Husband’s gym habit making me ill.

[RubyRedEye]

My husband has been getting up early to go to the gym. He likes that it’s empty and he hasn’t got to wait to use any of the machines.

The problem is that he is getting up at 4.30am.

He tries to be really quiet, but inevitably he is waking me up.

I really struggle to go back to sleep and I’m working full time as a teacher. I’m exhausted. I am also getting dreadful headaches throughout the day, because I’m so tired. I can barely concentrate.

His solution is that he sleeps in the living room. So that’s it? No more sleeping in the same bed. That’s really not what I wanted from a marriage. The idea makes me feel really sad and disconnected from him.

I asked him to go at a different time, but he also goes to the gym from 8-10pm every day, so unless he goes 6-10pm, there’s no other option. He works full time too.

I feel upset that there’s no compromise. He’s all about his health, his fitness, his wellbeing. Whilst mine is going down the pan. He might be able to function on 5 hours sleep a night, but I can’t.

Who is being unreasonable.

Um, why does everyone seem to think this person actually spends four hours a day working out (which would indeed be extreme)? Going to the gym entails driving there, checking in, changing clothes, storing belongings etc - that's easily half an hour or more, depending on how far away you live. Then he works out for what still seems like a long time, but less than four hours! Then half an hour or more, again, to cool down or stretch, shower/dry off/dry hair/change/get kit together/check out/drive home...

Ew. My house rules for sofa sleepers is mattress protector, sheets, bed pillow. Exactly - stains, body smells, drool

He goes twice a day?? Wtf???

I don’t read it that OP is looking for a solution, just a bit of compromise and a partner who doesn’t make his own welfare the top priority. Tbh, the tone of your answer makes me think you’re a bloke.

He is literally having it ALL his way.. what sort of relationship is that..all he does is work and go to the gym then sleep on the couch. OP has expressed her feelings and he hasn't changed anything, sure he can go to the gym but 2 times every day when he's obviously ruining the relationship? He's the one who needs to compromise

He goes 4 hours a day - that’s ridiculous. I can see why you are pissed

Is it just me that doesn't think getting up at 4.30 even is that early for a full time working adult?! What time would you want to be getting up? As long as you healthy and are getting 6 hours it shouldn't be making you ill, surely?!

OP has his GP OKed this extreme training and fasting regime?
He might like to check that out.

Losing weight too fast can be bad fur health. And there's always heart attack etc risks. I don't like to think he's risking his health for his vanity. It's good he's shaping up but unless under doctors orders I'd be worried. Training with a PT is a good idea to get the maximum safely.

He is being an idiot. Just buy a new suit or a second hand one on vinted. He is going to make his back really bad with this much exercise. No fool like a middle aged fool…..

I understand sleep issues vary hugely but the OP has said she can sleep alone, and would stay asleep if he slept elsewhere on the mornings he went to the gym, but she just doesn't want to.

Regardless of his questionable gym habits, he has said he has sciatica and it is painful to stay in bed, so even if he disbands going to the gym, he will probably still frequently wake up early and need to move about and not return to bed. This will still wake OP up.

The OPs husband has said he'll sleep on the sofa as not to wake OP even though he would prefer to stay in the bed. Others on the thread have pointed out this will make his sciatica worse if he sleeps on the sofa and not in a bed. There are 2 other empty beds in this house because the children are at university but the OP says her children would go nuts if her husband dared to use either of these beds in their marital home.

So the OPs husband can't win. He is in pain and needs to get up and move about on a morning and laying down causes him pain but the OPs issue is that if he starts the night asleep in their bed and wakes up early and doesn't return she can't get back to sleep.

The obvious solution is that the OPs husband uses one of the spare beds but the OP sees this as catastrophic for their marriage even though the sleep disturbances are causing her to have migraines, and affecting her ability to perform at work where she's responsible for a number of children, their welfare and safety and performance.

I'm very sympathetic to the OPs sleep issues because migraines are disabling. I couldn't be responsible for my own welfare and safety when I'm having a migraine attack, never mind a class full of children, this is why I just can't wrap my head round why she's not saying you sleep in this bed, I'll sleep in that bed, and on a Friday and Saturday night we can lay together and cuddle. I just don't understand why the husband has to sleep in the same bed. It seems to be all about what she wants and not what they collectively need.

It sounds so excessive, the time spent in the gym but it sounds like for a lot of it he's just walking on the treadmill. So he's massively disrupting your life for something that's not even going to achieve any dramatic physical results.

