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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL strikes again

416 replies

againanothernamechange · 10/10/2024 12:53

DP and I have a 10 month old, we live a 40 min drive from his dads house, we have an agreement in place that once a month for childcare reasons his dad and step mum will have GC. we have to drop GC off, he stays overnight and then GP's will drop him back home after work the following day. I admit, this month we've had to ask them to have him on a couple more occasions than usual because of mine the DP's work.

GC is due to go today, he's been off colour all week, and is now full of cold but MIL (its easier to call her that) is questioning if he's well enough for the visit! she says that she had planned for her own DD's child to be there 'for quality time apparently!!' (theres a 6 month difference), but if our son is poorly, she will have to cancel this as its not fair to pass any germs on!!!

I simply can't take time off work, nor can my DP and its just a cold!

AIBU by sending GC or YANBU.. its just a cold and she's being precious about the other GC

OP posts:
RhubarbAndCustardSweets · 10/10/2024 13:48

Massively unreasonable. If you were using a nursery, not only would you not be able to send your child in, you'd still be charged for the privilege. So consider yourself lucky and sort out some parental leave.

mummabubs · 10/10/2024 13:48

With as much politeness as I can muster OP, what on earth do you think the rest of us do?? We've had to juggle countless episodes of care leave/ unpaid leave when our DC's have had common illnesses, including colds. We don't have any local family at all so literally if nursery won't take them or if they're ill the buck stops with us!

It's rubbish, but your child- your responsibility!

ClairDeLaLune · 10/10/2024 13:48

YABU and also very entitled and selfish. MiL is doing you a favour. And in return you don’t care if she and her GC get ill. I can’t believe anyone can be so lacking in self-awareness. Are you sure this isn’t a reverse now OP?

Wishboneswishes · 10/10/2024 13:49

Is she really judging or just talking to you about your DC? You seem pretty sensitive about her.
But her voicing her opinions is one thing, her unwillingness to take your sick child for 24 hours plus is another thing entirely. Take the day off and look after your baby at home. They sound very accommodating to me! You’re very lucky to have them.

HotDogJumpingFrogHaveACookie · 10/10/2024 13:49

MIL strikes again at what? Being entirely reasonable and sensible by not wanting to have someone stay who's not well because she doesn't want the other people in the household to catch it?

Who do you even think you are?!

Conniebygaslight · 10/10/2024 13:49

You sound like a cold hearted cow tbh OP...

ThatMrsM · 10/10/2024 13:51

It may be 'just a cold' but we have had some horrendous colds recently, I don't blame her for not wanting to look after your child. If you're sensitive about her questioning your decisions you really need to stop using her as free childcare.

valentinka31 · 10/10/2024 13:52

againanothernamechange · 10/10/2024 12:53

DP and I have a 10 month old, we live a 40 min drive from his dads house, we have an agreement in place that once a month for childcare reasons his dad and step mum will have GC. we have to drop GC off, he stays overnight and then GP's will drop him back home after work the following day. I admit, this month we've had to ask them to have him on a couple more occasions than usual because of mine the DP's work.

GC is due to go today, he's been off colour all week, and is now full of cold but MIL (its easier to call her that) is questioning if he's well enough for the visit! she says that she had planned for her own DD's child to be there 'for quality time apparently!!' (theres a 6 month difference), but if our son is poorly, she will have to cancel this as its not fair to pass any germs on!!!

I simply can't take time off work, nor can my DP and its just a cold!

AIBU by sending GC or YANBU.. its just a cold and she's being precious about the other GC

They are signed up to look after a well child. He's poorly. It therefore becomes totally at their discretion and what they feel comfortable with. How would you feel if they both got dreadful colds from him?

I'm afraid with a kid you do sometimes have to be off work because of the child's illness. This is one of those times.

And it's not your step MIL being mean/favouritising her DD's child. She possibly partly had that child round to have a nice time and play with your DS. But no, she can't risk that child also getting ill.

In time you will see that actually work takes second place to child in certain situations.

Flugelb1nder · 10/10/2024 13:54

Op - your MIL sounds more than fair to be honest, she looks after your child regularly......you sound in a very privileged position

Danioyellow · 10/10/2024 13:54

Dear lord your whole post smacks of entitlement. ‘They live 40 mins away and WE HAVE TO DROP HIM OFF! The actual audacity of complaining that you have to bring your son to your free childcare instead of them also providing lifts. And we’ve HAD to ask for them to have him more this month, you abso-fucking-lutely didn’t! You could have found suitable childcare like the rest of us, instead of putting even more onto your already helpful in-laws. And btw you sound clueless with your baby weaning which could permanently fuck up your child’s digestive system, and the putting in their own room at a time when they’re susceptible for cot death, so no wonder your mil tried to look out for her grandchild, she clearly cares about his welfare more than you do!

Theonlywayisuptoyou · 10/10/2024 13:56

Addressing your other points I think it’s fair that she has an opinion if she is having to be feeding them on her watch and they are also sleeping there so what you decide to do has an impact at her home as well, if she was visiting you and play with your child for a couple of hours then maybe she wouldn’t feel the need to express an opinion because it didn’t affect her. By the way you call her MIL for simplicity but she is your DP’s step mum so doesn’t have to do any childcare for you at all, take it up with your DP’s father don’t look to blame the woman in this. I think you have massively taken the piss by expecting her to have your child in addition to the regular time she does just cause it suits you, then you want her to have your child when they are not well. If I were her I’d be stopping the childcare altogether because you clearly don’t appreciate it and badmouth her when she doesn’t do exactly what you want.

