Husband’s gym habit making me ill.

[RubyRedEye]

My husband has been getting up early to go to the gym. He likes that it’s empty and he hasn’t got to wait to use any of the machines.

The problem is that he is getting up at 4.30am.

He tries to be really quiet, but inevitably he is waking me up.

I really struggle to go back to sleep and I’m working full time as a teacher. I’m exhausted. I am also getting dreadful headaches throughout the day, because I’m so tired. I can barely concentrate.

His solution is that he sleeps in the living room. So that’s it? No more sleeping in the same bed. That’s really not what I wanted from a marriage. The idea makes me feel really sad and disconnected from him.

I asked him to go at a different time, but he also goes to the gym from 8-10pm every day, so unless he goes 6-10pm, there’s no other option. He works full time too.

I feel upset that there’s no compromise. He’s all about his health, his fitness, his wellbeing. Whilst mine is going down the pan. He might be able to function on 5 hours sleep a night, but I can’t.

Who is being unreasonable.

Going to the gym my arse. Even if he is, it's still a massive problem. His "compromise" is totally dismissing your feelings and marriage. He intends to never share a bed with you (except presumably on his terms and when it suits) and he's basically never home. I'm amazed some posters think this is OK - because it really isn't.

I sleep much better when dh is away. Doesn't mean I love him any less or there's anything wrong with our marriage.

Four hours a day in the gym every day - he's not going down either the alpha-bro or wellness-bro blackhole is he? Neither of those are healthy when it becomes an obsession.

His gym is an obsession, not a hobby.

I'd compromise and say TWO mornings a week and he sleeps on the sofa, but ultimately you have to ask yourself what you're getting from this relationship, and when do you actually see each other.

I'm all for fitness, but if I spent 4 hours a day in the gym on top of my teaching job then there would be no time left for anything else!

Is your DH permanently away by any chance?

He ain't going to the gym.

He is going to injure himself being in the gym 4 hours every day. That's not reasonable or healthy. Rest days are important too.

Personally I'd be worried he wasn't actually going to the gym.

I would give the sleeping separately a try. My DH and I have been sleeping separately for about 2 years, I co sleep with toddler DS in his room and my DH sleeps in “our” room. We still spend the evenings together, watch tv in bed in our room and whatever else… it’s literally when it’s time for lights out and roll over to go to sleep that we separate. It’s absolutely fine it makes no difference. Unless yous are waking up in the middle of the night and having wild sex all night I can’t see how it would make a difference. Also he will probably get sick of sleeping on the couch and it make might him reconsider his gym routine!

Agreed. The small groups of people who do would include:

• Olympic hopefuls
• body builders and power lifters preparing for competition
• people dodging family life or the relationship.

OP might be able to clarify which is the most plausible here.

Are we talking Crossfit, OP? Because there's something about it that seems to turn ordinary, reasonable people into obsessive monsters.

He's being unreasonable, of course he is. Anyone who has a hobby that takes up four hours of his day every day and involves waking up the rest of the household needlessly at 4.30am is being unreasonable. The four hours in the gym each day would be enough to make me want to file for divorce. What happens at the weekends? Do you see anything of him at all?

I'd be extremely concerned about being in a relationship with anyone who had such an obsessive side to their personality. You need a partner who can compromise and isn't solely focussed on themselves. What hope can you have of being happy with a selfish partner? I really don't think it bodes well for a long and rewarding future together. And there's also the possibility that he's meeting up with someone else. Perhaps that early in the morning it's easier for them to find somewhere quiet to be together without fear of interruption. Can you follow him out one day and see who he's meeting? Sorry.

OP - so much wrong in this small post. Firstly, 4 hours a day at the gym. Forget sleeping together when do you have time to enjoy a meal, a morning coffee/chat, snuggle on sofa, go to cinema/pub/for a walk together? I presume no kids? When does he do his share of housework? Either your husband has some kind of addiction to exercise or an eating disorder, or he is lying and the gym is a cover for an affair. Either way, he is not putting any effort into the marriage and if it doesn’t change I’m not sure it’s a viable relationship for you.

Your husband is exercising 4 hours a day and must be getting less than 6 hours sleep a day himself. That isn’t healthy. When do you get to spend an evening together? I think you need a conversation with him about that as well as your sleep.

Hmm, so he goes to the gym for four hours every day and he is happy to move to sleeping on the sofa in order to keep this up, rather than compromise so that he can spend more time at home with you?

I don't think the lack of sleep is the real issue here.

If it's a new habit it's likely to die a death within 3 months so I wouldn't worry too much, he simply won't be able to sustain it.

Is he training for something specific? he's only at home between 10pm and 4am?
you sure it's the gym he's at?

Yeah, I'm calling bullshit on this. Particularly as he doesn't sound bothered about sleeping in the lounge so not in a proper bed and away from his partner. I suspect there is someone else involved and he is thinking with his penis.

What's the point of him if he's never around?

Hi I wonder if anyone can suggest anything please? My Miele washing machine doesn’t clean the clothes very well - I used to use halo sports wash so it got rid of the smell of anything sweaty but now I can’t seem to get that. It’s a washer dryer I’ve run clean cycle, I’ve emptied all water in condenser section, cleaned the rim of the door… Is there anything else I can do? What is the minimum temp I should wash anything remotely sweaty please? Thank you in the hope of some miracle solution. Clare

Is he training for a specific event because that’s a lot of gym volume. Have a friend who recently completed an iron man and that pretty much sounded like his yearly training but out swimming, biking, running.

If it’s for gen pop then I’d say it’s excessive and can lead to central nervous system overload.

I‘m afraid I think the couch solution is the only way forward to save your sanity and health.

Is he a pro athlete? Final months before an iron man? Average person really don't need to go to the gym twice a day for 2x2h work outs. However, him sleeping on the sofa is a good compromise for the sleeping issue. However, that's not the core issue here.

This man is in love with himself!
I would match his energy and focus all my time and effort on myself if I were in your shoes op.

Some years ago I was on a work trip and the company put us up in a somewhat grimy hotel because they were cheapskates. On the same floor as my room there was someone who was likely professing as a sex worker. She was visited at all hours by a variety of men, most of them were wearing gym attire and carrying giant gym bags- probably the excuse they gave to their wives.

I do. I get up at 5 and go before work and go again on the way back.

However, as well as exercising myself I also teach some of the gym classes.

My partner gets up for the gym (he teaches classes there) around 4.30am but he has a wrist watch that vibrates to wake him so there is no sound, and most of the time I don't hear him. He sets his bowl and spoon out for breakfast the night before so he's not rattling around in the cupboards in the morning, and he leaves his clothes in the hallway so he isn't faffing around in the wardrobe. If I am really tired and need completely undisturbed sleep I sleep in the spare room sometimes, and I don't mind that. Its his job. And he's home usually from 3pm onwards so is there to help with childcare / household stuff.

But 4 hours per day, Jesus Christ. When do you actually see each other? This is a relationship problem, not a sleep problem.

Plenty of couples don't share rooms but I get that that's not what you want. You have to prioritise your sleep first and foremost though OP even over the marriage, so if he won't budge...