A bit sad I wasn't mentioned individually for supporting DH's career

[PlateSpinn]

So DH has just had a notable promotion and a celebration.
I've been there for 30 years, the student years,the low pay, the working away, the chewing over projects. My career took a terrible hit at multiple times to support him and keep the whole kid and home circus on the road.
He thanked his family several.times, looking at his parents, named a few colleagues and that was it.
I'm beginning to feel a little publicly humiliated and suspecting I might be at the end point of being useful when youngest goes to Uni.

Would you thank a spouse or should I just feel family covers it?
YANBU thank your partner
YABU family covers it.

Any good ideas for 'ducks in a row' worst case, I'm being 'let go' shortly.

Lol, fair point. No, I would certainly thank my partner for his support, as would he for mine. I have already commented that I feel what OP's husband did was hurtful.

I was addressing the martyrdom of OP and others saying that he could not have been successful without her quitting her job. What rubbish!

Support, to me, means listening and encouraging, and saying "go for it, we'll work it out!", as well as giving good career advice. Not quitting your job and - frankly - becoming a financial burden.

My life would be easier if he were sahd, I wouldn’t be so stressed and I’d be more successful at work. That is blindingly obvious to me.

Really? You wouldn't find the loss of his salary to be an increased financial stress? And you wouldn't be annoyed that you now had to fully support him instead of him getting out and doing something for himself? I can't imagine wanting a SAHP.

How insulting. Housework isn't "women's work". Go back to the 50's.

And if you want to do something valuable, do it. Don't pretend that pottering about while the kids are at school is somehow crucial to your family's success - be successful yourself!

My salary is probably 75% higher with much more potential to grow than his, I’d progress faster with a sahd and our enormous childcare costs would be lower. I suspect you assumed my post was fantasy land and actually we’d be screwed without my husbands salary, but not every woman needs her husband to bring home the bacon 😁

How rude! Yes, he can have his moment of glory but not acknowledging the person who enabled it is extraordinary. Talk about being taken for granted.

I'd give it a day or so to let the euphoria die down and then say, 'By the way, I was rather hurt that ... ' If he's mortified, fair enough. If not, start planning something for yourself that's going to inconvenience him. It'd be a case of 'Well, you had your time (and a chunk of mine). Now, I want my time back.'

m.youtube.com/watch?v=E2e8OTXoRjI

Ok he might not be Ryan gosling, but he could probably benefit from realising what it means to be a team and how he has benefited from you being his greatest support for 30 years

Maybe I should get in touch with a few guys and get them to thank me from the stage.
Bill Murray would be up for it, Ryan Reynolds would just run with it.
I'm not sure I'd ever want to date again so they'd have to work through that disappointment. Hopefully George Clooney wouldn't be too upset.

Sorry OP, I'm not on the same page as you or the majority it seems.
I would've assumed family meant you/kids first , then his parents to a lesser extent.

If I'm out and about and someone asks 'hows the family?' it's not my parents I think of, it's DH and kids. Maybe the different nuance in language depends on what area you're from?

But OP said on two separate occasions he said 'my family' and looked at his parents and not her as she was in another part of the room. I suppose he could have looked over thinking she was there once, but twice? Why wouldnt you the second time say 'Especially my wife who is here somewhere..'

He didn't even look at the OP when he was saying it

He looked at his parents!

Of course family includes you. More likely that he needed to name his parents to clarify that he included them as not many adults have their parents present .

OP also said that he said family was intended to cover her. So it didn't just mean his parents.

It would be extremely unusual for a man married decades to say family and not mean to include wife and children imho. In fact if someone mentioned 'my family' in those circumstances I would assume wife and children were meant primarily, not parents and siblings.

Absolutely he didn’t include his wife. It’s how these people operate. They know the wife has given more than parents in his work life: day in day out.

The cheek above of only recognising women as a financial entity and they are a burden if they don’t work! I ensured my DH could build a very successful business because I took on nearly everything. Why would I kill myself and go out to work too for someone who made zero attempt to help me? He actively told everyone that “Tizer does the kids”. What offers of childcare? Shopping? Cooking? Planning anything? Collecting DC from school etc? Virtually no family engagement at all and I’m expected to go out to work as well? F that.

