anything.