A bit sad I wasn't mentioned individually for supporting DH's career

[PlateSpinn]

So DH has just had a notable promotion and a celebration.
I've been there for 30 years, the student years,the low pay, the working away, the chewing over projects. My career took a terrible hit at multiple times to support him and keep the whole kid and home circus on the road.
He thanked his family several.times, looking at his parents, named a few colleagues and that was it.
I'm beginning to feel a little publicly humiliated and suspecting I might be at the end point of being useful when youngest goes to Uni.

Would you thank a spouse or should I just feel family covers it?
YANBU thank your partner
YABU family covers it.

Any good ideas for 'ducks in a row' worst case, I'm being 'let go' shortly.

you chose to make those sacrifices for him, you didn’t have to give up your ‘cool, important’ career in the past. You could have said no and see what happened?

This is true - but remember that there were kids involved. And they have feelings and opinions and preferences as well. And, at the same time, “cool important careers” do not take place between 9-5 Monday to Friday with flexitime. They generally require international travel (often at short notice) and a lot of late nights and cancelled holidays, often at short notice. If you have two parents both doing that, the reality is that the family life you have may not be acceptable to you. That’s why most people who decide to stop working and allow one career to progress make that decision - it’s to enable the children to have a certain lifestyle. The sacrifice is for the kids (or the family), rather than for the husband.

The idea that women who earn far less than their husbands do can power on through in that career just doesn’t happen. I know hardly anyone with dc that did this. High earning women yes. They pay for all the house services and dc parenting is outsourced, and dc go to boarding school eventually. They concentrate on their careers. They don’t have it all though. They have their job. They miss events at school and milestones. Putting yourself first has drawbacks if you are a mum and many do take a big step back from work.

If couples divorce after a long marriage women do get 50% of his pension (usually). All money is on the table and women who do everything to keep the house and dc on the road, do get recognised as making an equal contribution. That contribution is way above what they can earn quite often.

Is this a reflection of how your relationship is normally? That he doesn’t appreciate all you do on a daily basis? Is it possible that he was emotional as he says? Or is he normally a thoughtless inconsiderate twat?

I think family includes you.

I had this.
I got 50% of his hard work/my sacrifice in the divorce though..

I had become a houshold operational unit.

“Family” is too broad and doesn’t include the main person who keeps the show on the road. His wife. It’s a vastly different and more important relationship in the context of supporting him to work and do well at work, Therefore deserves full and separate recognition.

This is how I feel too @TizerorFizz My DH is high earner & our mortgage all paid off no debts plus savings in bank (as both my parents died close together in my early 40s - their 70s 😪). I watch my female friends (all around/ approaching 50) work themselves into the ground with stressful ft jobs plus teenage kids plus ALL household chores/admin and I just think NO. No I'm not doing that. Instead I was available to drive 280 mile round trips to help & visit both my dying parents over the months they needed me & obviously available for every moment my kids needed me in last 20 years in a way my DH wasn't. I have no regrets yet friends seem to want to make me feel guilty for not working. Without myself being project manager and organising everything in our home we wouldn't have had a new kitchen/bathroom/ loft conversion/garden room etc etc over last 20 years either. DH was happy to leave every aspect of that for me to book/design/order/get quotes for & oversee building works. It was a lot over the years but then he was also very busy with his job & away from home 12 hours each day until the covid pandemic. My friends often only worked ft hours as grandparents did free babysitting or because their DH picked up some slack or they popped their kids in ft childcare in the early days & that worked for them but not how I was able/wanted to raise my kids. If my DH didn't personally say 'Where's my fabulous wife? a huge thank you goes to her etc etc' I would be seriously hacked off too!!

I think you are very bitter and resent him for his success, that’s the long and short of it. If you are so unhappy about not working, go back to work?

He should have thanked you but tbh I'm amazed you let your career take a hit to facilitate his, why would you do that to yourself 🤷‍♀️

IMHO his response is even worse than not specifically thanking you for your support.

Saying you’re included in ‘family’ (while looking at his parents) and blaming his lack of appreciation for you on being emotional (but apparently not feeling emotional towards you). And (worse) minimising how hurt you are, and blaming that on souring things still further, is really taking the piss. If he doesn’t realise you’d be hurt, he needs some emotional maturity.