Had I known this would happen, no dc in this house. I really thought I would carry on working. I did for a bit but women are kidding themselves if they think they can have it all. They end up doing it all. If you are married to a high earner - take the money. You have facilitated everything but for no thanks.

He acknowledged his parents personally, he did not do that with his wife.

There is a difference, there was no confusion for his parents, his wife on the other hand had to be content with a universal term which she apprantly had to be happy with and guage that she indeed was included in that.

What a diamond he is.
Others will have noticed.

OP, what is your DH like? He's being demonised on your thread - is that justified or reasonable? Is he a lovely guy who made a mistake or a complete shit who does this sort of thing often? Several posters have asked - including me - about your overall relationship and his character, as it is completely relevant to your thread.

My DH is a really good egg. We have an equal, happy relationship where we totally support each other. He lifts his end without being asked. If he did something like this, I wouldn't be too bothered, as I KNOW he's good man who loves and appreciates me, and who made a mistake.

Also, I agree with pp - in this context, to me, 'family' means your immediate loved ones - partner and children. It doesn't usually mean your mum and dad once you're an adult with your own family.

I suspect you assumed my post was fantasy land and actually we’d be screwed without my husbands salary

Not at all, I vastly out earn my husband. I would still miss his salary - he earns more than after school club and a cleaner costs!

What a horrible way to trivialise your partners contribution to your relationship.

@Acornsoup I was replying to someone saying they would love to have a SAHD partner, as it would make life easier for her and make childcare cheaper. Which I don't think is true.

I really do value my partner, but because he is industrious and pulls his own weight. And because he supports me and is a good person and a good father.

@Acornsoup That is what the higher earner feels entitled to say though. They are the most important and lower earnings are seen as somewhat trivial. And they say so at every opportunity. It’s very disrespectful and designed to keep the lower earner beneath them and beholden.

Yes, I would feel disappointed to not be mentioned specifically by name, the support you have given over the years far outweights what the rest of his family have done, you are partners in life and I would have felt upset in your situation.

This is a mad hill to die on in my opinion.

you chose to make those sacrifices for him, you didn’t have to give up your ‘cool, important’ career in the past. You could have said no and see what happened?

you sound a bit of a martyr and that being called out publicly in front of colleagues (maybe women, hence the odd grass is greener comment??) was what mattered to you. Not the fact your husband actually felt grateful or thankful.

Hello. I think I would be hurt by this. To not mention once could be a mistake but twice suggests maybe taking you for granted. I’m sorry. The best thing is to speak directly when you are able. Maybe frame it with something positive about him first so he doesn’t leap to the defensive. I think the response will tell what you need to know. If it’s not an apology and an attempt to make it up to you, this would be disappointing. If he doesn’t show appreciation and care for you in other ways at all then you might want to consider next steps. Best wishes x

Fair enough that he should thank you personally. His failure to do so was extremely rude and surely would be noticed by everyone. It's de rigeur to thank your partner at this kind of thing, so the omission sounds deliberate. I'd be furious and insist on something symbolic to mark my contribution instead, as he couldn't put it into words, like a massive diamond. Let him put his money where his mouth is.

Your career choices were your own. It's very easy when your husband's career impacts your own to imagine you were going to smash those glass ceilings and wear shoulder pads, but if you had really wanted it and were that person, it would have happened. Many women do it, some as lone parents.

Your elderly parents aren't his fault.

HRT and menopause really aren't his fault either.

Your kids have benefitted massively from your contribution at home.

You are just as valuable as him.

We’re retired now and my pension is tiny as I only worked pt to raise dc.
My dh absolutely acknowledges that everything we have is because we were a team. His pension is mine too because I earned it too.

In your circumstances @PlateSpinn I know my dh would thank me as he does regularly in private when we discuss family and past work.

Only you know how your dh views your contribution. Perhaps he needs a bit of a kick. I suggest you put yourself first from now on and get yourself an important ( to you) job or hobby and prioritise it.

Start looking after yourself. Let him do more so that you can get on with your career if that's what you want.