Husband’s gym habit making me ill.

[RubyRedEye]

My husband has been getting up early to go to the gym. He likes that it’s empty and he hasn’t got to wait to use any of the machines.

The problem is that he is getting up at 4.30am.

He tries to be really quiet, but inevitably he is waking me up.

I really struggle to go back to sleep and I’m working full time as a teacher. I’m exhausted. I am also getting dreadful headaches throughout the day, because I’m so tired. I can barely concentrate.

His solution is that he sleeps in the living room. So that’s it? No more sleeping in the same bed. That’s really not what I wanted from a marriage. The idea makes me feel really sad and disconnected from him.

I asked him to go at a different time, but he also goes to the gym from 8-10pm every day, so unless he goes 6-10pm, there’s no other option. He works full time too.

I feel upset that there’s no compromise. He’s all about his health, his fitness, his wellbeing. Whilst mine is going down the pan. He might be able to function on 5 hours sleep a night, but I can’t.

Who is being unreasonable.

I do like the gym in the morning, albeit 6 am not 4.30! How about flipping things round and he tries just going in the morning? I can’t imagine how he can sleep after being in the gym 8-10 at night, I struggle after doing a 7pm class.

If he’s only going in the morning, you would have the late afternoon/evening together, and can cook a nice meal that suits you both and you can both enjoy instead of living on shakes and eggs (which sounds bloody miserable). Go to bed early and then the early start isn’t such an impact.

I do sympathise with your position however no one can be working out effectively for 4 hours a day. Does he have a Garmin type watch which shows the type of benefit from his work out and the necessary recovery time? There may be much more effective, time efficient ways to achieve his goal.

Am I reading this right? He's going to the gym at 04.30hrs and again between 20.00/22.00? Every day?

That's insane.

But yes, if he insists on going at 04.30 he can sleep in another room.

Well done on forcing this conversation with him. It's a shame you had to get upset before he really listened to you. A PT session for both of you sounds a great idea.

as someone with severe sciatica that is not fixable due to disk degeneration in the L5/S1, i am telling you, quite seriously, there are certain things he may be doing that will NOT be helping his sciatica, and actually making it worse.

There are movements and exercises that will set it off, and he NEEDS to see a dr, push for referral for an MRI, and speak to a physiotherapist before he does himself some irreparable damage.

As for making it more comfortable in bed, tell him to try laying on his side (The one its not affecting) and making sure his spine is as straight as possible, so bend the knees. a pillow between knees/ankles will help a little, keeping his top line level from neck to toe will prevent some of the pressure on the nerve.

Gym addict here 🙋‍♀️ I think YABU. He’s prioritising health and well-being as everyone should. You’ll be thankful when he can use the loo himself when you’re old. Why don’t you go to bed early together and join him? Or just work on going back to sleep after he wakes you. I think stopping him is being controlling. Find a way to work around. I can absolutely do 4 hours in a gym, weights cardio swim steam sauna.. perfect 😎 nothing suspect there unless there are other problems there to begin with.

Do you just eat raw eggs, beans or protein shakes?

Believe it or not there are quite a few of us that frequent the gym twice a day, personally, my reason is for my mental health.

OP, has or is your husband depressed by any chance? x

You go to the gym for 4hrs every day? As said above, the excessive unfocused exercise won’t be good for him, and neither will the lack of sleep and weird diet.

Are you saying the only point of being married is sharing a bed? Really?

I addressed this elsewhere - didn't realise op meant every night and agreed that wasn't sustainable. Couple of nights a week would be ok for us in our marriage.

That is a ridiculous amount of time to be training every day and if he thinks that’s good for his health he is incorrect, particularly if he’s not getting enough sleep. He sounds like a v selfish person who is suffering with an addiction. I would say he needs some sort of advice/therapy to get his life back in balance. You also need some sleep so let him sleep in the living room. Be firm with him that he has a problem he needs to address and he is causing your health to suffer and your partnership to suffer.

People saying 'just go back to sleep' really have no clue how difficult sleep is for some people. I ended up sleeping in spare room when my partner got up early and I would still wake up when his alarm went off through the wall and not be able to get back to sleep. I also can't fall asleep if I know he is coming to bed after me. I wish I could and I try! Been a light sleeper since I was a child.

It sounds like you had a really productive conversation, well done. Maybe you guys could also introduce some new non-gym activities in to the week if he is struggling with empty nest as a way to spend some quality time together and introduce more fun and connection. Good luck!

Genuine question: If you are at the gym for four hours every single day, then who is doing all the chores, life admin and various tasks that normal people use their free time outside of work to complete? How do you have a social life if you're spending 4 hours daily doing weights and cardio? Do your friends have to come to the gym to meet you?

And if the disclaimer is that you don't actually spend 4 hours daily at the gym but only occasionally, then that's entirely irrelevant to his thread which is a debate about normalising a DAILY 4 hour sport habit. Most people can easily do 4 hours of sport if they wanted to, such as on weekends, but that's entirely beside the point of this thread.

