If you have 4 kids is it a shit show?.. honestly

[Mrsisolated]

I currently have 3 kids 8 6 and 2. I am Feeling so broody it’s pathetic. One of the girls announced her pregnancy at work today and I just felt gutted that i will never experience bringing a baby into this world again. DH says no as we will need a bigger house and car and holidays will be too expensive and life will be extremely stressful. I am sure he is probably right but I just feel like I can’t accept that.

A friend of mine felt like this but DH didn't want anymore children.

She became a surrogate.

My Goddaughter also became a surrogate and had 3 children, she is in contact with them all

I think these things are parenting personality issues rather than size of family issues. I am one of two and my mother was emotionally neglectful. It made sure I was quite different with my own.

I am one of four! I didn’t have a crap childhood but in hindsight didn’t get full attention and looked after my siblings a lots (which has made me feel irritated as I got older). I used to be so embarrassed on holiday or days out that it looked like we were on a school trip - haha! My parents aren’t skint (not rich) and we all went to uni (when uni was way cheaper though) and had a mixture of uk and abroad holidays and did activities/clubs for example so lived a nice life in that respect. However chaotic house constantly - super tricky when a teenager and wanting private alone time and time to revise etc. I struggled with that. We would miss out on some things and I hated it when my mum would say ‘well there is four of you’ like that was the life we chose (so please don’t ever say these exact words).

I do live my siblings and would have preferred to have them than be an only child - but again I don’t know any other life. It is nice now we are grown ups having them all. Even as adults we fall out and it’s actually nice to know at least one will usually have you back.

i have three (didn’t mean to), and often wish I had two as a nice round 2.4 children number does seem to make life easier and cheaper for my friends with two.

There is currently a thread with a lady asking whether to have a third with some great insight into expenses of teens and young adults (uni/driving/clothing etc etc), which would be a good read for you OP.

No, it wasn't a shit show, but it was bloody hard work to keep everything and everyone organised. Mine were quite close in age (2 year gaps, more or less). DH worked very long hours and we had no family on tap to help. I also worked P/T (from home, very short hours) from when the youngest was about 18 months, so time was tight.

Adolescence brought different pressures, and now that they are adults we spend quite a lot of time keeping up with them all.

Would I do it again? Quite probably.

Sometimes doesn’t work that way though, if the woman wants a baby often she gets the baby…. Either through sulking until the husband gives in, or by refusing to take birth control and refusing condoms. Yes I know the husband could then refuse to have sex.

Being one of four certainly was.

For those mothers saying it was a breeze having four teens are probably not meeting those children’s needs, unless they have multiple levels of daily hired help and even then it would be a stretch.
Having the time, resources and emotional capacity to truly parent teens really is not a walk in the park.

Those teens will have the same issues they all face, but they will have learnt not to bother their parents as they are just too busy.

The expense alone is crippling. And yes of course they can get the night bus at midnight and learn to fend for themselves, but you may not be comfortable with the risk involved and the worry.

You simply don’t have time to sweat the small stuff, but sometimes it’s the small stuff that matters.

Big families are great, and most parents wouldn’t change a thing, they love their children deeply and massively enjoyed having them. I know I have!

I know too many mothers of 4/5 kids that have totally burnt out overnight after running on empty, on anti depressants and living with that kind of pressure puts a big strain on marriages as well. Ofc it is off set by lots of benefits too, but honestly as lovely as having teenagers and young adults can be, it is not worry free.

It’s up to you op, it is just hormones and it will pass. I know mine did eventually!!

as pp said, if your DH doesn't want one everything else is irrelevant. Think about uni fees which are only going to get more expensive!

That's a huge assumption. Many women who choose to have large families keep it simple by making the family their chief occupation. They are focused on nothing but their family's needs. It would be hard if you were juggling more than a token amount of employment and focused on lots of external things. Otherwise, it's really not that hard when your family is your vocation.

(I don't necessarily think this intense focus on meeting family needs is overall the best thing for mothers overall, even if it's great for their kids, because it's usually at the expense of the mothers).

Yes it is. My mental health is shot to pieces. It was the worst pregnancy by far too. I am stretched so thin and whoever said they just slot in, lied

Nope, have 8 and 6 year olds and this is exactly how I feel!

