Husband’s gym habit making me ill.

[RubyRedEye]

My husband has been getting up early to go to the gym. He likes that it’s empty and he hasn’t got to wait to use any of the machines.

The problem is that he is getting up at 4.30am.

He tries to be really quiet, but inevitably he is waking me up.

I really struggle to go back to sleep and I’m working full time as a teacher. I’m exhausted. I am also getting dreadful headaches throughout the day, because I’m so tired. I can barely concentrate.

His solution is that he sleeps in the living room. So that’s it? No more sleeping in the same bed. That’s really not what I wanted from a marriage. The idea makes me feel really sad and disconnected from him.

I asked him to go at a different time, but he also goes to the gym from 8-10pm every day, so unless he goes 6-10pm, there’s no other option. He works full time too.

I feel upset that there’s no compromise. He’s all about his health, his fitness, his wellbeing. Whilst mine is going down the pan. He might be able to function on 5 hours sleep a night, but I can’t.

Who is being unreasonable.

@RubyRedEye As everyone else has said, these are some really great updates.

"I feel that communication has only been possible this evening, one because I had the confidence in what to say to him from reading advice. Two because he saw me upset and crying. Three because it came to a head."

Often, the truth of a situation only really does come out when things come to a head.

If I may add another couple of points.

"and as I mentioned, he’s stopped eating proper food. For tea tonight he will have a protein shake, with about 4 eggs in it, raw."

The fasting may only be temporary but, from what you have said, he may wish to carry on eating like this.

My DH went through something similar a few years ago (although, he was mid 50s back then)

I found two books really helpful in this respect. They're both on Amazon.

The first is Principles of Body Transformation Meal Plan Design by Nick Mitchell & Jonathan Taylor, £24.99. This goes into lots of details about calculating the amount of protein and fat etc you need to eat each day to reach your goals. This is a lot more about the theory of it.

To be totally frank, that book goes into a lot of detail. If you're just interested in finding some recipes that give you the right sort of mix of protein, fats and carbohydrates etc then I found another book of his, The Ultimate Performance Cookbook.

I've just checked on Amazon and this is no longer available there but if you google it then it is still available from their own website for £19.99.

I really can recommend this cookbook and I'll post a couple of recipes from it below.
.
.

I would also totally agree with everyone else here who has said that going to the gym every day of the week is not the way to do things. Especially what @PeggyMitchellsCameo said yesterday. Especially this part:

"He also said that a healthy diet is the key component. While exercise is useful, a balanced diet is the most important component."

Having said that, when it comes to personal trainers; there are PTs and then there are PTs. Some are great, some less so. Some will happily just put your DH on cardio equipment for an hour and just sit back and take the money for standing next to them.

You need somebody that will design a proper programme for them based on their own starting point and goals.

Absent such a PT then maybe have a look at some books? Just one example is Your Ultimate Body Transformation Plan: Get into the best shape of your life – in just 12 weeks, currently £6.99 on Amazon.

Below are a couple of pages from that book.

My own DH a few years ago ended up going to a very expensive PT and that did make a real difference for him - I even ended going along as well and it made a huge difference to me as well.

But that was incredibly expensive, the books I mentioned above are a cheaper way of doing things.

Here are some recipes from the cookbook and I may have to attach the images from the exercise book in another post (sometimes you're limited as to how many images you can attach)

"Have it all your own way"? She deserves to have it least slightly her own way. There would be no problem if he were not insanely obsessed with the damn gym. Unless he is a successful competitive athlete, rather than slightly mad.

This is from the book on exercise that I mentioned

Buy a new bed with separate support zones. Firm mattress. We changed ours as DH sometimes gets up in the night to sit up for a while and was waking me too.

First off my partner gets up 4.45 every morning for work, puts all his stuff downstairs and the alarm is as low as possible to avoid waking me as I do ten hour shifts working till 7pm.
secondly when do you actually have time together to do things as a couple?
him offering to sleep downstairs says more about him than anything and is certainly the way to end your marriage and if he’s putting 4 hours into the gym and 9 hours at work with travel back and 2 and sleeping he’s running dry for time with you.

So pleased you managed to have a chat OP, that's great.

Definitely see if he'll got back to the GP about his sciatica. I would also take up his suggestion to go to the gym with him, maybe look at membership at a gym that also suits you (sauna, pool, classes, nice cafe!). Then you could so some stuff together but when you've had enough, pop for a swim until he's finished?

