If you have 4 kids is it a shit show?.. honestly

[Mrsisolated]

I currently have 3 kids 8 6 and 2. I am Feeling so broody it’s pathetic. One of the girls announced her pregnancy at work today and I just felt gutted that i will never experience bringing a baby into this world again. DH says no as we will need a bigger house and car and holidays will be too expensive and life will be extremely stressful. I am sure he is probably right but I just feel like I can’t accept that.

I loved growing up with three sisters, we had a lot of fun and I can't imagine life without the youngest one. I got on better with my younger sisters than I did with my older sister (even though I'm much closer in age to her). I do remember my mum being stressed and angry a lot of the time though. I think four children was way too much for her.

I fucking hope it's not too bad as I'm due my 4th in March 😲

😂 I come from a family of 8, my husband a family of 5, and some of our best friends are all families of 4+. I’ve never encountered a person who grew up in a large family and hated it, so frankly those comments are like being worried about dying in a plane accident.

also, save your snark for someone else safetyfreak

Op it’s like asking everyone if they like bananas. Some love them, some hate them, and some enjoy them. Some people don’t have the tempermant for a large family, and some use their own anecdotal evidence or others as a reason why you wouldn’t love yours. I’m not arguing for or against, my point is only you and your husband can know. There are some real Debbie downers here, and I’ve noticed that in general on MN, especially in regards to larger families or anything considered different.

This. One of the main reasons I don't want any children!

4 kids here! 2 girls first then 2 boys. All neirodivergent and the boys more than the girls!! The youngest attends a soecialist school but all of my kids are high functioning. I have worked full time as a teacher throughout their lives.
It's hard,I am tired but I wouldn't change it!! We had a big gap between the kids.
Oldest is now 25, then 23 , 19 and 12 yrs. I juggled clubs and the costs of teenagers. My kids all went to full time nursery and started school full time from day 1 as I informed their school that we didn't do part time as the kids had always been at nursery! The school didn't complain and even allowed us to use breakfast club and after school club from the get go.
No regrets but you do need to be able to multi task and be organised!!

No, as I said we each do longer days and school-hour days around each other so that on every day, one of us will finish at 3 (and one day I don't work).

But with two children, that's already four late afternoons/evenings accounted for (and that's just Beavers/Cubs and school-run ukulele - nothing extravagant yet, though other things are on the cards). That's without all of the other stuff - homework, reading, playdates, 1:1 time.

There just wouldn't be the time to commit to much for many more children; there would be too many clashes.

I’ve got 5. Last pregnancy was unexpected and we had twins. It’s chaos every single day 🤣 life is full on and it’s non stop. I look forward to my retirement when I hope my 5 kids will run around after me like I do for them now. I wouldn’t change it but it certainly changed our life forever in a way we could never have imagined.

The only reason we didn’t have 3 is because of money ..
now my boys have left home … it’s boring at times I miss
them and all it we have grandsons ans it’s amazing .. the only thing I regret is that I didn’t once more for a girl …if I could go back I would … we have to wonderful boys and 3 grandsons and one we’ve gained … all
boys and I am besotted with them all and if a another boy I’d feel the same

I’m the eldest of four. I didn’t have a typical experience because I took over the household and raising them from when I was about 15, so it wasn’t the easiest, but there are lots of positives, especially for the younger ones. We all went to the same schools that were all in very close proximity to each other, so there was never any concerns about schools not dealing with bullying properly because I took care of it at source. Problem solved. They always had someone to play with or walk to school with, or help with homework. All the kids on our estate used to come from the same size or larger families so the older ones always looked out for the younger ones. They could go out from dawn til dusk and there would always be someone looking out for them. Loneliness and boredom were alien concepts. Christmas was always fun. You learn to share early, but you also learn to grab stuff quickly before anyone else comes along and takes the lot. You learn to fight. I have never fought with anyone like I have fought with my siblings. But God help anyone else who tried their luck with them. The loyalty was like nothing else, even if we hated each other.

The negative points were lack of privacy and peace & quiet. It just didn’t exist. You could never just shut yourself away and have total quiet, and I value that so so much now. Nothing was sacred. It didn’t matter if it was a toy or clothes or make up, it was all communal property, whether you liked it or not.

Having four massively increases the risk of ending up a single parent. A lot of dads cant cope with that many kids and take off. Sad but true. Especially since he's already said he doesn't want another one. I'm not saying you'd go against that and have one anyway but if you did (or managed to convince him to have another) you'd be at risk of ending up as a single mother to four.

After my 4th child I was I was unsure if I wanted any more, I went on to have a 5th, as soon as he was born I knew I didn't want anymore, now all adults they have an incredible bond and regularly socialise together.

We have 4 and it’s great. We found going from 2-3 much harder than 3-4. The only downside was having to buy a larger car. They’re now teenagers and I love it. At times it’s chaos but then it also is at family/friends houses with two. A lot of time I think it was/is easier as they entertain each other and look out for each other and they’ve certainly learnt how to negotiate and compromise. Wouldn’t change it for the world.

I had four under six, and a husband who worked away for weeks on end. This happened after I had the last one, or I wouldn't have had four...

Anyway, you need to be absolutely and totally organised. I had no help at all, as our families lived away, so we just had to get on with it. My DH, when at home, was hands on from the minute he walked through the door so that helped, but I still remember being absolutely furious at the fact my youngest ended up falling asleep in the car whilst we picked up my eldest from Cubs. It was only one night a week, for a school year, but it was nearly the straw that broke the camel's back.

However, they're all grown up now and there's never been any moaning about not being able to do anything, and they've never said they missed out on anything by being a large family.