I work four days a week, so perhaps SAHPs have more time to do all of the life admin, but as you say, as well as the 'mental load', you still have all of the things that require your physical presence, eg the actual ferrying them around to clubs, playdates, helping them with homework, actually being there for them 1:1.

In my personal opinion, after two DC, the disadvantages to both the parents and other DC start to heavily outweigh any advantages - there's less money, less experiences, less time, less emotional headspace.

Unless you're not working four days a week. Then you do have the time. Of course you can't be taking them to activities if you're in the office. So choices have to be made. We all choose what works for us.

Having gone back and read all the comments, I feel sad that someone said the oldest usually looks after the others. That's definitely not the case here, he is ten and I wouldn't dream of letting him bath the youngest (who is nearly 3). Nor would I make it his responsibility to ever watch them.
They have their own hobbies - hockey, dance, girls Brigade. I don't drive so everyone has to come along for drop off. And back for pick up.
Me and my partner both work but we do shift work so he gets home just as I leave.
We can only afford caravan holidays (hoping to get abroad in 2026 if our money situation gets better 🙏)
If I had my time again, I would seriously stop at two. The third child was 3 when the baby came along, it was a shock to the system having to restart nappies and bottles and sleepless nights again, it really rocked me as I didn't expect it to be so hard

When my 3 were little (3 under 4 1/2) it was indeed a galactic show of effluent. Can't imagine it's any better with 4, although your gap is more sensible so who knows.

My mother is from a large family and they are a good example of how perspectives can vary so much and how memory isn't reliable. My mother remembers she did all the housework and her alone. Her sister also remembers how she (the sister) did all the housework alone and my mother didn't. My mother tells us how close the family is. Her other sister says that's not at all true. Some people will be bitter no matter what others did for them. Others will think everything was great.

Well, actually, my DH and I work longer/shorter days around each other so one of us is always available after school.

But with more DC, even as a SAHP, you still have limited time and money to help them all pursue hobbies. Time is finite; it's obviously going to be spread thinner the more DC you have.

I had 3 under 5, and had a strong urge for a 4th for a while. Now they are older teenagers, I'm glad I didn't - I'm sure it would've worked out somehow, but even with 3 it's been challenging with supporting with homework, sports, dance and then exams and onwards whilst retaining a sense of my own self.

Sorry but do what all over again?

Watch them go off to infant school all over again?
Watch them go to secondary?
Watch their first matches and performances?
Watch them get their first degree or first proper job?
Be there at their housewarming?
Be there to hold the first grand baby?

What first moment do you wish to do all over again?

None of these precious moments above? Cos they lie ahead of you right?

You specifically want the Labour and infant feeding and infant cuddles again? Is that tiny specific reason trumping all else?

Focus on the marvels and wonders that lie ahead of you. Think of the many "first times" ahead of you. Count your blessings.

4 here.
Busy, expensive always somewhere to be, something to remember, clubs , activities, school things. Constant emails from each of their schools / colleges of stuff to remember.
3 was much easier I'm afraid to say

Then there's no reason you wouldn't be able to take a bunch of children to a range of activities. Unless your available after school time is actually working from home rather than focused on the children.

I've got 3 siblings. Growing up I felt left out as we weren't treated as individuals, we were referred to as "the kids" and "they're making a mess/noise". My older and younger sister joined forces to bully me and I was expected to buddy up with my brother, who showed early signs of the misogynist he now is, so I was very much left alone. Add to that my younger sister was the golden child... I did not have a very happy childhood.

I chose to have just one child so she could have a voice and be treated as the individual she is.

Not a shit show but we never had much money and I do feel my kids missed out on some experiences that would have been very affordable/attainable had we only had 2.

I am one of 4. You couldn’t have paid me to have had 4.

Someone I know has five under 7yrs, pregnant with number six, is a single mum and living in a two bedroom house 🤷‍♀️

I have 4 children, and it’s not easy.
My children are happy. Things aren’t perfect but they’re definitely not living the miserable empty lives that some people think all children in big families do and some children indeed do.

Depends on the parents and other factors.