If you have 4 kids is it a shit show?.. honestly

[Mrsisolated]

I currently have 3 kids 8 6 and 2. I am Feeling so broody it’s pathetic. One of the girls announced her pregnancy at work today and I just felt gutted that i will never experience bringing a baby into this world again. DH says no as we will need a bigger house and car and holidays will be too expensive and life will be extremely stressful. I am sure he is probably right but I just feel like I can’t accept that.

I just wonder how you'd support them through school and hobbies. I have two and already there's a huge amount of life admin. There's the homework and clubs. How do you fit in say child As swim class, child Bs dancing Cs football etc .. unless you have say your mum round the corner or encourage them all to pursue hobbies just at home. Then surely one of them is always ill, well it feels like everyone's ill at the moment.

am I missing something as someone whose at my limit with two?

I had 3 under 3 and the eldest is just about to turn 6, youngest is 3. I Would have absolutely loved a 4th and we talk about it often BUT I know I’m at my limit now. Everyday is chaos and it only seems to be getting worse as they get older rather than better.
he would love another but it takes 2 to parent and I just can’t do it again so it’s really not fair on anyone to do it again.

DH says no as we will need a bigger house and car and holidays will be too expensive and life will be extremely stressful. I am sure he is probably right but I just feel like I can’t accept that.

He is right.

Your DC are pre school or primary aged. Teenagers are so much more stressfull and expensive.
Teenagers need you so much more on an emotional level. You can't just kiss a bullied child better.
Do you really want the stress of GCSEs x 4, A levels x 4, UCAS x 4? The expense of support through university x 4?

What would a fourth child bring that the children you already have don't? ould just having one more scratch the itch or would you want a fifth?

Do you work?

I have four. Yes it’s chaos. I grew up in a big family and absolutely loved it though.
Having said that, they once all caught norovirus at the same time. I seriously questioned my life choices for those few days I can tell you.

I have 5, not a shit show at all but I am a SAHM which I think makes a huge difference. There is also a bit of a bigger age gap than you would have (12 years between oldest and youngest) I love it, it's busy but I make sure they all have time with me, we do things each one of them likes and I don't feel like I'm spreading myself too thin. I'd have more if I could!

I know someone with 6 and all I can say is fuck living in that house.

That’s what I meant by having the appropriate support system in place.

I don’t work (passive income) and my parents are still relatively young and active and they love supporting me and my DC, as well as one other DN who lives nearby. Other siblings are scattered.

DH is away for weeks and then home for weeks. If the shit really hit the fan, we could afford for him to quit work too, although I think he’d prefer to continue his present lifestyle where he escapes the madness every now and then!!

I have a great friendship network and we all help each other out. I do totally see that my circumstances make it far easier for me to have 4 children (or more) than others. However, we have to respect people’s choices and believe they know best for their own situation.

That's exactly the same as me with regards to number three for us. We had five birthday parties in one weekend a few weeks ago and I just thought 'how on earth'

It's pretty much a full time job sorting it all, my oldest two no longer want to do any activities so they mainly just hang out with friends, the younger three do activities 5 nights a week (between them) and I'm just used to juggling it all. I can't imagine just having one or two now, I feel like it would be so chilled and quiet, but maybe too quiet 😂

Is it not already a shit show with 3?! It is in my house 🤦‍♀️

Multiple children simultaneously at university with minimum loan eligibility is not for the faint hearted. I’ve had finals, A levels & GCSEs coincide. They’ve been expected to work through gap years and university (we would have encouraged that regardless of number of children).

I work about 24 hours a week now (much less when the children were younger) dh does about 50 but we’ve always been in the position to be flexible with hours & location. We chose to live somewhere with plenty of amenities - rural is a nightmare with teens. The children all have/had several activities (county level sports, music, art, cadets, drama) so I’ve spend an awful lot of time (1-2 activities each night plus full day at the weekend) transporting them places but at least it’s all fairly close & we’ve got a timetable that nearly always works.

The time & financial pressure undoubtedly increase into the teens - I’m quite nostalgic about the primary school/toddler/baby stage.

They sometimes chose to do things together which helps!

(we’re both from bigger than average families - our siblings have gone one way or the other - no kids or 3/4/5)

I have 3DC at the moment and do plan to have one more, god willing. I am also one of 4 and absolutely adore my siblings. I can't imagine not having them and the childhood we had. I never felt that we didn't have enough time and was incredibly fortunate that money wasn't an issue for my parents, though is more of an issue for me and DH but we personally feel that the larger family and close knit siblings ( hopefully continues into adulthood ) is a huge privilege in life so are happy to cut back and compromise x

I came here to say exactly this

4 is way easier than 3
i have 5 decent age gaps though

I’m one of five siblings & have four children. This thread has prompted me to ask my older children they’re thoughts on this & the three I’ve spoken with late teen / early 20’s all agreed they’ve loved being one of four and wouldn’t change a thing they don’t feel they missed out on attention or having material things bought for them, they all agreed they would want at least three or four children themselves.

