to expect dd to open up and explain her ways /odd behaviours

[ForZanyMember]

DD 15 wonderful in many ways I guess however some of her lifestyle habits concern me a little.

I understand we are all unique. She is nothing like I was at her age which of course is not a bad thing however I do worry that everything is okay. She is quiet by nature and probably the opposite to typical 15 year old girl in that she has zero interest in shopping, clothes, girly things, boys, makeup e.t.c. for me she actually spends an UNHEALTHY amount of time studying/doing homework. Along with this she has what I would say are quite unusual interests for a 15 year old girl. She is obsessed with certain topics such as biology, history and geography. She watches documentaries on these topics on a daily basis in her room with a notepad taking notes. She is also really into what I can only describe as strange programs that involve midwifery/nursing/human biology/baby making/ all things to do pregnancy. She also watches documentaries on deprived areas and troubled youths.

Maybe I'm overthinking things but I just really don't understand where these interests come from and why she spends so much of her time studying these topics. I am just a little concerned that's all. I would image most 15 year old girls spend their time out with their friends and stuff doing teenage activities.

I don't even understand how one could explain an interest in a way that's satisfactory to someone who doesn't share it. I'm not interested in football. DP has all these stats memorized, talks sbout it with his friends for hours and faithfully supports his team like it matters, and all I'm ever going to see is a bunch of blokes running around in shorts. Likewise, I love small-batch independent perfumeries. I have a huge collection, keep meticulous spreadsheets and am active on a sub reddit devoted to them. All DP gets from it is smelly oils. We like what we like because we like it.

I also think your understanding of modern teenagers is a bit outdated. It's very common now to have a mixed-sex friend group and niche interests. I'm a teacher and I'd say the number of my female students who are truly interested in fashion or make-up are very much a minority. Out of the most popular girls I know, one is very into Asian food TikToks, another is devoted to American politics and a third loves old-school atari games. They like what they like.

I think your daughter sounds a bit intense, but teenagers often are. Nothing troubling, or requiring an "explanation". I don't think you should expect her to explain herself to you.

When I was 15, I was the same. I preferred reading, and learning about history, geography, etc. I liked to dive deep into my favourite topics, and could spend hours on the internet doing research every day. I had no interest in make-up or boys. I preferred documentaries to romance novels, and never watched popular TV shows aimed at teenagers. I frankly thought my interests were far more interesting than the prosaic pursuits of most other people. I had a small group of friends. I didn't get into trouble. I didn't experience heartbreak or low self-esteem. I didn't have anxiety. I'm not neurodivergent. I knew my own mind, kept my own counsel, and I didn't care what other people thought.

I also had a lot of growing up to do, and lot of emotional maturity still to attain. But again, that's normal for a teenager. All 15 year olds still need to grow up, to come to terms with the "real world", to adjust. But your daughter sounds fine.

I did incredibly well academically in high school, and then in university. I had my first boyfriend in university, met my husband in university (to whom I am still very happily married after 15 years, and with whom I've had some amazing times travelling the world together and now parenting two, soon to be three, children). I have a very well-paid job which I enjoy, and live a very happy and comfortable life.

My mother didn't "get me" either, but I didn't (and still don't) think of that as my problem. That's her problem for being narrow-minded.

Oh you've nailed it

What is unusual or wrong in a 50/50 boy/girl friendship group? I would have thought it was perfectly healthy at this age. I was similar to your daughter at fifteen, with several interests, but with music being the overriding and intense passion. I enjoyed the pop music of the time to a certain extent, but it was always classical music that was my true love. My daughter was the same. I would far rather this than silly, giggling girls with nothing more in their heads than clothes, makeup, pop music, boys and shopping. She is obviously academically able with an enquiring mind and should do well at university when she is older, which is where I suspect she will find her tribe and make lifelong friends with like minded people. This made what happened to my daughter and myself. Indeed, l still have several friends from my music college days forty years ago.

She sounds a bit like me. I used to spend hours poring over maps, reading books about history and medicine, and quite a few books about human rights (Holocaust, Tiananmen Square, FGM, international child abduction) and yeah, sometimes biology and pregnancy. I went to a girls school but never really had a cohesive girl group. Fundamentally I was and still am a bit kooky and maybe intense, but I’ve got loads of friends and I’m quite a successful adult with a well paid job and a lovely fiancé. Chances are she’ll be fine.

Your dd sounds very much like my ds, he was watching stuff about politics, nuclear war, people escaping from North Korea & China, Air Crash Investigations from being about 12.

