Husband’s gym habit making me ill.

[RubyRedEye]

My husband has been getting up early to go to the gym. He likes that it’s empty and he hasn’t got to wait to use any of the machines.

The problem is that he is getting up at 4.30am.

He tries to be really quiet, but inevitably he is waking me up.

I really struggle to go back to sleep and I’m working full time as a teacher. I’m exhausted. I am also getting dreadful headaches throughout the day, because I’m so tired. I can barely concentrate.

His solution is that he sleeps in the living room. So that’s it? No more sleeping in the same bed. That’s really not what I wanted from a marriage. The idea makes me feel really sad and disconnected from him.

I asked him to go at a different time, but he also goes to the gym from 8-10pm every day, so unless he goes 6-10pm, there’s no other option. He works full time too.

I feel upset that there’s no compromise. He’s all about his health, his fitness, his wellbeing. Whilst mine is going down the pan. He might be able to function on 5 hours sleep a night, but I can’t.

Who is being unreasonable.

I'd eat my hat if there isn't another woman.

Obviously this is not a man you have children with as he's not around enough to be a parent.

Secondly, do you think he has a gym crush/affair partner which is why he's there so often and doesn't want to sleep with you?

Is he doing steroids or any other performance enhancing drugs? It seems very strange that he can work out so much on so little sleep 🤷‍♀️

4 hours of gym, FT work and a telling disregard for your comfort, health and wellbeing

I’m hazarding a guess that as a teacher, you end up facilitating this lifestyle with free labour, housekeeping and cooking.

Yes, coupled with the fact he’s suggested sleeping on the sofa every night.

He works full time, gets up at 4:30 am to go to the gym every day and then he also spends a further two hours in the gym every day from 8pm to 10pm?

And he does this because he's worried about his health, fitness and wellbeing?

Speaking as a male who is also worried about his health, fitness and wellbeing, I'd suggest that - unless he's a successful professional bodybuilder or professional sportsman raking in millions each year - that he's mentally ill.

Sorry - but he's bonkers...

Wow, thank you for the responses. I only got so far, so I’ll try to give context. Apologies if this is classed as drip feeding. I wanted to try to keep the original post reasonably succinct, as ok I didn’t think I’d get much interest.

But, we’ve been together over 20 years and are in our 40s. Children are now adults and don’t live at home. So no kids to look after.

DH is in fairly good shape. Not brilliant. But not the worst. He recently got a promotion at work and needs to wear a suit. His suits didn’t fit and he didn’t want to buy new, so started to eat better and go to the gym. An event in work is coming up and lime light will be on him, so this got him working out harder and he stopped having meals instead opting for protein shakes and raw eggs.

He does an hour of walking uphill on the treadmill, and then an hour to do weights. He pauses between sets. He then repeats this in the evening. The two hours probably includes the time taken to get to and from the gym.

He leaves in his kit, with a bottle of water, a towel and his headphones. No bag. He comes home in the same, but stinking and soaking wet. He’s rank.

In the morning he does leave everything downstairs and is as quiet as possible, but it’s him getting up that wakes me. I’m just sensitive to his movement.

To respond to some of the other questions, we both get home from work around 4.30, so we have some evening time together watching TV or something before he leaves for the gym around 8pm. He does help with housework etc. no complaints there. He’ll throw laundry in before going to the gym and hang it out on return.

He has started to turn the garage into a gym already, but equipment is expensive. So it’s slow progress.

He takes Saturday off from the gym and lets me choose what we’re doing, takes me out etc.

I don’t think he’s a bad man and I don’t think affair. He doesn’t keep his phone secret or anything and I am always rooting through his car or using it, so nothing to see there.

I think he feels more exposed at work due to his new role and is up against some men who are particularly smart and fit looking, so he feels under pressure to look this way too perhaps?

No, I love sleeping in bed with him and cuddling. He’s never been away a night and I know I’d miss his presence. But I just can’t do these mornings. I’d be happy for him to continue his evening gym trips, I might even go with him.

