Husband’s gym habit making me ill.

[RubyRedEye]

My husband has been getting up early to go to the gym. He likes that it’s empty and he hasn’t got to wait to use any of the machines.

The problem is that he is getting up at 4.30am.

He tries to be really quiet, but inevitably he is waking me up.

I really struggle to go back to sleep and I’m working full time as a teacher. I’m exhausted. I am also getting dreadful headaches throughout the day, because I’m so tired. I can barely concentrate.

His solution is that he sleeps in the living room. So that’s it? No more sleeping in the same bed. That’s really not what I wanted from a marriage. The idea makes me feel really sad and disconnected from him.

I asked him to go at a different time, but he also goes to the gym from 8-10pm every day, so unless he goes 6-10pm, there’s no other option. He works full time too.

I feel upset that there’s no compromise. He’s all about his health, his fitness, his wellbeing. Whilst mine is going down the pan. He might be able to function on 5 hours sleep a night, but I can’t.

Who is being unreasonable.

Does he even do anything in the evening session...there were so many poseurs at one gym I used to go to I changed.

@RubyRedEye twice a day is ott!

Get him to leave all his clothes/anything he needs of a morning in the bathroom/different room. So he wakes up and leaves the room straight away, to reduce any disturbance to you. Buy some good quality ear plugs (I use loop!) and hopefully he won’t wake you.
Im a teacher too and I worried over the summer hols that my bf would wake me every morning when he gets up at 7am for work, but I wore ear plugs and he left the room straight away and never once disturbed me.

He wants to sleep separately;has developed an interest in keeping fit.......

I'd wonder if he was really going to the gym at night

I don't think there's a big problem with people sleeping in different rooms if one wakes up mad early/works nights etc.
If he genuinely wants to go that early and sleeping on the couch enables him to do it without disturbing you then I think that's a good enough compromise.
The fact he also attends the gym every night as well though. It does seem a bit much? Is he into bodybuilding? Is he training for a boxing match/MMA fight? Is he trying to get into the Olympics? Otherwise I don't really see why someone needs to go gym for that length of time/frequency?
I'd be concerned he might be addicted to it, or even that he was using steroids/developing body dysmorphia etc.
That's the only part of it that would be worrying to me as long as let me sleep in the bed alone in peace!

Unless he’s a professional or training for an event two hours twice a day is excessive. I love the gym and fitness, but this is weird

Rude.

Is he training for the Olympics? I can't see any other reason for spending so many hours at the gym, pre-dawn and all evening until 10:00.
That is just so excessive, have you ever wondered why he would choose to be spending so many hours away, when he works full time? You must not have much time left to spend together. Is the gym far from your home? Does he spend time travelling to the gym? What is he in training for? How long has he done this for and does he plan to make it his new life style? No wonder you feel sad and disconnected, and it won't get any better if he keeps up this schedule.

Even I have never managed to spend more than two hours a day in the gym, what is he doing in there op??

CrossFit I imagine?

I do an early gym class 3 mornings a week before my husband gets up. I set the alarm for vibrate and all my clothes are outside in the hall, so essentially , i get up without lights and change in the main bathroom so as not to disturb him. It works.
on weekends my husband has to get up before me and does the same.

It really isn't your husbands fault if your a light sleeper. if his trying his best to be quite and quick, you need to chill and let your body get used to it.

Op. Do you mean it takes him 2 hours including travel, and getting ready/showered time? So possibly only a hour in the gym. Or 2 hours in gym itself plus all that on top)

He’s all about his health, his fitness, his wellbeing. Whilst mine is going down the pan. He might be able to function on 5 hours sleep a night, but I can’t

That little sleep (if that's what he does) would actively work against recovery between the workouts. You need recovery to actually build muscle, improve or maintain the cardiovascular system and output etc.

Is this an offshoot of orthorexia? But it's not food but what might be a clinical compulsion to exercise?