If your daughter seems happy I would rejoice in her having healthy interests in humanity and the planet.

You could..
Visit natural history museums with her.
Find her some week long work experiences in kindergartens, animal shelters, hospitals, art/craft activity charities working with homeless or soup kitchens.
Look into gap years that help people or ecosystems.
Investigate with her which universities would suit her to study:

nursing
midwifery
biology
meteorology
sustainable environments
zoology
paediatrics
veterinary and animal studies
medicine
psychology
and on and on ..

Challenge her, with her friends, to experience more of the real life adventures that she so enjoys studying in books and on screens. Enable her to go to more places that reinforce her learning and enthusiasm..
Maybe give her year passes to zoos, train travel, museums etc.

She sounds like my 15 year old son. He's a great kid, and really loves Geography and learning. He's worrying a book about the history of flags around the world. He has friends, they're all lovely, and like your daughter's friends they are a mix of boys and girls. I'm really pleased he's not one of the lads I see passing my house everyday vaping, swearing, pushing eachother into the road, kicking bins, and being general dickheads.

He goes to chess club at school and set up a D&D club. I'm really proud of him - he knows his own mind and it's his authentic self.

He's also autistic, but that's irrelevant really.

Introverts are gonna introvert ✨👏

So your 15-year-old daughter is serious and studious.

I don’t think you’ve really thought this through as well as you might have.
When she grows up to be a scientist or researcher or doctor, perhaps you’ll see that there’s a benefit in being a serious and studious girl.

But regardless of what she grows up to be, not every girl is a flibberdygibbit.
Some girls are serious and studious, and we are all the better for it.

You could be describing DD (DC3) at 15 (currently studying maths, physics and chemistry at A-level), down to her mix of friends.
None of them are interested in alcohol (now turning 18), they hold jazz events, get togethers where they make soups and breads. Their friendships are lovely, I aren't concerned in the slightest.
Her two DB are much more average academically and are very similar to each other. They probably present much more popularly (that sounds crass but they were socially very popular in school and college), not better though, just different.
Be proud.

I'd be fucking thrilled if my daughter was like that. What on earth is the problem?

Her small, mixed friends group are probably the only pupils in her year/class that are smart and mature enough to hold a proper conversation with her.

Be careful with your judgement OP.

Years ago I was friends with a woman with two boys. She was perplexed whilst they were growing up that they weren’t into the usual boys activities like cars, football, meeting girls, clothes choices, the fact they were happy but had mostly female friends confused her.
Her sons were also academic and quite introverted, they stayed in studying most of the time.

My friend never outright told them she disagreed with their choices but subtly tried to change them anyway. She bought them “manly” expensive clothes, continuously offered to buy some beers and get out of the way if they wanted to party, she even invited friends daughters round to set them up on dates.

My friend is a good person who was terrified her sons would be bullied, she is also autistic.

Those boys went through years of my friend telling them that their interests, hobbies snd appearance were girly - especially her eldest when he was training to be a hairdresser. She asked them constantly if they were gay but they claimed not to be, she was upset about this as she was keen on the idea thinking it explained things and make sense of them.

Both boys are now in their late teens and both claim to be trans. They are both diagnosed as autistic now and seem to class their mother’s perception of them to be quite feminine growing up means they must be girls in the wrong body. long hair, one son wore nail varnish and she hated it. .

Both were non binary for a few months and lots of their peers made a fuss and exclaimed it made sense, it made them pretty popular, they turned to internet support groups who insisted they were trans and slowly sucked them in.

One of the boys has had 2 name changes, one is on their 4th, they aren’t normal names like Sophie or Emma, they are attention seeking names like Stargazer or August with every name change.

I believe if my friend had just supported her boys and let them be who they were then they wouldn’t have questioned it and gone down this path. They might have just considered that male and female stereotypes are just that - stereotypes.
Roller skating with your girl best friend instead of playing sports doesn’t mean one day you’ll be trying on lipstick in a female toilet together some day.

If you keep encouraging your daughter to believe she’s somehow off (even if it’s not consciously) then she might try to seek for answers where she fits and get sucked into trans ideology.

I try to keep anything gender critical away from specific places like the sex and gender discussion board. When I saw no one had made a similar observation I felt I’d best issue the warning…

I think you've had a tough time here. She sounds fab and I think that's what most posters are trying to tell you, some harsher than others.

I think that doing anything to the extreme could be concerning, even if it's something as wholesome as studying. Everyone needs a bit of balance in their life.

