Page 3 | If you have 4 kids is it a shit show?.. honestly

Mrsisolated · 2024-10-09T20:28:58+00:00

I currently have 3 kids 8 6 and 2. I am Feeling so broody it’s pathetic. One of the girls announced her pregnancy at work today and I just felt gutted that i will never experience bringing a baby into this world again. DH says no as we will need a bigger house and car and holidays will be too expensive and life will be extremely stressful. I am sure he is probably right but I just feel like I can’t accept that.

Dramatic · 09/10/2024 23:19

YoucancallmeBettyDraper · 09/10/2024 22:30

Unfortunately I don’t know anyone as an adult who is from a big family who doesn’t feel it harmed them in some way (they would never say this to their parents and would say if asked they had a blast). The biggest factors being lack of attention, or having to do childcare when they should have been having a childhood.
I am sure these happy big families are out there, but I think you have to be an incredibly engaged, unusually emotionally intelligent parent to make it work.

I know people like this too and made it my mission that I'd never put childcare on to my older ones (unless they actively asked to do it) so the older ones have never done stuff like making bottles, changing nappies or bathing toddlers etc. It's not their responsibility and I would never put it on them. My eldest sometimes asks if she can take my youngest out for the day and they both love that time together and I think it's because it's naturally occured rather than the responsibility being shoved on her from a young age. All the kids have such a lovely bond with each other that I genuinely can't imagine them saying they'd prefer not to have each other.

lucozadeOrange · 09/10/2024 23:20

yes it is but i’m a lone parent so completely different situation! i often wish i only had one child though wouldn’t say it out loud of course

Scutterbug · 09/10/2024 23:23

My four are in their twenties now but I loved it! Organised chaos is how I would describe our life.

DyslexicPoster · 09/10/2024 23:26

It can be. Right now our eldest has decided to pull out of uni. Juggling is OK, until some throws in a bowling ball.

Normally everything is fine and lovely. But if there is a crisis things do go to shit for a few days.

ImplodingLoading · 09/10/2024 23:32

I have three, 11, 8 and 3... it's already a shit show!
To be fair, eldest is awaiting ASD and ADHD diagnosis, middle ADHD, youngest is a menace. None of mine have ever slept until school age.
I'm also awaiting my own ASD and ADHD diagnosis... so had we all been NT, then maybe 4 would be OK...

Eenameenadeeka · 10/10/2024 00:40

4 definitely has felt like a lot more than 3 to me. Its just a lot harder bringing 2 little ones along to the older siblings activities than it was with one little one (they go in different directions) I have a 1 year old, 3 year old and 2 who are school age. Love them all and they all love each other but definitely keeps me very busy because Ive met people who say that "oh my sister has 4 and she never goes out" and I don't want that for my kids, they have their activities and it's my job to make it happen. 4 is also the number where people look at you like you're a bit crazy haha.

LoveTheRainAndSun · 10/10/2024 00:43

I never felt it was a shit show. I found four a bit easier than three, in a way. Something about the even number and the eldest being just a bit older and more independent (I had four in 8 years).

HeadphonesHarriet · 10/10/2024 00:46

@YoucancallmeBettyDraper exactly - well said!

LoveTheRainAndSun · 10/10/2024 00:48

TheTwirlyPoos · 09/10/2024 22:14

That's exactly the same as me with regards to number three for us. We had five birthday parties in one weekend a few weeks ago and I just thought 'how on earth'

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I don't remember it ever being a problem. You can drop one, then drop the next, home to do something towards tea, pick one up, etc. I never had a support system but somehow it worked out.

elledee412 · 10/10/2024 01:09

I’m the oldest child of 4 and I firmly believe it’s too many kids. I love my siblings, but it was so chaotic growing up and my parents never had enough time or money and they were always arguing, which they couldn’t hide because our house was far too small for the number of people in it.

I’ll likely only have one child myself, and two of my siblings say two is their max (the fourth wants 3).

Itssodark · 10/10/2024 01:50

tangoboxing · 09/10/2024 22:17

Multiple children simultaneously at university with minimum loan eligibility is not for the faint hearted. I’ve had finals, A levels & GCSEs coincide. They’ve been expected to work through gap years and university (we would have encouraged that regardless of number of children).

I work about 24 hours a week now (much less when the children were younger) dh does about 50 but we’ve always been in the position to be flexible with hours & location. We chose to live somewhere with plenty of amenities - rural is a nightmare with teens. The children all have/had several activities (county level sports, music, art, cadets, drama) so I’ve spend an awful lot of time (1-2 activities each night plus full day at the weekend) transporting them places but at least it’s all fairly close & we’ve got a timetable that nearly always works.

The time & financial pressure undoubtedly increase into the teens - I’m quite nostalgic about the primary school/toddler/baby stage.

They sometimes chose to do things together which helps!

(we’re both from bigger than average families - our siblings have gone one way or the other - no kids or 3/4/5)

Wow, that's impressive! Did u work when they were toddlers? Do you have support from relatives or neighbours?

EconomyClassRockstar · 10/10/2024 01:58

I think you're good! By the time the baby would be born, the kids would be 9, 7 and 3. Mine were all under 7 and 3 of them were born within 2.8 years of each other and I do remember the day I sat in the laundry room and cried my eyes out as I couldn't cope. But that one (or two or maybe 20) days were absolutely nothing compared to how great it is to have 4 kids!