I'd do it again in a heartbeat, I absolutely loved having four of them all running around and miss it.

How do you do it? I have a 2yr old and I'm so exhausted. I have an 8yo too and I feel I don't give them enough attention. How do you manage 3 let alone others with 4? Genuine question

Fair post. The reality is that no family is perfect. Kids will all have their own opinion on their family they grew up in, and those opinions may vary widely. Then there's personality - some people are just glass half empty people. There will be those who complain about being from a large family, those who complain about being an only child or one of only two. There will be those who think the same is great. Some parents are more capable than others of managing one or many kids. Some struggle to meet the needs of one, some can manage to meet the needs of many, and vice versa.

I was one of just two and that helped me decide to have more than that.

Same. I’m the youngest of five. I had the most amazing childhood and am super close to all my siblings now.

But. I have two. And won’t have more.

I hope that I don't neglect my 4. I work super hard to earn enough money that they don't lose out be being one of 4. They have their own rooms. Any extracurriculars they like, holidays every year and lots of treats at Christmas. I also spend lots of time with them and I'm interested in them and I talk to them individually lots. After reading this thread,(and starting to worry that no matter how hard I tried to give them a wonderful childhood, it was all doomed!) I asked them what it was like being one of four and if they liked it...

They all initially responded that they didn't know any different so how would they know? On closer pressing:

DC4 (7 years) chirpily stated it had definitely made his life better having his 'siberlings' (he is rather adored by all of them, so this makes sense)
DC3 (10 years) said it looked like it was expensive and quite alot of effort so he would probably stick at 2.... But if kids were free he would totally have 4
DC2 (13 years) said that there's 'alot of them and they are smelly'. She is the only girl. She did say if I was planning another she wouldn't mind as long as it was a sister. I assured her I was not.
Dc1 (15 years) suggested we get rid of DC3 because he is annoying (DC1 and 3 have the most tricky relationship that requires the most mediation!)

All in all, I suspect that 2-3 is probably optimum for the children tbh but as adults who are living our lives for us, not just our children, we get the choice to have more or less than that. However, you can't choose to have 4 and then complain that it's hard and busy..... That's the choice you made. And as much as possible, the children shouldn't lose too much from being in a larger family.

You just do. Housework when they're asleep during the day, or them helping you dust, ironing when they've gone to bed, we even painted the hall, stairs and landing when I was pregnant with our fourth, then did other rooms when he was born. I would say I was always, always on the go, but I was never shattered, none of them slept till they were two, so broken sleep didn't exactly help!

I stopped at four because I felt my eldest wasn't getting the attention he deserved, and my DH was working away a lot. Otherwise I'd have had more.

None of my children ran around doing things for their brothers either, apart from the eldest occasionally taking one of his brothers to the toilet for me. I didn't think it was their duty to look after their brothers.

My 4 are all adults now but the parenting never ends. Tbh if they never needed me for anything I'd probably feel a little lost. I won't say it was easy, not fitting in a regular car, not being able to afford holidays, and new uniforms etc for school was tough, but I wouldn't have changed a minute of it. I love the fact that if 2 argue, they've each got a separate sibling to rant to, and boy can those 4 argue lol. Having said that, if anyone of them need support they'll always have their own little tribe they can turn to.

4 is the best number to have imo!! We have 5 (all adult now) when we had 4, they were a little team. I remember most Saturdays if we were all in the house, they'd spend all day writing a little play, making tickets and by tea time it would be ready for DH and me to watch!

Christmas was amazing with so many toys and games; so much fun.

By the time the 5th was born, they split to 2 groups because eldest dd was 14 by then.

It's lovely now they are all grown up. Fucking expensive and exhausting getting them there. No regrets.

I have 4 but circumstances mean life hasn't been as expected. In hindsight though, 4 on my own is probably a lot easier than it would've been if my "d"h hadn't buggered off during my last pregnancy 8 years ago.

I do have a reasonable age gap between the first 2 and last 2 though (they are 21, 17, 9 & 8) but it is honestly a struggle and you never know how life will pan out.

We're in a lovely phase ATM, they're all lovely bit that could change tomorrow.

Looking back, I'd only have had 3 but couldn't possibly pick which one I'd return now!

I think 3 is a lovely number, enjoy what the future brings as every stage is different and new with kids.

Yes it's mental my life has changed significantly. I have a 22 19 and 17 then a 14 year gap and a 3 year old. Life is manic again she's brilliant clever funny but extremely hard work and tbh I wasn't prepared for how different she could be, the older 3 are a lot more chilled. I'm exhausted 24/7 my house is a constant mess I work full time in a very stressful job. Before little one was born I had 4 nights a week in the gym nights out etc friends a clean house! and I've lost all of that because I have no help my husband works long hours and was away for a year and it's made our marriage very difficult, at times I don't want to be with him from being madly in love it's put a major strain on the relationship. The teens are a handful with their own problems. So as much as I adore them I've completely lost myself and it's been really hard. My 22 is at uni and the others are unreliable will help occasionally. My mum is older and not in good health and my family have all but gone away since covid it seems to have put the final nail in. The good is how much we all love her how much fun she is and she's so beautiful and clever I hope life will get a little easier again in time. Everyone is different as is every baby maybe you'll find it easy but I certainly don't ! But yours are closer in age perhaps my gap is too big. But I'd never ever change it I love her more than anything. I've been through a lot in the past 5 years other life issues so maybe I did it at the wrong time x just really think it through my older ones slept through this madam never has up every hour in first year now still gets up 3/7 nights I'd say and gets in bed kicking me while she sleeps. 😩🤣