to expect dd to open up and explain her ways /odd behaviours

[ForZanyMember]

DD 15 wonderful in many ways I guess however some of her lifestyle habits concern me a little.

I understand we are all unique. She is nothing like I was at her age which of course is not a bad thing however I do worry that everything is okay. She is quiet by nature and probably the opposite to typical 15 year old girl in that she has zero interest in shopping, clothes, girly things, boys, makeup e.t.c. for me she actually spends an UNHEALTHY amount of time studying/doing homework. Along with this she has what I would say are quite unusual interests for a 15 year old girl. She is obsessed with certain topics such as biology, history and geography. She watches documentaries on these topics on a daily basis in her room with a notepad taking notes. She is also really into what I can only describe as strange programs that involve midwifery/nursing/human biology/baby making/ all things to do pregnancy. She also watches documentaries on deprived areas and troubled youths.

Maybe I'm overthinking things but I just really don't understand where these interests come from and why she spends so much of her time studying these topics. I am just a little concerned that's all. I would image most 15 year old girls spend their time out with their friends and stuff doing teenage activities.

She's probably this way to make sure she doesn't turn out like her vapid, ridiculous and judgemental mother.

Would you rather her be spending her free time scrolling for hours on TikTok, vaping, underage drinking and sex at house parties?

Are you worried about something else?

That she might be gay for example as she isn't performing femininity in a stereotypical way?

Perhaps she is gay or bi. My DC are, and were similarly engaged with academic pursuits at that age, in a group of friends of both sexes and all sexualities.

Perhaps she is autistic - the academic interests might be special interests in their depth and intensity. If they align with academic success (as they did for my DD1 with autism who did 2 degrees in the area she was obsessed with since the age of 5) then it can lead to interesting careers. If not, she has shown that she can entertain and educate herself in many different ways.

But her behaviours might not mean either. She might just be quirky and not afraid to follow her own path (and a teen who doesn't follow the crowd is far less likely to be pressured into risky behaviours)

And if her behaviours do mean that she is either gay/bi or neurodivergent what does that matter? She sounds fab.

Agreed - she sounds bloody amazing, actually. So long as she’s happy, has a few friends who make her laugh, I’d be chuffed to bits to be part of her life.

Your job as a parent is to nurture your child and support them to become individuals with a strong sense of self and to develop their own interests and areas of strength, not to mould her into something you seem to believe is more ‘normal’ (I hate that word) for a 15 year old girl.
She sounds like a bright, interesting young woman with a sense of social responsibility.
I’m more concerned about your values and beliefs around what a 15 year old girl should be and I’m glad you have a wonderful daughter to challenge and perhaps help you shift your thinking.

@ForZanyMember you basically described me at school. And now to a certain extent.

I love learning. I love studying, writing essays and papers. I went to uni as a mature student in 2010 in my late 30s just so I could do some ‘homework’ and studying!

I do go down rabbit holes with certain things and they will become my living breathing focus for a while.

I’ve never been super bothered for shopping, makeup etc - all the stereotypical ‘girly’ stuff.

my friend mix now and then was quite mixed male/female and it’s only a few small groups in the various areas of my life.

Im happy. I don’t need to confirm to someone else’s idea of what a girl/woman should be interested in. Neither does your daughter.

I was assessed a few years ago and have inattentive ADHD. It’s most common in women/girls. We easily mask it as well.

when I first got this book I was nodding along with many of the traits. This one is free on Amazon Kindle Unlimited if you have it. I found it helpful prior to my diagnosis- it helped make many of my traits and interests make sense.

This reminds me of the bit in Legally Blonde where the Dad says: “Oh, sweetheart, you don't need law school. Law school is for people who are boring and ugly and serious.”

She sounds very much like I was at that age, I am proudly quirky now with lots of wonderful people in my life and an amazing career (my love of science lead me to becoming a doctor). If she is happy then good for her, she doesn’t have to conform to any stereotypes!

She isn't gay or bi. We've talked and she's straight.

As for autism I don't believe so not that I am an expert on the subject at all but I don't believe she has many autistic traits

@ForZanyMember treasure her, she is what society needs more of, seem a prime candidate for darpa or dtsl etc, its never unhealthy to be learning new topics etc

I'm not sure I understand your concern. I would have loved the access I have now to TV programming I want to watch when I was a teenager.

