Husband’s gym habit making me ill.

[RubyRedEye]

My husband has been getting up early to go to the gym. He likes that it’s empty and he hasn’t got to wait to use any of the machines.

The problem is that he is getting up at 4.30am.

He tries to be really quiet, but inevitably he is waking me up.

I really struggle to go back to sleep and I’m working full time as a teacher. I’m exhausted. I am also getting dreadful headaches throughout the day, because I’m so tired. I can barely concentrate.

His solution is that he sleeps in the living room. So that’s it? No more sleeping in the same bed. That’s really not what I wanted from a marriage. The idea makes me feel really sad and disconnected from him.

I asked him to go at a different time, but he also goes to the gym from 8-10pm every day, so unless he goes 6-10pm, there’s no other option. He works full time too.

I feel upset that there’s no compromise. He’s all about his health, his fitness, his wellbeing. Whilst mine is going down the pan. He might be able to function on 5 hours sleep a night, but I can’t.

Who is being unreasonable.

He sounds a bit obsessed if he's going twice a day, every day. Who needs to spend 4 hours every day in a gym? You can't be spending much quality time together.

Have you been married long OP? This wouldn't be a marriage I'd sign up for either.

He goes to the gym that much!?

Yeah, when my exH was “going to the gym” every day at 6.30, he wasn’t.

Either he is addicted to exercise or he is using the " going to the gym" as a cover story for something else- probably another relationship.
Whatever he is or isn't doing he is not invested in your relationship at all. You don't seem to feature in his life. What is the point of your marriage OP?

I used to spend almost that much time exercising but I had an eating disorder at the time. It’s possible the OP’s husband has a mental health problem too. (Of course he might be lying about where he is).

I had a friend whose husband used to get dressed up, put on aftershave and go out to 'play squash' at 9pm every night. I would imagine it' was probably at the same 'gym'.

He’s offered to sleep on the sofa. Let him do that so that you are not disturbed. I don’t see what the issue is Op @RubyRedEye

Apart from what everyone else is saying about exercising excessively, I find it very selfish of him. Sleep deprivation is horrible, no wonder it's used as a form of torture.

I think the problem will solve itself soon, one way or the other. If he really exercises 4 hours every day, he will burn out soon or get injured, and stop going to the gym. If he goes somewhere else twice per day instead, you'll probably figure that out soon too.

I'm not sure I could spend my life with someone so self centred. Either he is not actually at the gym at least some of that time, or he actually is. Either way...

He's not going to the gym.

convert garage into a gym, or get him a man shed or find an alternative gym which is quieter - I find the ones in hotels/spa's are quieter

On the other hand, i would love my OH spending a few nights on the couch if it meant me getting a full nights sleep in the bed without his snoring 😂

He is getting a bit excessive though, could he not go for an hours run before work

Why can't he put everything he needs for the morning in another room so all he has to do in the morning is leave your bedroom and go, same as it would be if he went to the loo?! I do not see the problem here.

Some people do get addicted and obsessive over fitness. It's not a healthy way to be though, as even during bulking and shredding cycles, that is excessive and can cause injury and eventual burnout.
Has he said why he is working out so much? Even PTs I know, only go excessively leading upto body building comps, and even for them 4 hours a day sounds excessive.

No one in this world needs to spend 4 hours a day in the gym... 7 days a week I'm presuming?

He either needs to completely prep so he literally wakes up then leaves the room straight away, as not to wake you, or come to some other agreement about his gym hours.

I wouldn't want to never sleep in the same bed as my husband either.

That is absolutely nuts, and certainly not healthy unless he's actually a professional athlete ( or aiming to be)

You don't have much life with him if every evening is also spent at the gym. I couldn't tolerate that, let alone being woken up at 4.30 every day.

I doubt he is going to the gym 4 hours a day, unless that’s his actual job.

Yeah, fuck that. He gets to opt out of family life for four hours a day and ruin your sleep? No. He needs to compromise sensibly.

I think there are other issues rather than him just going to the gym. Going for 4 hours every day and choosing to sleep in the living room is not normal. He needs to be more honest with you, he's not acting as if he's in a relationship with you.

When some people learn to lie well, they try to kept the lie as close to the truth as possible. This makes it easier to remember and to ‘prove’ true when it isn’t. I would guess he’s going to the gym, but there is an element of deceit involved.

*EDIT TO ADD: I’ve worked out 6 days a week for over a decade. So I somewhat understand commitment to a routine. But this is still strange behaviour.

It's not normal or healthy to spend 4 hours a day at the gym. That is a completely unnecessary level of exercise unless you are a professional athlete, which I assume he is not.

It sounds like you already don't spend any time together because he's at the gym every evening, and then on top of that he is wrecking your sleep by getting up at 4:30.

Does he do any housework? Childcare?

If I were you I'd let him sleep in the living room and give some serious thought to the long term future of your marriage.

Unless he is training for the next Olympics then that is ridiculous.

You two need to have a sit down and really reflect on the balance of what is happening at home. You are becoming the default parent and housekeeper and as long as you are at home everything else will be covered. If he isn't having an affair or going to X Anonymous or similar then you have to redraw your expectations for parenting, chores, work and free time for both of you otherwise affair or not it'll end in divorce.

You don't see what the issue is with a married couple sleeping in separate rooms for the foreseeable future?

It sounds like he's got a bit of a gym addiction to be honest... that amount of gym - well, that amount of anything is obsessive.

There is a compromise though - he sleeps downstairs - you just don't want it.