A bit sad I wasn't mentioned individually for supporting DH's career

[PlateSpinn]

So DH has just had a notable promotion and a celebration.
I've been there for 30 years, the student years,the low pay, the working away, the chewing over projects. My career took a terrible hit at multiple times to support him and keep the whole kid and home circus on the road.
He thanked his family several.times, looking at his parents, named a few colleagues and that was it.
I'm beginning to feel a little publicly humiliated and suspecting I might be at the end point of being useful when youngest goes to Uni.

Would you thank a spouse or should I just feel family covers it?
YANBU thank your partner
YABU family covers it.

Any good ideas for 'ducks in a row' worst case, I'm being 'let go' shortly.

That’s funny, because childcare is a full time job and I bet there are a million posts on Mumsnet talking about the challenges of getting shopping and cleaning done. People have made their career off trying to help mainly women keep the house clean. ‘Light life admin’ is paying a couple of bills or posting a letter. This list is full on heavy life. I’m sitting in my living room Sunday morning surrounded by not folded washing, with a toddler who’s just thrown up and been washed up and a 6yo who says his tummy hurts, wondering about updating re the two birthdays and one activity today, but this poster would probably dismiss it as a few minutes of light home tasks

When I see posts like this I feel quite sad in the fact of I’d just speak to my husband immediately about it not stew in my head thinking of scenario after scenario.

The OP has teenagers, and it seems the younger one is quite an old teenager if they are looking at them leaving home. If my 15 year old threw up, he'd be cleaning it up himself! In any case it doesn't matter what anyone on the Internet thinks. The OP's husband doesn't think it ( or she) is that important. It can't be just about one speech. OP needs to decide if she wants to live with someone who allowed her to trash her career rather than help her and then dismissed everything she did.

Yeah tbh I don't think that's a big deal, sorry. Just don't fold the washing?

I think men need reminded of their partners contribution. When you have kids, and the women takes on the mental load and goes part time and their career stalls or takes a break, and the men's career climbs the ladder, they forget that they only managed that because someone else was at home doing all the work. Contribution to a family is not just the financial contribution. So if that was me I would be mentioning that. My Husband got to concentrate on his career because I was at home doing everything. So your contribution to his career matters.

Oh come on! She deserves more of a mention than just being generically included in ‘family’.

YANBU at all. Trust your instincts.

See a shit hot lawyer.

If you can, get copies of statements so you have an accurate picture of family finances.

A bigger question is after what happened and how you feel, do you now feel it’s worth staying married to a man like that? That will drive how you deal with this situation.

Think about what you want now. Your needs are just as valid as his.

I’d just be cringing at the Oscar’s type
speeches for getting a promotion.

So apparently 'family' was supposed to cover me. He was emotional and somehow I should have known. No explanation or thanks were offered up until I brought it up.

The previous bloke to go through this rigmarole, managed to thank his stbxw.

It's been quite a bitter atmosphere here. He thinks I'm wrong to bring it up and that keeps getting in the way of properly thanking me.

I'm trying to look at everything independently. My career adjustments & disappointment, his family, our communication skills, it's just a cluster fuck really.

This happened to my mother-in-law at my wife's brother's wedding reception. He thanked everyone down to the caterers, including his father who had merely turned up from his home in another county, but not his mother who had done loads of work and was sitting right there. It felt so obvious to my wife and myself but he was blithely unaware.

It sounds like classic misogyny. Why should he think to thank you? It’s your job to support him, no consideration needed from him for you just doing your duty as his wife.

Same with @beeflin and his mother. Just taken completely for granted.

@VileNote Good point (your response to my point above)

Absolutely not true. I have a highly successful career, and I certainly don't need a SAHD "enabling" that 😂 It's such rubbish. Women should value themselves on their own achievement, not vicariously trying to pretend that their partner's success is somehow down to them. It categorically is not.

Those of us who are successful do not have, need or want a SAHP.

What would you like to do, OP? What is your gut telling you to do? If you're a reader, read 'Feel the fear and do it anyway' to help you make it a reality 💪

What did he put on his LinkedIn OP?

Oh op I'm sorry! That's so crap. Your husband is a selfish, thoughtless arse. I'm sure it stings like hell to realise that you thought you were pulling together as a team to make a good successful life but in reality you were enabling him to sprint a solo run.

From what you've posted this has, finally, shone a spotlight on the status of your marriage & what it's revealing is not pretty.

I feel for you & I would be equally blindsided by this in your shoes.

@PicturePlace I disagree with you. Both dh & I have highly successful careers in our fields. We have achieved this with each other's support & we've worked ot out that we've both taken a step back at different times from the melee of career building. I took some years at home when dc were tiny while dh forged head. When youngest dc was 6 I went back to work at a very senior level & dh, self employed, was the more flexible parent for school pickups / after school etc

Our youngest is now 18 & in university & both dh & I KNOW that neither of us could have achieved our successes without the other one of us picking up the slack at home at various points. And it meant dc had lots of time with one or the other of us.

OP give yourself time to reflect & decide what you want your life to look like for the future. And then do what's best for you!

Good luck to you & just know that YANBU in this.

I’d be upset too , you’re not unreasonable at all .
I would hope he’s apologetic and understands why you feel like that .
I would begin to put yourself first now , whatever that means for you .
That might mean using family 😉 money to get help to do many of the things you’re currently doing for the family.
Take yourself off on a holiday somewhere, maybe with a good friend.
Or perhaps if you’re not too worn out try to get back to your career if you feel able to .
I need to take my own advice but it might be too outing if I talk about my life in detail, I’m still doing too much for others and very little for myself

I agree @PicturePlace.

@flyingmice @PicturePlace are you saying that there was no need for OPs DH to give thanks to anyone then?

Because you two captain fantastics are so fantastic you would just stand up and say 'It was me' 'I did it' 'I don't need anyone else'.

What a weird way to twist a post about someone's deep seated post about under appreciation.

Of course not. OP’s dh is a twat. I understand how deeply hurt she must be, and it doesn’t matter what he says now really because the damage is done.

I don’t have a sahp, but I have a partner. Who parents while in evening meetings, who starts late when I have an important early meeting. Who picks the kids up every day from school and childcare and starts dinner and I couldn’t do my job as well without that support. My life would be easier if he were sahd, I wouldn’t be so stressed and I’d be more successful at work. That is blindingly obvious to me.

*while I’m in evening meetings

I'm trying to look at everything independently. My career adjustments & disappointment, his family, our communication skills, it's just a cluster fuck really.
I think this is the main cause if your upset. It seems that you gave up on something enjoyable and fulfilling in order to facilitate your husband and feel the 'sacrifice' was a huge mistake. If you only fully left your career last year, could you pick it up again? You need to address the dissppointment you feel in your own decision. Your children are almost grown, so dont need you as much. Ifvthey are teens they need to be taught how to look after themselves andcthe household. if your DH, a grown adult can't make dinner and do his own laundry while you rebuild your career then tough. His achievements aren't that great are they, if he couldn't do them and feed and clothe himself at the same time.

But is this model good for anyone? Usually it's the men who do this ( sometimes using deliberate presenters to avoid doing the school pick ups and even sometimes avoid putting their children to bed, often facilitated by a sahp?) Wouldn't it be better for everyone if employers accepted that all parents ( and others) have responsibilities at home, and should expect to be able to attend some parents evenings or be at home if their child is sick?

Womens work is undervalued OP.