I’ve read all of your posts op. YANBU

Sounds like my dad, very obsessive, has several times eaten nothing but potatoes for breakfast lunch and tea for weeks to lose weight, becomes obsessed with ‘hobbies’ like running, or hockey or karate for periods of time before disregarding them to move on to something else. No advice except wait until he gets bored of going to the gym.

Gym/ exercise is addictive. The endorphins. I get it, from his perspective. But also from yours too. I read that more than 45 mins exercise of muscle workout is unproductive. Maybe research that and present it to him carefully. It’s a toughie. You don’t want resentment on either side, but likewise him going to the settee is a downward spiral. Take it from me, I sent my partner to the spare room because I couldn't sleep and it wasn’t too long later that we split up.

Anyone who is knowledgeable about training would tell you that going to the gym or training generally every day even if only once a day is dead wrong- he's headed for trouble there, physically. Even serious athletes are wary of overtraining, it damages your physical health and puts you at high risk of injury and other serious health problems. The body needs a break to recover from training. You can also totally wreck your immune system if you overtrain. He needs to get some proper advice about training.
It is also possible to become mentally addicted to 'training'. If he is, he definitely needs help to stop it.
[edit- the sciatica won't be helped by training unless he's doing exactly the right exercises in exactly the right way, it may be the cause of it or be aggravating it if it was pre-existing. It could be as simple as that he needs inserts in his shoes for walking/running, I do, or I get knee and back trouble. I think it might be useful to get a physio or or back specialist to check it out if he is willing to try that- they should also be able to give advice on exercising in such a way as to help it and not make it worse. (Personally, though I know it's not for everyone, I go to a chiropractor for my back, though mine is also a fully qualified physio- he has dealt with leg and shoulder trouble very effectively as well as keeping my back in good nick after some serious previous back/hip/pelvis trouble. If he has sciatica, he could be in a lot of pain, which doesn't help anyone think straight.

After all this, it may have cheaper for him to buy new suits, especially if he is turning the garage into a gym 😬

He needs to go to a smaller, local weight/power lifting gym
They will be emptier than a chain and more free weights and friendly folk around to spot and help etc
Maybe he can watch the broscience vids on the most effective exercises?
Pilates and swimming excellent for sciatica, maybe you could go together in the evening
Or treat each other to a couples spa day from Groupon. I buy DH sports massages from the local college - much cheaper and still very professional

I would suggest that the reason you can't get back to sleep once disturbed is not because you were disturbed, but because the reason you were disturbed (excessive gym use) is really annoying. I agree with everyone else - he's not working out for 4 hrs a day. Maybe not an affair, maybe just socialising/hanging out? Not great tbh

That's ridiculously early and can't be good for him. But equally it's up to him. Can't he get up quietly ie prepare his stuff the night before downstairs and sneak downstairs.

He has a problem. Gym addiction. Not for me!

Hi OP, I’m a bit late to this thread and it sounds like you’ve already got a possible solution with your DH. But just in case that doesn’t work have you thought about going to bed really early so that you’ve got your 8hrs sleep in by 4:30am? As someone who worked very early shifts in bakeries for years I can empathise with the disruption not having enough sleep can cause. But if you are willing to adjust try going to bed at (for example) 8:30pm, then you can have your hubby back in bed with you and get enough sleep so you don’t feel sick. Maybe join him at the gym for the early session and get fit to boot? I know partners of baker colleagues who did this (even on days off so as not to mess with their body’s sleep cycles), and actually found it worked really well. Once your body clock adjusts it’s not that bad, it’s just the chopping and changing that messes you up. Just a thought…

Really? You see no issue if your partner was getting up at 4.30am every morning to go to the gym, then going again every evening for 2 hours then sleeping on the sofa every night after working a full day's work...meaning you never see them or sleep with them?

"I do think the sciatica is a concern and this I’m going to book him a PT and perhaps encourage him to see try e GP again."

He needs a physio referral. If he's exercising frantically despite an injury (the sciatica means he has an injury) he could be doing long term damage. He needs a physio and a personal trainer. Doing this kind of thing without help/advice can result in genuine harm.

OP, you have my total sympathy. My DH did similar (he's as tight as a gnats arse so he runs) 8 years ago after a pulmonary embolism; he was 47 then, so I think a classis mid life crisis. He gets up at 5am every day except Saturday. He then has no energy to do anything useful after work and its caused endless arguments.
I'm at the end of my tether.