As long as she has the opportunity to do other things (sports, work, socialising) and sometimes does them, you're all good. Some 15 year old are competitive athletes and spend all of their time training, some are going to be grand masters at chess and spend all of their time playing chess etc etc. So I think it is in the realms of the norm, but perhaps the subjects aren't that usual. I'd relax and make sure that her home life is supportive of her passions as well as presents opportunity for other things.

You could look into hyper focus and see if you think that it's the bill, but even if it does, what does it change?

Be careful what you wish for OP. Your DD sounds great exactly how she is.

My parents forced me to study subjects I wasn’t interested in. They were the kind of parents that demanded everything but gave nothing back. No interest in my life. I had no friends by the end of high school and any interests were firmly squashed while living in that house. I remember once saying how I like to watch a documentary on a certain topic and my dad was so negative about it and yawned through the first ten minutes. I got up and pretended it was a silly tv show and went to my room. That’s how any interest was treated.

There is nothing weird about your DD, she sounds as though she has freedom and choice and that’s the most incredible gift.

Bingo!

It’s a pathetically sad world we live in where not being into bitchy girl cliques and TikTok and fashion is seen as odd.

And wtf is this obsession with people being “on the spectrum”?

I honestly believe that in twenty years time we will realise that there has been far too much emphasis on needing to label and diagnose people with autism/ADHD/some other kind of neurodivergence, and that we will just acknowledge that everyone is unique in their own right without it needing to be given a label.

That doesn’t mean that there aren’t people with these conditions, but instead of allowing people to have their own character and personality and be individuals in their own right we need to label them as different because they don’t conform to what we want for them.

At 15 I watched wildlife documentaries, was heavily into nature and conservation while also studying the stock market.

I’ve been teetotal all my life, had mostly male friends growing up, have never worn makeup, and have 0 interest in the latest fashion trend.

And if people think that makes me odd then that’s on them not me.

Perhaps in fact if we stopped normalising this idea of needing to be seen to conform, of needing to be on social media and in with the latest trends we would have less mental health issues in younger people who are made to feel by society, including their parents it seems, that not being able to conform somehow makes them a lesser person.

She’s going to be a doctor. She sounds fab.

So she works hard in school, displays great empathy and social connection by helping other students understand their work, interested in the wider world and self motivated to do independent research and has a close knit group of friends, she sounds great and like the type of kid anyone could find common interests with. I feel sad for her that instead of her mum being immensely proud you just think she's odd.

I'm sorry people have been so harsh on you. My 15 yo is a little like your daughter (although does have a autism diagnosis) and he's doing OK as he gets older. He never goes out which I inwardly think is shame as I used to have fun going out with my friends, he's been into philosophy at a young age and gives not one jot about what he wears. I, just like you do, love him very much and I've tried to get more into his interests by watching YouTube videos with him and anima as well (another big interest of his) and I have actually really enjoyed it.

Being accepted for who you are is very powerful and important. I would try and stop worrying (I don't always manage this) and see if you can get to know her a bit more. Good luck.

A lot of mums would feel blessed to have a child like yours... shes just good pure and simple. She has plenty of time to diversify and go out especially at uni which seems like the path your intelligent DD will go on.

I'm not going to rehearse all the things that have been said by others here. The key point really is whether she's happy or not and you don't seem to know. Were/ are you close, op? Have you asked her outright? Might she sense that you don't understand her?

She sounds intense, which is absolutely fine - I too was intense and fanatically obsessed with various things (still am). My parents were very encouraging of me being proud of not following the crowd. But when intense impacts on mental health, then it's time to step in.

I think she sounds great, by the way.

She's clever and hardworking, she's not shallow or vain or interested in performing stereotypical gender roles, she's kind, she chooses her friends based on personality and interests rather than their sex. She ignores peer pressure and thinks for herself. Tell her she's great as she is - because she is.

Have you considered following her example and taking more of an interest in the world of ideas? Maybe reading some of the same books she likes, watching the documentaries with her, that sort of thing? Perhaps if you could share some interests you'd talk more and become closer and you'd learn more about what's really going on in your head. Because as it stands it does sound a bit like she just assumes you can't understand her or aren't even particularly interested in really understanding her, and she just tells you what she thinks you can process or what you want to hear and then goes back to the stuff which actually interests her.

OP I hope you have read all this. You have a wonderful daughter who has a great life ahead of her.
Please don't stifle her ambitions with trivia.