Sending children to bed without dinner

[ChristmasisinManchester]

My nieces have just told me they were sent to bed without dinner as a punishment (or tea if that’s your lingo!)

AIBU to think this is a cruel punishment akin to smacking your kids and even 10 years ago parents should have known better?

Or is it still used/fair at times “when necessary” - if a kid “deserved it”.

my husband said that’s whilst his parents didn’t do it, and we as parents haven’t done it - he didn’t think it was too big a deal.

YABU - once in a while it’s understandable
YANBU - not acceptable

(I can understand a kid being sent to their room before dinner time and everyone in too sour a mood to come together - but this was as a “punishment” - the mum used to sneak food to them without dad knowing. Unknown what the “crime” was, but let’s presume it was not punching teachers and setting fire to bus stops, but related to typical teenage girls being arseholes at times)

This is an upsetting thread, although for me like some pps, food was used in a manipulative way when I was growing up. Sad for all of us who has dcs went to bed hungry - or were given food we couldn’t manage for whatever reason. Mine was poor quality meat, with gristle and fat 😞

@Bootskates totally agree, your point about trying to raise healthy happy dcs and not throwing weight around as parents (paraphrasing what you said)

if my dcs were hungry whilst waiting for a meal I’d even offer a small ‘starter’
just a bit of fruit or veg, another mum I know offers soup and bread as after school snack (before dinner) I love that idea.

Personally I never sent my kids to bed without at least offering an alternative
I f they refused their tea , i offered toast or cereal i didn't like to think they were hungry

It doesn’t BUT that was how they were and I’ve made as much peace with it as I can. I will never understand sending a child to bed with a hungry tummy tbh.

Totally agree re not making food a battleground.

I have always offered a simple alternative. Usually toast and peanut butter or porridge. My kids are pretty good eaters. I was never made to eat something I didn’t like as a child and am far from fussy as an adult!

Withholding food is the last thing that is going to improve behaviour.

Serving a simple dinner rather than a favourite dinner is ok. For example if Thursday night is normally a takeaway night then a dinner that the child is indifferent to rather than a Dominoes pizza is acceptable.

The mum sneaking dinner makes me think that dad is too strict and if she was solo parenting then the child wouldn’t be punished for what they did or given a different punishment.

For those that think it is not neglectful or cruel to withhold a meal as an occasional or ‘one off’ punishment…

Do they think that withholding other basic needs is also ok if it’s only occasional?
for example would they send a child to bed if they’d had no fluids since lunchtime? Would they take their duvet or nightclothes away for one night? Tell them they can’t go use the toilet till the next morning?

all of these are basic needs, so is food.

And ultimately as parents, don’t we want to nurture our dc and have lifelong positive relationships with them? Or are we trying to teach them a lesson and get one over on them constantly.

I can’t imagine withholding food as a punishment, a basic need, how appalling. I don’t know anyone that had this punishment 30 years ago when I was a child, let along now. Awful

Exactly my now nearly 18 year old has a great appetite, he will eat pretty much everything he's also diabetic so he knows he needs to eat
But as a toddler he was very picky and refused many meals but I always give c him an alternative and often he would eat a couple of weetabix and milk

Ive used it once or twice. Not as a punishment but we have had about 6 weeks of EVERY night being told not hungry, dont wan't dinner, yes im sure etc. Asking all the way until he is climbing into bed at 7pm. Then at 7:30pm hell say he is starving. Tried dozens of different things, tactics, ideas etc until after a solid month of battling when the 7:30pm 'Mummy im too hungry to sleep' came he got a resounding tough!!! Have only resorted to it twice. Still battling the refusing dinner though so any advice welcome!! (Have tried not giving after school snack but then he is starving by 4:30pm and will have his dinner then and be hungry again at 7:30pm whilst refusing a snack at 7!!. Also tried him choosing dinner, cooking it with us, him being boss at the table, timers, countdowns, visual aids etc)

It's horrible and something that stays with you, I had it done to me a few times as a kid. One time it was done as punishment because I forgot my lunchbox for school so had gone hungry there too, so was so hungry by the morning. I still remember sobbing in my bedroom.

Suffice to say I am completely N/C with my parents and have been for a long time.

If you're happy to starve children for some stupid misdemeanor, that is probably not the only sadistically vile abuse you're happy to give out to them. It certainly was the tip of a very sharp iceberg in my childhood.

@WillimNot
I hear you

It depends.

Ughh this food is disgusting! I'm not eating it! What were you thinking?

Ughhh lasagne again? Why can't we have caviar and lobster like normal people?

• or any variation of-

You know what? On the odd occasion, fair enough.

Complete removal of food(of any kind) for any perceived slight/misbehaving ,particularly if completely unrelated, on a regular basis would be abusive though.

I would never send my kids to bed hungry in any circumstances.

Whoah that's disgusting.
It's a deprivation of their human right to eat.
It's neglectful.
It's abusive.
It's setting them up for an eating disorder too.
If I knew an adult who was using the deprivation of meals as punishment to a child (teenagers are still children) then I'd be reporting it as a safeguarding issue, family member or not.

And ultimately as parents, don’t we want to nurture our dc and have lifelong positive relationships with them? Or are we trying to teach them a lesson and get one over on them constantly.

Exactly. And I don't think it's a thing of the past unfortunately. More and more I'm seeing examples even just on MN where there's this awful notion of getting one over DC, parents prioritising their own selfishness and comfort over DCs, piss poor parenting at best, cruel and harsh outlook. Honestly makes me wonder why some people have children.

Wouldn't do and have never done this to any of my dc, can't imagine how awful they would feel lying there with grumbling stomachs unable to sleep. There are better ways to deal with bad behavior. People like this really shouldn't have children at all

Absolutely not.

@Sepoctnov
Yes - it’s a very sad state of affairs for some people.

I left home at 17 (just after my birthday)

this was the best option at the time as things were so awful including hunger, and insufficient food of a very poor nutritional standard.

my youngest dc is that age now, I’d be devastated if she left home now, below 18 (barring an amazing education opportunity or similar good reason).

Some people really shouldn’t be blessed with children.

How dreadful.

Abusive.

I wouldn’t be able to let that slide.

Exactly. Removing food is a dreadful punishment. Stopping them having a treat is much better.

No, it’s awful. Going to bed hungry is horrible.

Aww no way - I can’t bear the thought of my child being hungry 😢 I doubt he’d sleep if he was hungry. I will never use food as a way of implementing discipline.

It's horrible, rotten parenting. My mother did it in the 80s - you could get "sent to bed" at 9am and that was it until the next day, no food etc. It was draconian then and it's completely unacceptable now.