Firefly1987 · 10/10/2024 02:06

Having four kids must be terrible for the planet. Interesting day to decide you want another one when man made climate change from the sheer number of humans is currently causing one of the worst hurricanes on record.

LoveTheRainAndSun · 10/10/2024 02:09

elledee412 · 10/10/2024 01:09

I’m the oldest child of 4 and I firmly believe it’s too many kids. I love my siblings, but it was so chaotic growing up and my parents never had enough time or money and they were always arguing, which they couldn’t hide because our house was far too small for the number of people in it.

I’ll likely only have one child myself, and two of my siblings say two is their max (the fourth wants 3).

Your parents may have had more children than they can manage, but some may manage better than others.

LoveTheRainAndSun · 10/10/2024 02:10

Firefly1987 · 10/10/2024 02:06

Having four kids must be terrible for the planet. Interesting day to decide you want another one when man made climate change from the sheer number of humans is currently causing one of the worst hurricanes on record.

Yes, there were never hurricanes in the centuries before. 🤔

Firefly1987 · 10/10/2024 02:18

@LoveTheRainAndSun not to this intensity so often no. Plus there would've been fewer people living in it's path in years gone by.

LoveTheRainAndSun · 10/10/2024 02:23

Firefly1987 · 10/10/2024 02:18

@LoveTheRainAndSun not to this intensity so often no. Plus there would've been fewer people living in it's path in years gone by.

I don't believe they have increased in number (maybe in certain areas) but somewhat in intensity. I'm no expert though. That won't be influencing the number of children I plan to have though.

People complain they were only children, people complain they came from larger families. Nothing is perfect so people will always find something to moan about.

Proudestmumofone1 · 10/10/2024 02:26

Random thought OP but would you consider being a surrogate if the birth / pregnancy experience felt so special for you?

I am so lucky to have had my 1 DD through surrogacy. Fully our embryo - doesn’t necessarily mean your egg (although sometimes the case) so less to consider in terms of genetic attachment etc.

Of course I’ve had to massively change my expectations of having a large family to being unbelievably grateful for one DD….. being a surrogate can literally make a family’s dream come true.

Genuinely every single day think how grateful I am for our surrogate and the miracle of being a mum (whilst tearing my hair out at a difficult toddler!). I get teary just thinking about what they have done for us….

VoodooQualities · 10/10/2024 02:34

My husband is one of four and I can clearly see that the four siblings have a wonderful bond. He described it to me as being like a gang, always looking out for each other. They shared bedrooms for most of their lives until they left home, shared toys, wore hand me down clothes, always had someone to confide in and socialised with each others friends. His first girlfriend was his sister's best friend.

My brother and I aren't that close. We had our own bedrooms and lives, our own toys and books and our friendship groups were different. I did once snog his best friend though (but he doesn't know that!) We went our separate ways when grown up, seeing each other at Christmas and weddings and what have you.

That's all I have to say, it's probably not the same for everybody.

Firefly1987 · 10/10/2024 02:46

LoveTheRainAndSun · 10/10/2024 02:23

I don't believe they have increased in number (maybe in certain areas) but somewhat in intensity. I'm no expert though. That won't be influencing the number of children I plan to have though.

People complain they were only children, people complain they came from larger families. Nothing is perfect so people will always find something to moan about.

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I know it won't influence the number of children you have, it's them that will have to deal with the effects of climate change though. Maybe you'll care when you start to see that happen, or maybe not.

LoveTheRainAndSun · 10/10/2024 02:47

Firefly1987 · 10/10/2024 02:46

I know it won't influence the number of children you have, it's them that will have to deal with the effects of climate change though. Maybe you'll care when you start to see that happen, or maybe not.

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No, because I think it's going to happen anyway.

Ihadenough22 · 10/10/2024 03:32

Your husband is right about not having a 4th child. I know a lady who had her 4 child 6 years ago here in Ireland. Her other children were 6, 8 and 10. She is a sham.

Since then various things have happened in the family. They had to buy a 7 seater when she had the 4th child. Then one of her children went through a bad time and it was hard for her to give them time one to one time.

The older 2 children are now in secondary school and the amount of money for clothes, school uniforms, shoes, runners and sports gear is high. The next child will be starting secondary school in 2 year time and her youngest is in school.
The amount of money she is spending on food each week is eye watering.
Along with this the 3 older kids are doing sports and some evenings or days the 3 of them are in different places.
Her older children are due to leave school in 4 to 8 years time. It looks like she could have 2 children in college at the same time.
Her husband works long hours at times and a lot is falling on her.

Along with this she will have to go back into employment to help her kids out financially to attend college and she has been out of the workforce for since her 1st child was born.

I would say to any woman it not just the small baby stage but you have to think 10, 15 and 18 years time and the costs as the kids get older. Then you need to consider the children you already have. You like to be in a position to help you kids out during university ect.

Sauvblonk · 10/10/2024 03:59

I have 2 and it's a total shitshow. Both boys, very high energy so every day is a challenge!

NewbornMum243 · 10/10/2024 04:32

DH is one of 4. He loves his siblings and they all get along well but growing up was chaos. And the youngest got very little attention, as the parents were just too busy.

stayathomer · 10/10/2024 04:43

namechangetheworld · Yesterday 21:46
Parents of multiple children are always going to defend their position and argue that it's 'chaotic but happy' but you might be better off asking people who have actually grown up in a house like that.
That depends on personality though, some only children will have loved it, some hated it, same with every other family type. Myself and dh both had four in the family growing up and we both loved it. (Not making a case for or against!)