You know something, I wouldn't be worrying too much right now

Hes hit middle age, hes realised that hes not as young and as fit as he thought he was so hes going hell for leather to prove to himself he still has it

Least its the gym and not wanting a motorbike :)

I may sound flippant but Ive been there and got the t-shirt . Now DH is going through his 60's and now the worries are cholesterol and prostate and Im being mithered with him saying he cant eat this that and the other, needs to do this that and the other - and finding my car covered in pastry flakes where he sneaking in the sausage rolls

Myself personally would be grateful we weren't sharing a bed, between his night sweats ( yes men get them) and my menopause insomnia , it works

But our private lives haven't ended. We have nights where we snuggle and share a bed, we have wild afternoons on the sofa. But after 35 years together we accept we dont want to do the same stuff together . We do have long periods where we arent living a honeymoon period ,but thats ok as well cos we are very much a couple who give each other space. He likes to be in bed at 10, could be or 4 am before Im ready to sleep. Im up crack of dawn and ready to go - he likes to lie on

Its me who's the exercise junky. He has to spend the evening alone whilst Im out getting my fix

Ahhhh op you sound really lovely.
I sleep like you; the slightest movement wakes me and once I know my partners out the house I’m awake awake. Drives me mad

its not unreasonable to want to sleep next to your husband at all.
I agree with what you said about he’s just busy and he doesn’t realise.

have you actually told him how tired you are and how it’s affecting you?

there sounds to be a lot of love in your relationship. I hope you reach a compromise

My husband is a postman, and gets up to go to work everyday at 4am. I dont really see what your problem is. Just tell him to be quiet when he gets up. Im so used to it now, that I dont hear his alarm go off

Sorry- I posted before I read it all.
glad you sorted it op :)

He is really not exercising very efficiently. Does he follow or work with any personal trainers?

Jay Alderton is quite a good example to follow.

Just a suggestion to help you with being disturbed if he gets up.

My DH and I had the same problem and now have separate mattresses - 2 singles on a king size bedframe connected by a mattress topper and fitted sheet. Absolute game changer!

Plus we could each choose the firmness we prefer.

I've seen threads on here extolling the virtue of having 2 single duvets too, but haven't needed that.

This thread is soooooo frustrating since many/most posters have missed that the husband suffers from sciatica.

The priority is addressing this condition:

• getting an appropriate mattress for one of the spare bedrooms
• seeing a spine specialist
• finding an accredited physiotherapist

Been cheaper buy new suits!

Is he going daily? 3-4 times a week is enough he should sleep on the sofa if he's getting up that early then same bed when he's not at the gym. He needs to compromise. Have you thought of going to bed earlier a couple of times and maybe going with him? Both compromise x

What a weirdo? What's going on here? Gym 2 hours a day twice a day hhhhm! Absolutely no need at all is he addicted or is there something appealing at the gym. I agree who wants their hubby sleeping separately on the sofa every night. Do you have kids if the solution is he goes 6-10pm every night when would he see them or you for that matter.

Perhaps he could go 2/3 times a week sometimes at the weekend so less disruption. Is this a new thing? So many questions it's so odd.

This. He’s in his 40s, has been overweight and is putting his body through the paces.

I would suggest that he needs to work on his mental strength as much as his physical strength.

charisma and confidence are more than just physique.

He definitely exhibits obsessional tendencies which are covering up deeper insecurities.

He needs mental help so he can find balance in his physical self.

Also not having the kids around is allowing him too much time to think. He needs to be busy with positive things. Can you find a hobby together?

This too. The sciatica is a big red flag which he’s ignoring. Lifting weights, running may well be making it worse. Again, obsessive compulsive behaviour is winning the day and may cause long term damage.

Losing weight is mostly about what you eat 80% of it.

The other 20% is exercise.

He’s watched a few TikTok videos and thinks this is going to work?

Scary stuff. He’s going to potentially damage himself

I was strongly advised by my gym to only go every alternate and not for more than an hour and a bit at a time. I went swimming or did circuit training on the other days. Four hours is far too much! Is he leading a double life or something?!

What you could do as a teacher is getting up early and do your marking and planning before breakfast leaving your evenings free with going to bed earlier to balance it. I've not tried it but I know teachers who found they loved the ability to work uninterrupted and also leave work earlier.

Oh dear I have back issues and I do yoga and pilates and lots of walking but classes 2-3 per week a good walk daily that's what he needs and holistic therapy. It all sounds a bit mad like he's got obsessed.

The sciatica is a big red flag which he’s ignoring. Lifting weights, running may well be making it worse.

@Mabs49 has an excellent point, the pain is a signal from his body that something’s not right and he’s ignoring it! He needs professional advice.

Not read all the posts, but enough to get the gist. My tuppence worth is to do with u having to endure the stress of teaching. As I teacher, I know everything is worse and magnified a thousand times when u are so stressed that you have rested enough to be a able to cope with the next day at work.
You might be in a nice school and everything is fine but I just think u should factor in school stress into how your viewing this issue.
Yes he's got a problem with his body/ gym / self perception etc
But u r hyper alert to the noise because you know u must get enough sleep to function the next day and deal with everything u will have to face.
So I'm just sending you empathy and love.
Teaching is stress city. Don't let it ruin your relationship (but he still absolutely does have a problem). If it was anorexia or bulemia people would say get help but it definitely seems very similar in way he views himself. It's not right to be that thinking about Ur weight and shape.