If OP's DH is exercising for 4hrs a day without a clear goal beyond exercising then I wonder if might recognise that he might benefit from a chat with a GP.

Is he super-fit?
Does he come home between gym and work?

If not, he’s having an affair.

This happened to my friend.

A pretty defensive response here. It drips with smugness over people who aren't "into fitness" as if we're ignorant fatties who can't fathom how it feels to enjoy sport.

With respect, it's not normal to engage in any hobby for more than 4 hours a day (emphasis on daily, not a weekend or 2x a week activity). Assuming you work for 8 hours, commute or cook for another 2 hours, then engaging in fitness for the remaining 4 hours is simply irresponsible, anti-social and disrespectful for others in your life. This pushes the burden of chores or errands onto someone else and also ignores the fact that your loved ones or children might actually want to spend time with you.

People who are that obsessively into fitness usually need it to cover up or cope with something else. Unless it's part of their job or they have a side hustle where staying fit is beneficial to income, then doing fitness for 4 hours daily simply because you "enjoy it" is not something that can be normalised.

Can you spend time looking for the same equipment to have at home?

Second hand or something.
X

I won't comment on the "is he going to the gym??" stuff, but if you wake and can't get back to sleep if your dh gets out of bed then you're stuffed when his prostate starts to play up, so probably best to deal with this now.

What is it do you think that's stopping you going back to sleep? Noise or just the fact you've woken up? If he'd got up to go to the loo would you go back to sleep then or be lying awake all night?

Is he a pro/pro-amateur athlete in some kind of sport where people usually have to work as well to fund their participation, or training for some kind of event that requires all those hours of training?

Was that something that he has done before you were together or is this new?

Feels relevant as to whether this is something that's a well established part of someone's lifestyle, new hobby enthusiasm, or a sign of potential checking out of the relationship. I've done pro-am competitive sport and it does require significant time and financial commitment. I used to cram my training into weekdays so I could have weekends off and sometimes it was training twice a day. Definitely a young person's game and not possible when you have a family, at least while kids are little.

Different people will have different ideas of what too much exercise/gym time is as well. I train 4-5 days a week, bootcamps or HIIT classes after work usually. My mum says that's excessive. But some people at my gym go morning and evening. Classes are only 45 mins mind - OP's hubby is there for 2hrs at a time by the sound of it.

If he's not a pro-am or training for an event twice a day feels excessive...I can totally understand wanting to go in the quiet hours, as gyms in peak time are horrible, but if he's an average Joe and not an athlete it sounds like it's overkill. Or something else going on...

It doesn't seem like he's getting enough sleep either .

I'm into fitness, and think 4 hours is excessive

So theres 6.5 hours between him ending one gym session and going off for another? Yeah, that's not happening. Get up after him and go to that gym...he's not gonna be there.

The only people I know that spend 4hrs a day in a gym are actors training to portray a superhero, professional athletes, PTs and men that use it as an excuse to have affairs.

Where's your 4 hours of leisure time a day OP? Regardless of the sleep issue, he's opting out of family life (whatever the size of your family).

He's either got a problematic obsession with his health or he is seeing another woman. Either way I think you need to speak to him because this isn't normal.

I don’t think his solution to waking you up is unreasonable. I get up at a similar time and if that was a problem for my DH I would sleep elsewhere. I would not stop going to the gym at a time that suited me because he didn’t like it.
However, going to the gym twice a day every day is excessive. I’m not going to lie I do go twice a day some days if I’m training for a comp. But it might be 2 days a week I’ll go twice and the rest once, with 1 rest day when I don’t go at all.
I think his training is excessive and impacting your relationship and that’s a problem. He doesn’t need to train that frequently and not only that he is likely over training which will have its own repercussions and he will end up injured or very poorly.
I think you need to speak to him and ask that he either picks mornings or evenings, not both, fits in one rest day and maybe one or 2 days goes twice but not every day