A bit sad I wasn't mentioned individually for supporting DH's career

[PlateSpinn]

So DH has just had a notable promotion and a celebration.
I've been there for 30 years, the student years,the low pay, the working away, the chewing over projects. My career took a terrible hit at multiple times to support him and keep the whole kid and home circus on the road.
He thanked his family several.times, looking at his parents, named a few colleagues and that was it.
I'm beginning to feel a little publicly humiliated and suspecting I might be at the end point of being useful when youngest goes to Uni.

Would you thank a spouse or should I just feel family covers it?
YANBU thank your partner
YABU family covers it.

Any good ideas for 'ducks in a row' worst case, I'm being 'let go' shortly.

@PlateSpinn

What is your fear? Do you think that he's going to trade you in.

Well, yes, he should have. Because he would have had to seek out the relevant people, organise their visits, and pay them adequately for their services, meaning he put value on them.

I feel like this is a bit unfair. In most cases I know with a parent (usually mum but I know a couple of dads) that does vast majority of the house/kids stuff and works part time/sticks with a less demanding job and a parent that’s super career focused it was something they wanted to do. They wanted to have more time with their kids &/or didn’t want them in paid childcare so they took the approach to allow that. Ideally the person who took a step back career wise should appreciate having a partner willing to take on the full financial responsibility and their person going full on at their career should appreciate their partner taking on household & child related admin etc. to make that easier.

@PlateSpinn - Have you managed to speak to him yet? I would have been so upset if that had happened to me.

OP, me and a handful of other posters have mentioned this, so sorry if you've replied and I've missed it: we have a very limited snapshot of your relationship and your DH.

What is he like usually? Is he a thoughtless, unsupportive arsehole or is he a genuinely good guy who made a mistake?

Without this, it's hard to give any meaningful response, or to work out how much of your reaction is down to this being a final insult from a shit husband, or a catlyst for your own career regrets/domestic decisions.

But in this case, the OP didn’t really want to stop working. She did it because she had nothing left to give. Because her dh didn’t support her working at all.

A very different picture than when you chose to be a SAHP.

She didn’t say her husband didn’t support her working, what you on about. She said she gave it up due to the long commute and work stress. And elderly parents and wrangling a teen as a throw in. Clearly he earns enough she can.

its never appealing when one plays the martyr. But quite nauseating to play it on behalf of someone else.

I can't say I wouldn't notice if it was me in your position. Would you say this is tyrical of your DH or unusual?

Have you spoken to him about it yet?

I mean, if you worked, you would BOTH be paying for those things, because they are things you are equally responsible for, not just him, surely?

I think it's unkind that he didn't acknowledge you as a supportive partner. I don't think whether or not you had a job has any bearing on that. Me and my husband are both very supportive of each others' careers, which he would acknowledge, as would I. If one of us chose not to have a job, there's no reason that would make us more supportive.

I feel like this is a bit unfair. In most cases I know with a parent (usually mum but I know a couple of dads) that does vast majority of the house/kids stuff and works part time/sticks with a less demanding job and a parent that’s super career focused it was something they wanted to do. They wanted to have more time with their kids &/or didn’t want them in paid childcare so they took the approach to allow that. Ideally the person who took a step back career wise should appreciate having a partner willing to take on the full financial responsibility and their person going full on at their career should appreciate their partner taking on household & child related admin etc. to make that easier.

I agree with this. One person gets to just not go to work and for their life to be paid for. That's a huge privilege, just deciding not to work and yet to still have someone pay for your home, food, clothes, holidays, etc.

But in this case, the OP didn’t really want to stop working. She did it because she had nothing left to give. Because her dh didn’t support her working at all.

I agree with a PP that this is martyry. The OP could have hired a cleaner (along with her DH) and/or found a job with a shorted commute. Why blame the husband for her decision to stop working? Indeed, she took the decision to suddenly decide to stop bringing any money to the relationship. I would be very, very, very unhappy if my partner did that.

Why not find a cleaner, why not find suitable care, why not find a new job... all of this is really hard to do, expensive, and they are often not available!

