If you have 4 kids is it a shit show?.. honestly

[Mrsisolated]

I currently have 3 kids 8 6 and 2. I am Feeling so broody it’s pathetic. One of the girls announced her pregnancy at work today and I just felt gutted that i will never experience bringing a baby into this world again. DH says no as we will need a bigger house and car and holidays will be too expensive and life will be extremely stressful. I am sure he is probably right but I just feel like I can’t accept that.

Kids activities often seem to land in the same night in different places I have four kids. At one point I had four kids attending four different activities in 3 different locations 17 miles apart on a Thursday. Also you shunt them into the same stuff as it works. It’s a tricky balance.

I've had that and didn't find it a problem to work out. Might have helped that I lived in a place where nothing was more than 20 minutes apart.

I dont know how anyone copes with one child let alone 4.

I have two at uni and two at home. It’s seems very quiet compared to a few years ago!

Somehow we managed clubs in the early days, dh did his share and music lessons were at home. Now dc4 has my undivided attention every Sunday when I watch him play football.

My dc are happy, generally get along and I make time for all of them. If I had to say one thing they missed out on it was holidays. We barely flew, never did the skiing thing and if we did go away it was to Europe for SC hols. But as I said up thread, our jobs were international in the early days so even though they haven’t had fancy holidays, they have lived in several countries.

I have exactly friends in that position and when the last child finally flees the nest they are left with their own life looking like an empty wasteland, no sense of identity left and finding it extremely hard mentally having devoted decades to the occupation of motherhood. Some have not recovered. It’s not exactly an easy option is it.

I always really really wanted 4 children, having grown up as the eldest of 3 close sisters and absolutely loving our childhood, although I wished for a brother too! When DH and I got together, he wanted 2 like his own childhood, even though all our parents are from big families, 4 children+. So we compromised on 3, although for various reasons we have a reasonable age gap before we had our third, older were both already at school. And now Iife is extremely hectic, I'm that bit older than when the eldest were toddlers and I'm now a full time student on a hugely demanding course as well so I think that shipped had sailed. But probably the main reason that I won't go for #4 is because my third child is by FAR the hardest work of them all. I got lucky with two fairly easy, relaxed and good-natured children for #1 and #2 but #3 is an absolute wild child, terrible sleeper, very intense stubborn personality, some medical issues and takes a lot more of all our time and energy than the older ones. Luckily the whole family adore them and the bigger age gap turned out to be a blessing but my TLDR is that a fourth baby, especially if I got another intense one, would have definitely tipped me over the edge and impacted the other children negatively.

I am not saying any of this is impossible, and children in this position grow up without love and attention, because that clearly isn’t true, simply that there will be sacrifices and those usually fall on the mothers shoulders (sometimes on the children)
The uni costs are just crippling now. I am amazed anyone can afford lots of dc now, the costs are insane.

OP 6 people don't even fit in a normal car. Yes, I know there are larger ones. Do you have a 5 bed house? Do you expect children to share rooms? As other people have said, ask those who grew up in a large family. Also, look hard at the budget.

I’m pretty rural so 17 miles apart was a different town. At least half an hour away traffic dependent.I managed but it was a bit convoluted. Get one child to x, drop 2 off at y, collect first child from x get back to y. Abandon first child with other parents and friends. Drive to Z to collect 4th child on a minimum hour round trip make it back to Y and head for home. There are things the children can’t do as they clash too much.

One thing id bare in mind (and obviously this can happen with 1st child, 2nd child, 10th child.. ) is what if you have a child with disabilities? I only have 2 with 10.5 years in between so i honestly thought itd be easy enough. Then DS2 was born with disabilities and its so hard. Always feel lile older child being neglected as your focus is on medications and hospital stays and physio etc. And the stress of what happens when im no longer here? I would never ever expect DS1 to spend his life looking after his brother but im conscious that the stress and worry will likely fall to him.

Yes I know mothers of big families like that too. They are quite boring people as they have no interests or hobbies of their own and literally nothing to talk about other than the children/grandchildren.