And to say you ‘should have known’! No, mate, people can’t read minds. You have to communicate. Which, presumably, he’s perfectly able to do in his high-flying job (or does he assume his clients should just know?) and was perfectly able to do during all those pep talks when he chewed over projects with you over the years.

It won’t help to have regrets or dwell on the negative. You can’t go back. And there must be many positives. Unlike him, you got to spend a lot of time with your kids. But start to plan a future where you’re financially independent and spend more time with people who do value you, appreciate your support and are concerned when they upset you. You have the third Act of your life (post kids) ahead of you, with all it has to offer, whether you remain married or not.

I totally get why you’re hurt. That is very painful. I think it’s bit of a big leap towards wondering whether the marriage is over (maybe there are other reasons why you think this). But I would tell him that it hurt you that you weren’t mentioned as YOU were the person who managed the home making it possible for him to focus on his work, tell him you did not feel covered by “family” and you certainly don’t belong in the “colleagues” bracket. It sounds like he just doesn’t realise the sacrifices you made to allow him to have his career.

Could you be a little jealous?

A lot of people do not recognise the support of the non-financially earning spouse.

It is baffling to me as likely is career success would not have happened without your emotions and domestic support.

how did you not have a chance to catch up with your DH?!

Christ on a bike, the number of women on here making excuses for his utter thoughtlessness. OP, he's really shown you his true colours, hasn't he? You're so invisible to him that he only sees you when you get right up into his face. No wonder he's grumpy. Men can't stand their human support units acting up. Just stay alert for him looking out for a new model, and make sure you think entirely of yourself from now on.

I am so sorry he responded this way. Is this typical for him, to ignore your feelings?
It could very well be that he also meant you when he said family, but surely he can see how his parents and siblings did not give the same type of support as you did to make his career possible? A “sorry about that, I now see how that could have hurt you l, but honestly I was also thinking of you when I thanked my family” would have been a good response.

Horrible, mean, spiteful comment.

You sound very angry and unhappy generally OP

i’m guessing the marriage generally a bit… pants?

Well I wouldn't say career highlight in my career specifically and I would not say anything in my husbands is anything ro do with me

But we are both family to each other so I would say family covers each of us

It sounds like there's more of a back story to this, as although it was really thoughtless of him not to mention you personally, it's the fact you think this could signal the upcoming end of your marriage that's interesting. Presumably you've had other signs and indications that this might be coming down the line, too? In which case, yes, get your ducks in a row. Brace for impact. But remember: it might be a good thing. A chance to get on and do the things you want in life. I separated a couple of years ago and still feel like I never, ever want to share a bed with a man again, or have to put up with snoring and nose-picking and farts and no conversation and having to base my entire life round his sodding football team! So it might not be a bad thing, in the long run.

Loads of women do this, that's how loads of men have high-flying careers. Yes I know it's the 21st century. No things really haven't moved on nearly as much as people would like to believe.

Not read the whole thread just OPs updates. I seem to be missing something. You surely are his family, he thanked his family, he didn't mention any names from what you've said so why assume he wasn't thanking you?
Why do you think he's going to leave you? Because he didn't thank you? Because you do everything at home? Neither of those mean he's planning to go anywhere. You don't seem to like him very much anyway.
Finally even though the celebration is over you still want him to thank you properly but he can't because you're angry. Does he really need to make a big song and dance about thanking you? Are the two of you not a team that support each other?

I think that from all angles the glaring action that needs taking immediately is that you go back to work.

If my DH mentioned his family and also added parents, I'd assume I am part of "family", and that's why he mentioned his parents seperately? Tbh, even otherwise I wouldn't give it a second thought. I don't really care if i am thanked or not. Every sacrifice i make , i make for my dc, not for my dh or for myself tbh. So if my career has suffered because I took time off work , took up a part time job to work around school drop offs and pick ups, I am doing it for my dc as thats what works best for my dc. I would have thought most mums who sacrifice their careers do so for their dc, not really for their DHs. If not for their children , i doubt very much many women will take a hit to their careers to facilitate those of their DHs. The fact that you are feeling upset by this makes me wonder if there is more to this than his thank you speech?