To not want him to complain in restaurants?

[FirecrackerK]

My DP is really into his food, makes most meals at home and even thought about being a chef when he was younger. It's a hobby.

But I'd say 60% of the time when we're out for a meal, if the server asks 'how was your meal?' he doesnt give the obligatory response.

Instead he uses it as an opportunity to moan about the carrots of the gravy or whatever and say 'it could've been more X'. I feel really embarrassed when he does this as other diners are just quietly enjoying their meals!

He stopped for a while because he knew it bothered me but he's back at it again

@BIossomtoes ha I think that's brutal! More brutal when delivered nicely. 🙂

I'd do option one.

I'd also be pre-warning him before we went out - maybe even when going out for dinner is just being suggested - that behaving like a judge on Masterchef really detracts from your experience of the meal, and that maybe he should consider just buttoning it. I mean - "an opportunity to moan about the carrots of the gravy or whatever and say 'it could've been more X'"!

If there's something wrong, fine. But "it could've been more X" just comes across as performative wankery.

The thing is, dining out isn't just about the food. It's about the ambience, the company, the conversation and (to an extent) making those you are eating with feel comfortable. It's supposed to be enjoyable. I always comment if something is sub par but this sounds like a total downer and, yes, highly embarrasing. I think you need to tell him that unless something is unacceptable, then his "expert" comments can be posted on Tripadvisor.

@FirecrackerK It is asked for a reason. The restaurant are asking for feedback. So no such thing as a 'generic reply'. Often people will say that the food was fine, good, whatever they feel. Some people will say that even if it wasn't, because in this country we are very bashful about complaining. See it as somehow being 'bad' to complain, even if it is done politely.

However, we here don't know your DH. If he's doing it to show off ' Look at me - I can cook and am very knowledgeable about how things are done, hence my pointing out the gravy, carrots, whatever, could have been improved upon' Then I would be both angry and embarrassed for him.

On the other hand if he genuinely thinks he is being helpful, well he's simply answering the question and nothing to be embarrassed about

Only you know which of those options your DH falls into

If I'm paying michelin star prices, no way would I feel embarrassed to give honest feedback on the food if i thought it wasn't good enough, especially if asked directly!

In Nandos I can see it being a bit more cringe and pointless.

Agree with others that I think it depends. My husband & I never complain in a restaurant unless there is actually something wrong with what we’ve been served but to be honest which means we won’t eat it or don’t like it. I wouldn’t be offering comments outside of that, but maybe it depends. The threshold for complaining (in my opinion anyway) is lower in a Michelin Star Restaurant than it is at Frankie & Benny’s for example. When you’re paying £11 for 3 courses at Frankie & Benny’s you’re probably not going to winge unless the food is inedible/wrong, whereas if you’re paying £60 a course I can see where you have higher expectations and so it not being perfect might make you feel the need to complain.

I find eating out with my DSis stressful so gave sympathy OP. There are always several things wrong, coffee too hot or too cold or not served at the right point, butter too hard (a common complaint), service taking too long, waiters being lazy and disappearing (I wonder why?), wine being too cold or served at the wrong time, things being a little different to menu descriptions, more gravy needed (this was last weekend, and when they brought an extra jug, she didn't want any!), no one clearing glasses or plates (they are but take just slightly longer than DSis wants). I am actually avoiding going out with her now. DSis retired 7 years ago and has got steadily worse since then, she was OK years ago. It's just draining, stops me enjoying my food, and I feel for the often inexperienced restaurant staff who can't get anything right.

Tbf it’s an irritating, empty question as it’s too late. What are they going to do, tell the chef to do better next time. It’s weird he takes something so performative literally but I would be quite amused at them getting way more than they bargained for.

He’s right. If you’re paying a lot of money and something isn’t up to scratch, you should say so. The restaurant will want to know so they can improve it.

I used to work in restaurants, both at waiter level and then management. I can practically guarantee whatever he’s saying to the waiting staff never even reaches the kitchen unless he’s literally requesting a replacement or money off.

@FirecrackerK - what does your dh say to you about his meal, whilst you are both eating? If he's saying to you that it's fine, but then complaining to the wait staff, could you say "But Bert, you said to me that it was delicious - why are you complaining now?" Or are his comments genuinely what he is thinking while he eats the meal, in which case, a quiet word to the wait staff seems less unreasonable.