I read this all the time on the higher education pages where the mum sobs all summer at the idea of their DC going to university.

Like other people have said, its not necessarily the number of children that makes life hard work, it's their personalities. Some children are very demanding by nature (I have two). So I'd say it depends on the personalities of the children you already have, the 2 year old will be undecided though.
My now 3 year old has a tenancy to turn into a complete nightmare as of late and taking up alot of my focus away from my older ones.
Make the most of what you have, it only gets harder is all I'm going to say...lovely but exhausting.

Not op but thank you for this thread. We’ve just found out we are expecting no 4 (others are 1, 10, 12). In thrilled to bits as I come from a big family and so does my partner (and he would have 10+ children if he could!), and it’s nice to read others positive stories about it all.

I don’t disagree with this post however we have our eldest child with autism and I’m so happy she has two siblings that one day will be around for both each other and her when we pass on.

It just seems to me that there is a romanticism of bigger families that hasn’t adjusted to life in 2024. The Waltons etc but lifestyles have changed, and so have expectations.

The cost of having children at all is stratospheric, and I genuinely wonder why anyone would consider a family going forward if it continues to climb.

Ooh, with some gammon in Cumberland sauce and a star shaped pavlova!

Yes!! 👍🏻

It has its moments....I have four aged 17, 14, 9 and 7. So they're spaced out. I have had two preschoolers and two primary aged at once, then primary aged DC whilst raising teen DC (currently at this stage). Have still to go through raising two teenagers and two adult DC....

They take a lot of you emotionally. No doubt about it. Got two in CAMHS, one in OT system, etc. Loads going on.

I study part time. There is no way I would be able to work as they really need me. All four of them. Lots of admin to sort out regularly.

I have 7. It’s too many. 3 was perfect , 4 was just manageable. Now im constantly exhausted. Thank goodness for WFH as I can at least use breaks to do housework and meal prep

Depends on your perspective on two things. The life you want for yourself and the life you want for your kids.

• For your children, what kind of childhood do you want them to have? Filled with extra curriculum activities and education? Holidays abroad? Own bedrooms? One on one time by default and not scheduled in? Or are you happy with caravan weekends and being in the park instead of scheduled hobbies? Do you want them to lean more on eachother for support than you? Neither option is wrong. But make sure it's clear in your head exactly what you want for them.

I'm one of 4 and DP is one of 4. My mum gave us holidays abroad and extra curriculum activities. She is middle class though so her expectations of our childhood was different.
My DP has lovely parents but skint. They all wore hand me downs and had caravan holidays. No extra curriculum activities but instead 'played out' every night. He had a good childhood. His parents are working class so for them this was enough and what they were happy with.

However in this modern world it's NOT the same to have a large broad of children. You can't just open the front door in the morning during school holidays and straight after school and let them run free. You need to actually entertain them and unless you are happy with the TV being a their main source of entertainment it costs money. The park is only good for a few years.
Kids don't play out like they used too. Everything is scheduled and arranged for playdates.

• yourself? What life do you want for yourself long term? Look at what childhood you want for your children and if that's compatible with your own life. If you want holidays abroad annually for your kids or yourself, could that work? If you want friendships with adults having meals and doing adult things regularly, is they compatible with meeting the needs of 4 kids? Does facilitating the schedule of 4 kids for activities compatible with what you want for yourself? You may be able to do it logistically. However do you want to spend 5 nights a week out and about dropping the kids off? Not getting home till late?Or would you rather be at home at least 4 nights a week?

There is no right or wrong. Just what you want for yourself and your children.

Wow 7! We are tired with the 2 we have, though grown now. But they all need support for so much longer these days.

I have 5 and it's busy but happy. The laundry is a nightmare though. If I just had the children to deal with it would be bliss and I might have another one but the amount of laundry, especially getting it dry in winter, cooking, cleaning etc is so much harder with lots of children.

OMG are you actually me! That’s crazy similar experience.

and ignore all the negative experiences.

Typical parents of large families.