to expect dd to open up and explain her ways /odd behaviours

[ForZanyMember]

DD 15 wonderful in many ways I guess however some of her lifestyle habits concern me a little.

I understand we are all unique. She is nothing like I was at her age which of course is not a bad thing however I do worry that everything is okay. She is quiet by nature and probably the opposite to typical 15 year old girl in that she has zero interest in shopping, clothes, girly things, boys, makeup e.t.c. for me she actually spends an UNHEALTHY amount of time studying/doing homework. Along with this she has what I would say are quite unusual interests for a 15 year old girl. She is obsessed with certain topics such as biology, history and geography. She watches documentaries on these topics on a daily basis in her room with a notepad taking notes. She is also really into what I can only describe as strange programs that involve midwifery/nursing/human biology/baby making/ all things to do pregnancy. She also watches documentaries on deprived areas and troubled youths.

Maybe I'm overthinking things but I just really don't understand where these interests come from and why she spends so much of her time studying these topics. I am just a little concerned that's all. I would image most 15 year old girls spend their time out with their friends and stuff doing teenage activities.

I'm 47.

When I was 15 I had no interest in clothes or make up or boys or going out.

I read. A lot. I had a computer and wrote computer programs and played games.

It does sound like you want a giggly girlie who likes going out and make up and whose conversation is all about the latest fashion.

Those girls exist. They're fine. You don't have one.

My mum grew up in the 1960s when girls were strongly discouraged from bothering their little pretty heads about school or anything academic. She really encouraged me to read and learn, and I went to uni and did well in life.

I still have zero interest in make up or clothes.

Please don't try to turn your lovely daughter into some stereotypical caricature of a woman. It's not compulsory to like make up. It's not compulsory to be interested in clothes. You have an intelligent daughter. For gods sake don't start with the 1960s stuff off all girls have to like clothes and wear make up and be obsessed with boys and nothing else is allowed.

I was the 1980s/1990s equivalent to your daughter. Watched and recorded (on VHS!) entire series of different legal dramas, made notes on each episodes and followed all the ins and outs of the legal arguments. I couldn’t get enough. If I’d had the internet, I’d have been in seventh heaven. Also helped out at school with less able students (as our classes were generally mixed ability), even though, looking back, work should have been better differentiated. Ended up being a lawyer.

I don’t think my parents were ever concerned about me though.

I labelled it "wierd" as being not the norm. Perhaps I should have chose another term I don't mean wierd in a negative manner I mean that "it's not the norm" which I'm pretty sure it's true that most girls have a solid friendship of fellow girls which would be classed as their "closest friends"

Respectfully,,OP, you’re the one emerging on here as a bit of an oddball, with very rigid ideas about teenagers, friendships, interests etc. Are you not around many teenagers?

Again, are you not around many teenagers?

leave your daughter alone.

Maybe she’s thinking about a career in nursing/midwifery?

Was going to say this.

She sounds normal.

You sound... odd.

My kids are now 24.

When they were teens their friendship groups were more boys and girls.

I taught secondary for twenty years.

Most friendship groups had girls and boys in them.

Can you explain why you think girls should have only friends who are girls?

No I am not around many teenagers, only my cousins who are 15 and the odd friend daughter may have round.

OP not sure if this is a wind up or not (as OP sounds like mother from Roald Dahl’s ‘Matilda’), but I was like this as a teen and then grew up to have a full ride scholarship from undergrad to my masters and have a varied and successful career winning awards etc. I also have mixed sex friendships. That’s a great thing. I became more outgoing as grew older and found my feet away from school, where most people while lovely were (in my eyes then) a bit basic.

Nothing sounds weird about her. She sounds like a girl who enjoys learning and science. At her age I was obsessed with ancient Egypt, Latin classifications of animals and autobiographies by war correspondents! I had a friend who was mad about Kate bush and Freddie mercury (this was in the 2000s so quite some time after their heyday). Mixed friendship groups are very normal, as is not being interested in boys or makeup. She might even like girls! Why does it matter to you that she doesn’t fit a very reductive and rigid stereotype of a teenage girl? Where are you getting your ideas of what’s “normal” from?

Edina, is that you? Seriously, you sound like the mother from Absolutely Fabulous!

You need to understand differences. Simple as that.

I wish my 15 year old was more like this. Mine is never home and constantly needs to be with her friends or she gets fomo.

I can I ask what she was like growing up.

I only ask because your DD sounds like my dd2, very fixated on her studies plus what seemed random obsessions. Unfortunately she had a mental health crisis and self harmed at the beginning of YR11. All the people we have spoken too suspect that she is on the autism spectrum.

And looking back what we just thought of her little quirks growing up we agree. My DH is also on the spectrum as well.

What exactly are you concerned about?

She isn't like you, but none of what you describe sounds at all dangerous or likely to take her down a path that will lead to poor outcomes or even limit her choices later on.

You want her to "explain" herself but sound like that would be a really frustrating conversation for her if you just can't fathom how a girl could have an interest in things other than boys and how she looks. This isn't something you need her to talk about to understand. You could read up on other women who have been fascinated by scientific subjects or had close friendships with boys when they were teens.

I know you're posting because you're a bit worried about your DD but with the way you're expressing yourself you sound so narrow minded it doesn't seem surprising that she withdraws at home and just does her own thing. I think you might want to consider whether you're the issue here.

Did you grow up in a different culture from where you are raising your daughter? I wonder if that's why you find some aspects of her life odd.
There's nothing unusual about having an even mix of male and female friends for example, or developing a deep interest in some subjects and pursuing them beyond regular homework.

OP, your DD reminds me of one of DS2's early girlfriends. The least girly of girls, wildly academic. She was super bright with wide interests.

She got her PhD this year and is now a full-time academic.

I really have no idea what you're worrying about.

Is this the person pretending to be a teen/bad parent (it changes intermittently) again? Because if it is, it’s just beyond boring now.

Apologies if not, sure HQ can verify if it’s the same PBP.

Nothing odd about it. She is enjoying learning. It probably comes easily to her and she is good at it and derives pleasure from it. As long is she isn't setting herself impossibly high standards and making herself stressed because of it, it all sounds fine.

She sounds great. What on earth is wrong with watching documentaries about history and medical subjects, or having male as well as female friends? She sounds scholarly and serious. We need more people like that.

This is her personality. You need to accept her as she is.
I was similar to this myself and I am ND. There may be an element of that in your daughter. As long as she seems to be flourishing, why worry? Why do you think being extremely studious and introverted is unhealthy? I hope you're not communicating that belief to her. IMO you are very lucky to have a daughter like that. Please don't devalue her because she is different from the average teen. The average teen is quite atrocious, and I felt that way about teens when I was a teen myself. Your daughter sounds like an amazing person. She probably has a high IQ, which plays into it as well. You have an exceptional child and you're worried about it. I don't get it.

I don't know if it's odd for a 15 year old but her documentary list sounds identical to mine 😂 I often watch the same ones over and over again too, some people just like that sort of thing

So where are you getting your very rigid ideas about teenagers from? You seem very governed by ‘should’s.