Though even if it is reasonable comments, if it is spoiling your enjoyment of the meal, he should rein it in for your sake.

But it was if he ate it, if it's not bad enough to send back don't complain at the end unless your Michelle Roux.....if someone gives you a present and asks if you like it do you say no?

My brother is a successful chef. He would never dream of picking holes in a meal and giving that feedback to waiting staff, they don’t control the food and it just kills the vibe. If something is off about the experience he will email the manager afterwards.

But did you complain when eating not at the end?

If there is a problem with his meal, why would he say it's fine?
If people don't offer feedback, how is a restaurant to know they have a problem? Customers would just stop going, or not recommend it to others, and the restaurant would have no idea why.

My late MIL was a bit like this. She'd always find something to complain about, even if it was totally invented. I think it made her feel more important somehow, like she'd got one up on them. She'd say, "I used to be in catering so I know!" Dear Reader, she worked in a restaurant at a motorway service station.

She once sent back a baked potato claiming it was "stale" even though the baffled waitress told us they come frozen and she'd be getting another one the same. I secretly like to think they brought her the same one back out and she pronounced it up to her standards!

I hated going out for meals with her.

He sounds like a prat. He "thought about being a chef". 😂But he isn't a chef is he? Never trained or worked as one? Yet he thinks he knows better than a Michelin starred chef? I'd be embarrassed for him.

I have quite a few chef friends. Some of them even gained Michelin stars when they were the head chef. They love a chat about food and ingredients and all things cuisine when they're not in the middle of a busy service but honestly, the front of house staff will just think he's a dick. None of the chefs I know behave like him when they go out to eat. His behaviour would give me the ick.

Not always the case! I remember saying something when I was asked if everything was OK and I had been struggling to eat what I had ordered. It wasn't what I expected and I basically didn't like it. My fault, not the restaurant's!! And I was entirely truthful when asked. I got it exchanged for a different dish and only had to pay for the new one - not the one I sent back!! Chap was very nice about it too - but then so was I and very apologetic!

He stopped for a while because he knew it bothered me but he's back at it again
Remind him that it still bothers you.
My dad is a bit like this, not with restaurants but screaming at a driver who has cut him up or something. His shouting doesn't affect that driver at all but does utterly ruin the mood for everyone else.
Likewise the wait staff don't care if your DP likes the carrots or not but it's ruining you wanting to spend time with him over a meal. He needs to consider if that feedback or your enjoyment of the evening is more important to him.

But is there substance to the complaints?

Have you explained to him that when they ask "How was your meal?" they are just being polite and making sure there was nothing awful, like a hair in the food? It's like when an acquaintance or colleague asks how you are in passing, they don't actually want a full run down of your health, wellbeing and domestic situation.

I went to a meal with a group including my boss at the time, he ordered 6 wines and sent them back before he found one he was satisfied with. It was mortifying, although the wait staff tried not to show it. He clearly didn't know that once the bottle has been opened, you are offered to try the wine to ensure it's not corked. It's not a wine tasting session and you're expected to know which wine you want before you order, and no-one wanted to be the one to tell him.

Hopefully you can spare your husband (and yourself) any more embarrassment by teaching him that the waitress doesn't actually need to know if he thinks the sauce could have better complemented the carrots.

Yep, option1, why is his opinion so much more important than yours? If the meal was good, what's stopping you contradicting him and saying it was lovely?

well he isn't British

Ah. Tell him “how was your meal?” is basically the same as “how are you?”. It’s a perfunctory question, to which nobody is actually interested in the true answer, so “fine thanks” is usually the only acceptable answer…..!

MrsSunshine2b. Not to derail the thread but I thought ths purpose of been given a small bit of wine in the glass was to try it and see if you like it first before buying the whole bottle?

Mine’s same but opposite … won’t go anywhere “chain” of “run on a spreadsheet”
loves local ethnic type places.

If he likes it, asks waitstaff questions about the food and gets cross that they have no idea what they’re serving … then he will walk right into the kitchen to talk/pantomime with “chef” to find out how they make it.

He will approach other tables to ask what they are eating & if it’s “any good”.