HaveYouSeenRain · 10/10/2024 13:56

Wow you are ungrateful and entitled. A sick baby needs his parents not a sleepover with his GPs. Take a day off, this happens when you have kids.

weaning at 4 months is not recommended unless very specific medical issues.

your poor MIL providing free childcare and trying to be helpful.

ManchesterLu · 10/10/2024 13:57

You have to look after your child when he's not well. It's not fair to expose other people to germs when you don't need to, nor is it fair on the baby to drag them somewhere else when they should be snuggled up warm at home.

TemuSpecialBuy · 10/10/2024 13:57

Cheeseandcrackers40 · 10/10/2024 13:32

You are unbelievably lucky to have PIL that offer regular overnight childcare. Such an unfair thread title for your poor MIL!! YABVU

Agreed.

I have help too and basically accept

A. Its on their terms oe when they fancy it
B. On their time, it's their rules snacks clothes etc.,*
C.they will have opnions on how you parent

  • only exception to this is if it's dangerous

Your expectations are too high frankly.

CurbsideProphet · 10/10/2024 13:57

If you use family / inlaws for regular childcare you are giving an opportunity comments on your parenting. My siblings have found this with our own parents.

bloomingbonkerz · 10/10/2024 13:58

you are being unreasonable I know it’s frustrating when you need to take time off work but unfortunately no one wants a crabby unwell child even a grandchild how old are they could they be regretting the decision to have him overnight ?
is he hard work this age is a tough age separation anxiety teething and all the other lovely bugs/germs that come with this age
does he attend nursery? If not maybe that could be an option
hope little one is feeling better soon

Coconutter24 · 10/10/2024 13:58

againanothernamechange · 10/10/2024 13:36

she has said that if we are really stuck, she will re-organise the play date with the other GC.

i just feel constantly judged by her! every decision i make about my baby and she has an opinion. I started him on solids at 4 months, and she questioned this, We've put him in his own room, she's questioned this!

Read your first post and thought YABU read this next comment and YABVU! MIL is still offering to have your child when he’s not well so why are you complaining. I don’t understand the ‘MIL strikes again’ comment, they look after your child every month and extra this month, she hasn’t said to cancel grandchild coming so you won’t be affected so where is the issue? She’s asked you if he’s well enough to go that’s a normal question.
Solids are not advised before 6 months which is probably why she had questions.
They are doing you a massive favour by doing childcare but you need to remember you’re not entitled to it, they choose to do it because they want to.

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/10/2024 13:58

Sorry, but you are taking the piss here. Give your head a wobble, either you or your husband take time off to care for your sick baby (even 'just' a cold is a big deal to a baby and makes them feel miserable), thank her for her concern and give the woman some damned respect, because she absolutely deserves it.

AgainandagainandagainSS · 10/10/2024 13:58

I think before you (or anyone) forms an agreement RE childcare with grandparents you have to be crystal clear on what the agreement is if the child is ill.
My kids go/went to nursery and yes, if they were too unwell to go my mum cared for them sometimes depending on the illness. If it required a GP appointment or was very worrying, of course we took time off but we simply couldn’t every time one or the other was ill (but not that ill). But that was our mutual agreement that we were all happy with. And sadly you are finding that your MIL ‘policy’ is different and unfortunately that is her choice…

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 10/10/2024 13:59

Your child should be more important than you having to go to work when they're Ill. It's your job to look after him.

YourMommaWasASnowblower · 10/10/2024 13:59

againanothernamechange · 10/10/2024 13:36

she has said that if we are really stuck, she will re-organise the play date with the other GC.

i just feel constantly judged by her! every decision i make about my baby and she has an opinion. I started him on solids at 4 months, and she questioned this, We've put him in his own room, she's questioned this!

But she’s right with everything she has questioned you about. Your health visitor would have questioned the same things.

Alondra · 10/10/2024 14:00

Sorry OP but you are in the wrong. If your child has a cold, he stays home with either parent. Saying you can't take time off work is refusing to accept the primary responsibility you both have as parents.

If you feel questioned by your MIL, it's even more reason to find alternative childcare options. You can't expect them to look after your sick child and then criticise her because you feel questioned as a parent.

harriethoyle · 10/10/2024 14:00

I'd be careful if I were you - you might find your at least monthly (but by the sound of it more) overnight childcare comes to a screeching halt if you continue like this...

WhimsicalGubbins76 · 10/10/2024 14:02

Seriously? Are you really asking this? 🤣 of course you’re being unreasonable! You seem to want to revert to type and paint her as the “wicked” stepmother just because she’s not his real mum. It’s awful of you to send your child and stop her from seeing her daughter’s child! How self serving do you have to be to shove your unwell child into the responsibility of someone else and just pass his germs around. The reality of being a parent of young kids is you have to take time off work to look after them! If he was in nursery they’d refuse him until he’s well.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 10/10/2024 14:02

Striking again? Poor woman. Something she offers out of love and a wish to help is being treated as an obligation.