To not like being called by forename by kids

[BreakingDad77]

I don't know but somehow it feels odd when sons friends year 6 age range calling me by my forename. I haven't said anything but part of me feels I would prefer Mr surname or "sons name - dad".

So strange. At what age would a person need to be for you not be offended by being called your actual given name?

You would hate DD's school. All the teachers are called by their first names, even the headteacher.

I think it’s relationship not age.

So child of a close family friend: fine.

Random child in your DC’s class: a bit close and cloying

My DC’s school calls all the teachers by titles and the parents and teachers generally use that when addressing each other as well ( not teachers to teachers orvparents to parents though). I can’t see what’s wrong with that. It creates a courteous atmosphere.

‘…someone you feel doesn’t know you well enough…’

So, it’s subjective. The person addressing you has to guess how you feel. How does that work?

Me, I make it easy for people. I feel everyone knows me well enough to call me by my firstname, and if they don’t do that, I ask them to.

With you, who’s to know what to call you? How are they to know how you feel and when that feeling might change? If they get it wrong, do you correct them? And if not, why not?

No I wouldn’t correct them.

I’m just explaining why I would sometimes prefer not to have my first name used, which was OP’s feeling too.

But, generally speaking, people are able to exercise both common sense and intuition: someone you have only seen a handful of times and not had any real conversations with other than formalities doesn’t know you well. It’s not really that challenging.

Eta … but I see you correct them.

What’s the difference? If someone doesn’t feel very comfortable calling you by your forename, I don’t see why they should be forced to - anymore than someone I’d prefer called me by my surname should be.

Yanbu. It is respectful to use title and surname.

They’re not going to intuit that unless they share your view of what’s ‘proper’.

If they don’t share it, they may do something you consider improper.

And this is the problem with this kind of social etiquette. It’s opaque. Those who break the rules either never know - which rather illustrates that the convention has no real significance - or they are corrected - which is patronising, and of no real benefit. And to do that would be ill-mannered, which is why you wouldn’t do it, I think. I imagine you’re very well-mannered. Me too, I hope.

There’s a useful distinction here. Good manners, I think, are generally intended to put the other party at ease. The function of etiquette is to codify behaviour so that people can identify each other as being from a similar background.

In other words, and generalising a bit, good manners are inclusive. Etiquette is exclusive.

I can assure you it’s not. If you were to insist that I or my children address you by your title and surname, my respect for you would be measurably diminished.

You may feel respected, but you’d be mistaken.

My 2 yo sometimes calls me and DH by our first names, be glad it's only his friends doing it!

emmmm. re children.... their parents could teach them?

I do agree about manners being to out people at ease. But that’s why I hibestkhbyhinn it was simpler to go with children calling adults by a surname until the adult ( maybe) says “you can call me x if you like.”

I do agree about manners being to put people at ease and also with the point about a distinction between manners and etiquette. But that’s why I do think it was simpler when I was young with children calling adults by a surname. We all knew what to do, it wasn’t seen as pompous because that’s what you did and noone felt it was a bit intrusive. It was a safety net if knowing you were being polite. They haven’t got that safety net now, as, as this thread shows, some people don’t like it.

Thing is, I don’t think that’s the kids’ problem. I think it’s the adults’.

Why would one teach one’s children to comply with a social convention that one believes is empty of use or meaning?

I'm the opposite. I used to work at my children's school and know a lot of their friends. They can't get out of the habit of calling me Mrs K, even though I tell them every time to call me my name!

I don't think you are unreasonable at all, @BreakingDad77 . My DS have been raised to use Mr/Mrs or other title until such time as the adult invites them to use first names. DS are 16 now and it's noticeable that friends' parents are doing this, but mostly weren't when they were younger. And now they are in the sixth form I generally invite their friends to call me by my first name once they have been to our house or we to theirs. My (American-born) DH would prefer to stretch the formality until they are 18 but is slowly adjusting. I don't see anything wrong in adults being treated with respect by other people's children. Similarly, I find it sad to hear young children using first names for their own parents, as it plays down the special relationship and unique responsibility parents owe to their children. I love and delight in my sons, but I'm their mother, not some friend amongst many.
Still, there are many ways to parent and (almost) all are valid!

Well if you believed that you probably wouldn’t, which I’m guessing you didn’t.

This wouldn't bother me but if it does you, what's wrong with asking the kids to call you mrs/ms surname ? The kids won't know you mind if you don't tell them. They aren't mindreaders.