Husband’s gym habit making me ill.

[RubyRedEye]

My husband has been getting up early to go to the gym. He likes that it’s empty and he hasn’t got to wait to use any of the machines.

The problem is that he is getting up at 4.30am.

He tries to be really quiet, but inevitably he is waking me up.

I really struggle to go back to sleep and I’m working full time as a teacher. I’m exhausted. I am also getting dreadful headaches throughout the day, because I’m so tired. I can barely concentrate.

His solution is that he sleeps in the living room. So that’s it? No more sleeping in the same bed. That’s really not what I wanted from a marriage. The idea makes me feel really sad and disconnected from him.

I asked him to go at a different time, but he also goes to the gym from 8-10pm every day, so unless he goes 6-10pm, there’s no other option. He works full time too.

I feel upset that there’s no compromise. He’s all about his health, his fitness, his wellbeing. Whilst mine is going down the pan. He might be able to function on 5 hours sleep a night, but I can’t.

Who is being unreasonable.

That's a lovely update OP. It sounds like you're both trying to compromise - you with the cooking and giving him the food he wants and him with not going out early and waking you up and you also deciding to come with him to the gym some evenings.

I hope it all works out.

I'd really suggest some coaching to help him understand his image and what makes a great leader and visionary. It can make such a huge difference. As he's got a promotion it can really kick in a version of impostor syndrome where the person thinks they need to 'prove' something - am I worth it? Why did they give it to me? I'll show them, I'll prove to them I'm worth it. All this sort of stuff. He'd do so well to have a few sessions with an executive coach who works with business professionals to help him with his emotional intelligence and his internal and external view of himself in work.

He could even ask at his work for some sessions - if there is any budget to pay for this or if they can recommend any executive coaches for him to look at himself. It can make the world of difference.

@RubyRedEye excellent update.

"...and gets up to go again at 4:30am? Nah. I wouldn’t buy it."

I would. I know from personal experience. Not so much the every day thing, but certainly in the evenings and then early mornings.

In a way, I can really understand the early morning thing. Have you ever gone out running shortly before sunrise? There's something about going out while it's still dark and coming back with it just starting to get light. Everything looks quite different at that time of the morning.

So even if you go straight to bed without doing anything else, you’ve got a maximum of 6 hours before it’s time to go back to the gym. What about fueling your body, showering and dressing/undressing? Mad.

"Ive cooked his tea the last two days. He had..."

That sounds soooo much better than what he was living on before.

"No, but he has lost a lot of weight in a short time ... I’ll be going with him in the evenings. His invitation. It’ll do me good I figured, and it’ll give us more time together."

Another thing I would really emphasise is to perhaps look at getting a really good personal trainer. Not all personal trainers are so good.

A few years ago the actress Gemma Atkinson (was on Hollyoaks and then Strictly Come Dancing in 2017 - currently engaged to a former professional dancer from Strictly, Gorka Márquez) did a couple of videos with a personal trainer in Manchester.

There are personal trainers, then there are personal trainers; their recommendation, four days at 45 minutes in the gym and then an hour at home on your bike or running. I think it's really worthwhile listening to what she says in this first video:

Gemma Atkinson's 12-Week Fat Loss Journey: Celebrity Transformations

or maybe this one?

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or I also found this Q&A interesting as well:

Or, talking about Strictly, Ellie Leach, who won last year also used a personal trainer:

Well that's a great result and a good idea well done you x

Happy for you OP! You two sound like a nice couple. Well done for having the courage to initiate a hard conversation

Like many others here, I think that there's more than the gym going on. Whether it's an affair or just doing things on his own, by demanding four hours a day away from you outside of his work hours, he's being the very definition of unreasonable. If he actually is going to the gym for four hours every day "for his health", and by doing so wrecking your physical and mental health, then he's also the definition of selfish and downright nasty.

You must be brutally honest with him and tell him about the terrible effects his behaviour is having on you. If he's unwilling to scrap two of those four "gym" hours after hearing what you've told us here, then I see no other alternative but to start divorce proceedings.

Went to the gym with him last night. 8.30 to 10.22!

It was empty and I actually had a great time and enjoyed myself. Felt really good after, so I can see the appeal!

Took a proof photo!

Feeling so much better now. Thank you all. Having a lovely day with him today - he’s just popped to the loo, so have to be quick x

Forgot to mention, that’ll be my last post. I am so grateful for all of the support.

All the best xx

Good to read. Best of luck.

I'm very glad this has a happy ending :)

You can't really be a teacher. No teacher can go to the gym at that time on a Friday 😂

At after 8:30 at night?! She said she is always home from work at 4:30

Does not fit into the narrative of teachers being the only busy profession though 🫤

He has an addiction and is incredibly selfish to spend 4 hours in the gym and neglect your relationship.
so now you are alone and exhausted!

She isn’t. Read her posts.

I have big problems with going back to sleep and I can't stress enough how much an eye mask has helped.

And taking this: Jarrow PS100

Walking, even uphill, even at some speed, doesn't burn many calories. He'd get odd looks for walking for an hour at a time on the treadmill at my gym. You usually walk on it to warm up for 5-10 minutes, then transfer to a more efficient form of exercise or start running.

This is nonsense though - incline walking is a great form of exercise and very popular. Look up 12-3-30. I do about 45 minutes to an hour.

I’d say the gym is an issue who goes to the gym 4 hours a day? Is this every day? Are you sure he doesn’t have another family somewhere 🤣

Why don't people read the updates? So annoying.

Glad it turned out well, OP!

In the gym twice a day? That’s a bit… interesting. Has it always been like this since you guys got married? Does he look super ripped since he has been working out so much? I know my husband went to the gym twice a day (an hour in the morning and 1 hour in the evening) but that was when he was training to go into the Army. My family have our locations on with each other on our phone so when there’s an emergency we know where to look for them. That’s a perfect way to start to see if he’s actually going to the gym.

...

Good on him for putting so much effort in to improve something he isn't happy with, and good on you both for figuring out a way to compromise.

All these opinions about "how you should look" if you spend 4 hours a day in the gym are utterly ludicrous. Weight loss via exercise is incredibly difficult and takes a ton of effort. Endorphins are addictive.