I'm the youngest of four. It put me off having four. My two can have full attention. Their own style and clothes without constant hand me downs. More money for better things and a better start to adult life with the money we'll have saved by not spreading it too thin. I'd rather give two a high quality of life than four of lesser.

I'd have loved a big family if I was rich. And could have a break often so they got the best from me. But now they're teens, I'm looking forward to seeing where their life takes them. We can easily afford driving lessons and to buy them a car when the time comes. Maybe Ill have grandchildren to spoil after a good few years of looking after myself and my relationship. I'm entirely content with the ones I've got but I did have a couple of extreme broody moments. Then I spend time with toddlers and enjoy playing with them then handing them back! ☺️

I loved reading their posts, especially the Christmas sheep one and carols. I’m sure there was one about a winter living room too.

Edited to add I was one of 5 and hated every second of it. DH was one of 4 and doesn’t speak to his siblings. Neither of our parents had time for us individually and personally I hated being the eldest and expected to ‘help’ with my younger siblings.

Unfortunately I don’t know anyone as an adult who is from a big family who doesn’t feel it harmed them in some way (they would never say this to their parents and would say if asked they had a blast). The biggest factors being lack of attention, or having to do childcare when they should have been having a childhood.
I am sure these happy big families are out there, but I think you have to be an incredibly engaged, unusually emotionally intelligent parent to make it work.

I have 4 and its awesome, but we can afford for me to be a SAHM and when the dc were primary age, I had an after school ‘helper’ who could stay with the littles whilst I shuttled older dc to activities, so littles werent dragged pillar to post or missed naps to school pick up etc and older dc could still do sports etc. We didnt get many invites to other peoples houses though as descending with 4 dc overwhelmed most of my friends with 2 dc…we did a lot of meet ups at the park instead

I have four and it's not a shit show. It's a challenge to juggle their needs, characters and activities but they play like a team. They're all under 10 though, so early days. As parents we work hard to make sure they don't miss out due to being in a bigger family. And generally (not always) succeed. It does strike me I do twice as many swimming runs etc and sensible friends with 2!

We have 5 (DD15, DD15, DS12, DD9 and DD6) including twins and honestly I genuinely do love it. But this is because both DH and I wanted a big family and are both happy with having a lot of children. We are also lucky to be very financially stable and so can easily afford having 5 kids. We'd never have had so many if it affected the children we already had.

It is definitely chaotic but I feel I manage better than I did when we had 3 to be honest, maybe because they are older now. I do struggle sometimes with managing hobbies and school and so so much more but it isn't as difficult as it used to be when they were much younger. Another thing is that I don't work full time and am mainly working from home so I have a lot more time to rest when the kids are at school and I can get household things done in peace meaning I am a much better mother generally when they do come home.

My kids all have their own bedrooms apart from DD9 and DD6 who share. We have a 7 seater car and a 5 seater. And we don't need to worry about financing holidays. Both DH and I love it That's why it works for us. Unfortunately, you might have to just let it go as it sounds like your DH is right but I promise you will still be happy with 3!!

Your husband is right.

DH is third of four, all 2 years apart. He obviously knows no different, but I personally wouldn't want to replicate his childhood.

I have jokingly asked MIL how she coped with all four and her reply is "they all kind of looked after each other after we'd had two". And tbh it seems kind of true. None of the children were supported to have their own hobbies or interests. My DH doesn't remember ever being asked if he had done his homework, or ever reading to his mum or doing spellings / times tables. They were all very much loved, but the family drifted through life in quite a hippy way, apart from poor FIL who was expected to work to pay for everything and also provide the only structure the children had.

Obviously, all that could also have been true if they only had 2 kids, but (from the outside) it seems that MIL wanted the big family with young kids and then kind of ran out of steam in terms of providing them with adequate support as they grew up.

If you do have more, make sure you have the ability to provide the level of support each individual requires throughout their entire childhood. It's not just about having the baby years again or a clutch of cute toddlers.

kids turn into teenagers and adults. 8, 6 and 2 at the moment is just hard work and energy.... cooking cleaning bedtimes driving them to school etc..... its sort of just physical requirements on you.
when they get a bit older and there is a 9-10 year age gap then things get hard physically and mentally.....you have to divide yourself into 4 to meet 4 different sets of needs. Then things really start to feel hard - its not just a tired body but a tired mind and doubts about if you're doing it right. sometimes there are not enough hours in the day to fit everything in plus help with hard homework (secondary), or listen to one who is having friendship issues, plus do all the household finance admin, plus work to earn money, plus look after the one who is up in the night, plus all the school whatsapp groups, plus worrying about how to pay the bills, plus find time for you before you lose your mind, then another one is sick etc etc

I have 4 and I love it, house is filled with laughter most of the time - of course they have their moments. Got lots of money which helps.

I grew up as an only child and it was miserable childhood and that part of my adulthood is miserable too. Obviously no matter how many children you have it might not be the ideal from a child pov.