Thank you all for the reply’s.

@ComtesseDeSpair

it wouldn't for me, just the act of you getting out of bed would wake me, even though I'd appreciate your consideration.

a LOT more considerate than EX DH who would set several alarms then decide not to bother going for a run after all 🤬🤬

TWO gym sessions a day? Something smells fishy to me. Is he training for bodybuilding professionally or something?

I know people who go to the gym twice a day but not every day.
Is he training for something?

If he is genuinely at the gym, he needs to be more respectful of the impact its having on you. Whilst his health might be good, his behaviour in getting there is not good for you.

Wants to sleep on the sofa because of 4 hours gym every day? Pull the other one

If he’s training for muscle growth he’s over training. Your muscles need rest to grow. That’s where the magic happens. He’s over training and is going to end up injured.
On the days I train twice I might be doing a weights session in the morning and an interval run in the evening. Not the same thing twice. That’s madness and frankly shows he hasn’t got a clue what he’s doing.

See if he can book a session or 2 with a PT for some education if nothing else

I think he’ll have to sleep in the living room for now. Is there a possibility of gym time paring down once he reaches his target weight?

You can at least still share a bed on a Friday night.

I’m not automatically thinking “affair” I must say.

Isnt he exhausted too with all that gym time early and late?

An event in work is coming up and lime light will be on him

Has he won an oscar?

He should be doing fasted cardio in the mornings and a weights session in the evenings 4 times a week.

What he's doing isn't correct and just wasting time and energy.

So he works full time and goes to the gym twice daily?
Sounds like it won’t make that much difference if he does sleep on the sofa because he’s obviously checked out of family life a while ago!

Why can't OP have something go her way? Her H is getting everything his way.
4 hours in the gym each day is not healthy it's obsessive and it's wrecking the marriage.
He needs to compromise properly.

Word!

Would you be happy with a solution where your husband is spending 4 hours a day in the gym and puts that above your marriage?

Surely the obvious solution is to cut down on the gym visits.

That’s a lot of gym time. I sometimes sleep in the spare room due to my health issues but will come back in bed for cuddle (if dh hasn’t gone gym early - but that’s twice a week for him).

@RubyRedEye it's hard when one of you gets a new hobby and the other isn't as into it. Sounds like he's become insecure about how he looks and he's overtraining thinking more is better. It is a common rookie mistake, but can lead to injuries and exhaustion. Is he open to working with a PT so he can learn to work smarter, not just harder/longer?

Any reason why he can't just get up 90 minutes later and then go for a 30 minute run/fast walk rather than drive to gym and spend an hour walking on the treadmill? He could then focus on lifting in the pm sessions 4 or 5 days a week.

He goes to the gym for 3-4 hours a day ???? That can't be good for someone to work out that much ? Are you sure he is actually at the gym at all ?

I think he spending too much time in the gym - I think he needs advice about his training schedule including diet. The early start are likely to be ruining his fitness goals.

I had a friend who got super into gym and diet stuff in his 40s. Was working really hard doing long hours at work, at the gym loads, getting obsessive about lean, high protein meals.

He died suddenly - possibly suicide, possibly an accidental od of some prescribed medications, exacerbated by malnutrition.

Four hours a day at the gym is not healthy. Even if he doesn't get totally obsessive like my friend and risk his health that way, overtraining is not the best way to a healthy mind and body.

@RubyRedEye

He sounds like a decent bloke having a bit of a confidence crisis.

Like you, it's just the 'getting out of bed' that would wake me.

I agree with others, he needs to do a few sessions with a GOOD PT who can give him a personal plan for what he wants to achieve. It's not about doing 'more' it's about doing it properly. He's not getting the most out of the time he's spending.

He won't need to spend 4 hours a day to essentially 'get in shape'. He can easily cut out/down morning sessions.