I'm a perfectly functional adult human female. I have a tonne of friends (all sexes). Many longstanding (I met my tribe at Uni but do still have some friends from school). I have a Professional job which required extremely good science A-levels so I did a tonne of homework/ private study.

However my family encouraged me - taking me to exhibitions I was interested in, going to lectures at our local university. Could you look into some activities that she would like?

Even now as an adult I unashamedly have fairly niche interests and totally embrace it. My colleagues think it's hilarious that I go on expeditions around europe to see brutalist architecture and completely fail to understand that trying to get tickets for events at Shetland Wool Week/ QuiltCon is worse than getting Glastonbury tickets!

She sounds wonderful. Let her be and accept her for who she is.

She sounds fantastic and like she is doing very well! She has found something productive that she enjoys doing. She knows what interests her. Have you had any conversations with her about where she is hoping to take her learning? What she likes about these subjects? Her aspirations and goals? Tried to find out how you can support and encourage these?

These days, with the internet, if you have an interest in a subject it is easy to make like-minded friends online.

I might be wrong but from the tone of your post it seems as if you don’t really approve of her or wish she was different, somehow? If this is the case then please try your best to reframe your thinking about her -as someone who grew up with a mother who objected to her very mode of being because it was different from her own - this can really do a number on a persons self esteem!

Side note- “All sexes”?

OP have you really talked to her or without knowing it accused her of being gay or bi? I ask this gently as you appear very naive in your earlier posts, especially asking what neurodivergent was. I have to say she sounds absolutely amazing and you should celebrating her not 'being concerned'.

OP, with all due respect you are sounding like a bit of a bimbo here. Are you seriously not interested in anything at all in the world aside from makeup? Really? No interest in history or culture or world affairs? Just how your own face looks? That really isn’t anything to brag about.

Maybe she gets her brains from her dad.

At that age I was really into maths, puzzles, chess, Christianity, communism and CND. Pretty much still am. But have grown up relatively normal with loads of friends.

She sounds as though she has the makings of a top-flight academic. You don’t have to understand this if it’s not your thing, but you do have to accept it and leave her alone.

YABU. Your daughter sounds lovely. Why do you think all teenage girls are stereotypically shallow and only interested in boys, make up etc? Thank God your daughter is interested in things that actually matter. She's not "odd" at all, and it's really upsetting that she has a mother who is judging her like this.

@ForZanyMember as shes learning id recommend chatgpt to help assist with her studies too.

I'm sorry but this post made me guffaw quite loudly...
You have just written an op describing your daughter that contains a number of traits that are incredibly common/stereotypical in autistic people yet you don't think she has any autistic traits??
It is very possible she is not autistic, we don't have enough info but equally, it is very possible that she may be. It might be worth reading up on autism in girls.

She sounds amazing. The only thing I would be concerned about is potential bullying at school. As you say, this is (unfortunately) atypical behaviour for teens and that can attract bullies.
And also, she is probably going to pick up on the idea that you think she's a bit weird. Do you watch any of the documentaries together or show an interest in her interests?

Does she want to go on university challenge when she’s older?

(only asking because I used to take notes from history documentaries for this reason- I could dream )

I'm sorry but this post made me guffaw quite loudly...
You have just written an op describing your daughter that contains a number of traits that are incredibly common/stereotypical in autistic people yet you don't think she has any autistic traits??

To be fair, the OP doesn’t even know what ‘neurodivergent’ means so I’d assume she’d be unable to spot autistic traits. Especially in teenage girls.

OP, what you have is a geek/nerd/very clever young woman. She sounds awesome to me!!

I haven't accused her of being gay or bi. It wouldn't be a problem in any way I couldn't care less honestly.

I feel like a lot of people here are getting the wrong of the stick about me here, I don't want a girly girl who is into makeup and boys or her to be like me. I just want her to be herself and be happy. My concern simply comes about from behaviour I noticed that made me question "is that healthy" and "is everything okay with her" not things like "why is she wierd" or "what's wrong with her"