Husband’s gym habit making me ill.

[RubyRedEye]

My husband has been getting up early to go to the gym. He likes that it’s empty and he hasn’t got to wait to use any of the machines.

The problem is that he is getting up at 4.30am.

He tries to be really quiet, but inevitably he is waking me up.

I really struggle to go back to sleep and I’m working full time as a teacher. I’m exhausted. I am also getting dreadful headaches throughout the day, because I’m so tired. I can barely concentrate.

His solution is that he sleeps in the living room. So that’s it? No more sleeping in the same bed. That’s really not what I wanted from a marriage. The idea makes me feel really sad and disconnected from him.

I asked him to go at a different time, but he also goes to the gym from 8-10pm every day, so unless he goes 6-10pm, there’s no other option. He works full time too.

I feel upset that there’s no compromise. He’s all about his health, his fitness, his wellbeing. Whilst mine is going down the pan. He might be able to function on 5 hours sleep a night, but I can’t.

Who is being unreasonable.

Everyone saying 4 hours at the gym I’d assume that’s time to get there, shower, could be a sauna etc?

laying in bed, currently in pain with my sciatica screaming at me until my meds i took 20 mins ago kick in.. and i'm not surprised he is getting up because he is in pain, unless you've experienced it, you have no idea how soul suckingly painful it is, you can't ignore it.

I know you've said you'll talk to him again, but please, please, if you show him nothing else, show him the posts about this.

Sciatica is a symptom of something else wrong, that being the nerve is irritated, most commonly by inflammation or disk compression/bulging in the lumbar spine.

Weight lifting if he has the incorrect posture will do him serious, serious damage to his lower spine because its where we load bear.

he MUST stop it until he has spoken to a dr and got a physio referral..

I am deadly serious, my spine was ignored for too long, i am now 43, and use crutches and a wheelchair because of the damage to my spine and lumbar disks, i am on long term nerve pain medication.

Unless he wants to be me, he HAS GOT TO STOP WEIGHT LIFTING AND SEE A DR/PHYSIO.

He gets up 430am because he has to go to the gym early as it's quiet and has access to the equipment with out having to wait. Does he have the same convenience for the second session? A candid conversation is called for as he is avoiding you for what ever reason. His actions appear suspicious so for the sake of your happiness he needs to be honest with you. Call his bluff and ask if you can join him at the gym and hear his reaction.

I would be tempted to follow him to see if he really is going to the gym, & wait & see who else goes at that time!

Who said it was excessive and unfocused. 4 hours out of the house to go to the gym doesn’t equate 4 hours of excersize. I don’t recall reading a breakdown of his workouts in this thread. Does OP know exactly what he’s doing at the gym? It’s think you’re all making assumptions. I know a tonne of people who train twice a day. Most of them are in relationships focused around fitness though so it works 🤷‍♀️

He is having an affair or he’s nuts,
sorry

Lots and lots of people are nuts. Sometimes I look around and think everyone is nuts. Including the ops dh.

@ProudMamaBear92 there is indeed a breakdown of the regime and it is bonkers and not like anything that would be recommended. Ineffective too

You call that a marriage… do you do anything together?

That amount of exercise, unless you are an Olympian, is excessive. I don’t think what he is doing is healthy for him or you. If he wants a life with you, some more time and consideration needs to be given to you. It’s ridiculous and totally OTT.

I'm sorry there are so many unsupportive people on here, OP. Those who think it's normal to sleep separately and use a settee as a bed - They clearly do not have normal, or secure attachments with partners and do not understand love and commitment in a marriage. If they are happy to sleep separately, then there's a severe lack of sex and love in their relationships and are more than likely just in it for the money that their partners bring home (SAHM and all that jazz). I doubt they realise the stressors of work with no sleep.

However, I would buy an airbed and use this as an experiment. Put the airbed elsewhere, or let him sleep in one of the kids beds. While this is wholly inappropriate for a relationship, I do feel this might be a natural progression for him to either realise how hurtful and damaging this is on you, as the partner who wishes to live like you're in an actual marriage and not just cohabiting for the money. If he doesn't wake up and smell the coffee, this may actually help you in the long run to realise what you realistically need to do.

You could even take some time off work sick, in order to support your own well-being. Get a Med3 from your GP, on the grounds of sleep deprivation and exhaustion - Show your husband and see what he says to that. Ask him if he cares about your well-being, or should you both plan for a divorce?