But with two jobs in the OPs situation, obviously affordable. As they were able to afford for her to quit work, and a cleaner and after school club are a hell of a lot cheaper than losing an income.

It depends on what her income was and what her commuting costs were. You're also not factoring in the fact that the OP had taken on caring responsibilities for the older generation in the family so was in the unfortunately all too familiar position of many middle-aged people, mostly women, of having to juggle job, childcare, running the home, supporting her partner, supporting elderly relatives and also trying to maintain her own health and sanity in the little time she had left. By her own account, she doesn't have a permanent job. Her work is a succession of short-term contracts. She's just taken a longer break than normal between them on this occasion.

It's also a huge privilege to be able to forge ahead with your career, knowing that someone else is keeping all the other balls in the air - childcare, running the house, shopping, cleaning, cooking, remembering family birthdays etc etc - and all you have to do is get out of the house every day and get on with your job.

Any good ideas for 'ducks in a row' worst case, I'm being 'let go' shortly.

I think this part of your post is significant.

I would be hurt if DH didn't thank me in his speech, but because we are happy together and he is usually a considerate partner I would assume he simply forgot. We would definitely be having a conversation about how it made me feel but it wouldn't occur to me that it was a sign he was going to leave me. I can't help thinking that there must be other issues in the relationship if your mind has gone there, OP.

I’d book a week away, and tell him when he comes home that you were so hurt not to be mentioned when he thanked people for their support for his career, but since you’ve apparently not contributed to it he will be fine parenting solo for a week and if he wants he can get started on the 50/50 parenting and domestic life split that starts when you get back as you are job hunting again. But this time it will be much easier to do your job now you know he can easily pull his weight at home and all that extra you did was just voluntary. I’d add obviously I’m regretting a lot about the last 25 years, but I can only look forward.

Not to mention the pension sacrifice they make...

@Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g Yes, caring for older relatives is really, really difficult, you're right.

It's also a huge privilege to be able to forge ahead with your career, knowing that someone else is keeping all the other balls in the air - childcare, running the house, shopping, cleaning, cooking, remembering family birthdays etc etc - and all you have to do is get out of the house every day and get on with your job.

That's where we differ. I think to compare light life admin to an actual job is ridiculous. Those of us with two successful careers in our households still do all of those things you mention. They absolutely do not require a full time stay at home person 😂 It's light admin that we all manage to do on top of our jobs without even thinking about it.

I wouldn't call tasks like childcare, shopping, cleaning and cooking 'light life admin'.

It is a privilege to get up, just see to yourself and go to work without having to consider anybody else. To never have to take a day off if the children are ill or worry about school holidays and after school care. I had to wait until my children left home for that privilege. The OPs husband doesn't have to think about any of that.

I'd do something like this. If you're that unimportant, let him deal with everything for a bit. Or outsource it.

Then focus on your own life while deciding what to do depending on what he says when you speak to him.

I wouldn't call tasks like childcare, shopping, cleaning and cooking 'light life admin'.

Really? Aside from childcare, the others are the definition of light life admin. Just normal things we all do after a full day in work, fairly easily.

And with childcare, the OP's kids are in school, so not exactly onerous.

The point of this thread is the devaluing of someone.

In your case you believe being devalued could not happen, you have bomb proofed yourself from devaluation by being in full time employment.

I'm afraid devaluation can come to anyone working or not.

In your case if your h valued the nanny, childcare, teachers who spent a great deal of time with your children, but not you, not appreciating what you brought to the marriage, you would be enraged, just as op is.

I've seen many wealthy men do this with high achieving working wives, shag the nanny, the under achieving ow anyone where it not only knocks your confidence but also your beliefs.

If you are being devalued, you are being devalued, no one will feel safe, unless you pre empt it by attacking first and betrayal is an attack.

No matter who and what you do, it is very painful, no matter the circumstances, op has been overlooked, maybe on purpose, maybe not but even that smacks of being taken for granted or neglected.

I should imagine op knows his private devaluing has gone public and that is a major red flag for him checking out of the relationship.
Op you shoud definitely seek advice about your finances, purely as your instincts are kicking in about being discarded.