He needs some tough love. Sit him down and tell him he goes in the evening only for 60, or 90 minutes, any other exercise you will go for long walks with him (show him a YouTube video called 23hrs of walking). Tell him if it's his way only, then tell him you will show him the way through the door, permanently. You're a teacher - You've thankfully built yourself a level of independence where you don't actually need him (probably why some of the comments are resentful and jaded because you've done something for yourself).

At the end of the day, you're with him because you love him and not because he gives you an income. You want to sleep in a bed with him because it's a natural and appropriate part of a healthy and wholesome relationship. A settee is not a bed and highly unhygienic to sleep on 24/7. Spending a few hours in bed before going downstairs? You are not a callgirl, or a charity case.

Put your foot down, OP. Try the airbed, lay down your rules, kids don't need to know he's slept in their beds and it's none of their business if he does. Allow him to see the distance and disconnection it will cause once he's in another bed. Get yourself a vibrator and start watching some porn. Tell him he is not to enter the bedroom anymore because you do not want your happy hour interrupted, just like your sleep is interrupted. Allow him to see that a woman with a career and a vibrator, is a woman not in need of a man indeed! But a woman who wants and loves a man, but will not be walked over.

I'd insist he showered at least before he came home

Absolutely bananas comment.

My partner and I maintain separate houses, never mind beds, precisely because we both have the means and enjoy our independence (and a night or two a week alone in our own beds!). Perfectly normal, secure attachment to each other, no lack of sex (shock - sometimes we don’t do it in bed, with the lights, out before sleep!) or love.

Not all gyms have showers. Mine doesn’t.

He’s shagging someone else.

Have you actually RTFT? !

Those who think it's normal to sleep separately and use a settee as a bed - They clearly do not have normal, or secure attachments with partners and do not understand love and commitment in a marriage. If they are happy to sleep separately, then there's a severe lack of sex and love in their relationships and are more than likely just in it for the money that their partners bring home (SAHM and all that jazz).

FFS. I've been married nearly 50 years and separate beds is the best thing we ever did. Some people have very different natural sleep patterns, and sleeping separately can be an excellent solution. Snuggle up and chat late at night and/or in the morning. If we feel a bit frisky stuff happens, but both of us nearly always get a good night's sleep.

As for @MustWeDoThis' suggestion of an airbed - for a man who has sciatica!!! - the mind boggles...

@RubyRedEye - sorting out his sciatica is really, really important. What he is doing now could cause serious long-term damage.

Is your husband jacked ? Because if he’s not I would say you should probably wake up and see what’s going on.

No, but he has lost a lot of weight in a short time.

He didn’t go to the gym this morning and we actually woke up late, we had to rush to get ready for work.

He has agreed to get a go appointment for both his sleep and sciatica. He was going to do it today, but was busy so will do it on Monday.

In the meantime, I’ve joined the gym. I’ll be going with him in the evenings. His invitation. It’ll do me good I figured, and it’ll give us more time together.

Ive cooked his tea the last two days. He had chicken breasts with broccoli and mushrooms yesterday. Today he had a rib-eye steak with garlic butter mushrooms, tenderstem broccoli and these lovely potato and bacon croquettes from M&S. He also ate fresh strawberries with a little vanilla cheesecake from M&S. Not a big portion and very much calorie counted. But we’re doing this together now, rather than as individuals.

Thanks again all!

Sounds more like he's seeing someone in the morning and evening and then sleeping on the couch 🤷🏻‍♀️

Going twice a day for that long is too much - one session at that length is still a lot.

Also going everyday is too much - rest days are extremely important for muscle repair

Another thing as a compromise why can't he go straight from work - it can't be that busy as its early for most people.

Then he can drop the morning session and be home for about 5:30/6pm?

I don’t believe anyone goes to the gym so often for so long. So he leaves the gym at 10pm and gets up to go again at 4:30am? Nah. I wouldn’t buy it.

I know lots of people that do; and no they're not having affairs.

Another thing as a compromise why can't he go straight from work - it can't be that busy as its early for most people.

Then he can drop the morning session and be home for about 5:30/6pm

It would depend on his job but I think that’s a bit optimistic. I go straight from work and don’t get in until 7:30 or 8pm. I agree it’s better than 10pm.

If you are talking affair, not every man is a cheat