I do think you’re being unreasonable in the sense you don’t want him to go that early. I’m a weight lifter… also work as a nursery nurse with two years old and I’m pretty bloody exhausted!! I get up twice a week and go at 6-7. Although I do think he spends too long there! It should be an hour x4 times a week. I manage to fit in four sessions a week and work full time 8-4 and 8-5 some weeks. I also have two kids. There is no need for him to be waking you when he gets up. I feel for me it helps with my mental health. If he can get up without waking you.. as in maybe get ready in another room it will help

If you have the room, why not invest in some home gym equipment.

I agree with what others have said - if this is all about losing weight, he's really not doing it the most efficient way.
A decent PT would give him an exercise plan which would probably be no more than 1 hour a day that, combined with a proper eating plan, would help him tone up and lose weight.

I think that's a bit unfair @user645262 . I don't think @arethereanyleftatall sounded smug at all. They were just saying how much time fitness can take up if you are heavily involved in a particular sport, so it might not be as suspect as people are suggesting.

On the flipside @arethereanyleftatall , I can't imagine a woman getting up to hand an affair with him at 4.30am can you? Just a thought.

At 4.30am @earlyoclock? That's very early for a secret tryst

I didn't see your second comment, I have only just read most of the comments. And no, sharing a bed is obviously not the only point of being married, but if you're not getting much time with your partner for intimacy (not just talking about sexual), it's going to put a strain on the relationship. That's why most long distance relationships don't work.

OP so he says he is going to the gym for four hours s day then he systems he's not going to sleep with you?

Forgive me but Id start getting my ducks in a row, get legal advice plus accumulate savings.

@RubyRedEye maybe he just suggested the lounge thing as a temporary compromise until the gym in the garage is finished? It sounds like you know the reason, but it's just going to be hard to get used to, even temporarily. Good luck with everything.

He does wake me if he gets up to use the loo. But then I can go right back to sleep as soon as he’s hopped back into bed.
When he gets up and goes out of the room, I just can’t seem to fall back to sleep. I try and sometimes an hour will pass and eventually I’ll drift off until the alarm, but the disruption wrecks me for the day. Most of the time after about an hour or so of laying there, I’ll just give in and drag myself up.

This is really your problem, if he got up and went out of the room to get changed etc and is really silent - its you that is having trouble getting back to sleep due to him not being in the bed, that really isn't his fault and he has offered to sleep else where. Its not as if he could creep into the spare room at 12 as you'd then not go back to sleep

Id suspect its more likely that you are peri menopausal and that is what preventing you sleeping after 4.30am if you are woken - try taking some magnesium and see if that helps. Join him in the gym and then go to bed earlier yourself

This describes my DH. He used to go into very extreme diets. An all or nothing kind of thing. He goes to the gym every morning but not so early as you DH.
One thing that is helping him him a lot is seing a dietitian. He also had a personal trainer for a while.
Its a good thing he is trying to get fit but he probably needs professional help as this doesnt seem healthy. He probably doesn't need to go to the gym for so many hours.

Hi OP! Just wanted to say that I'm really glad that all the people on this thread who were trying to make you think he was having an affair were proved so roundly wrong. There were some really mean comments on here, and you didn't deserve them. Yes, you weren't completely honest about some things, but you were upset and not thinking straight, you're allowed to mix a few details up, it's not as though you were outright lying.

So pleased that things are sorting out. And I'm so pleased that some of the nasty people we seem to have around here have been taken down a peg or two.

I think you hit it when you said you were in your 40s and have grown up children. I think (and I'm no expert) your husband is having a mid life crisis(often, but not always, manifested in the purchase of a powerful motorbike). His anxiety about his appearance and feeling inadequate compared to younger colleagues suggests the low self esteem that can hit men at his stage of life. His obsession with exercise and his new, unhealthy diet suggest a man on the edge. I'm not sure what to suggest but I think you need to talk this through with someone who won't jump to the MN conclusion that he's having an affair. Which is not to suggest that he won't, if someone other than you comes along to boost his confidence.

Hello all.

Thank you for the continued interest in the thread. I have updated already, but I’ll just add a few things here.

I definitely don’t think an affair. I know he loves me and despite the gym thing, he’s very loving.

He has been on this health thing for about a month. He has dropped a lot of weight. Probably around 18lbs. He needs to lose a further 2 inches to get into his 36” trousers. He doesn’t want to wear larger as it’s his confidence I believe will be affected and not necessarily that he doesn’t want to buy new clothes.

When he gets home from the gym, he is soaking. He has sweat under his neck into his chest. In the middle of his back, and under the arms. He stinks to the heavens. Unless it’s a really active session, fully dressed, I can’t imagine that he’d look like this coming back from an affair. Plus I think the times would be very strange.

I have an active invite to go with him any time. I have complete access to his phone and devices. I have use of his car. He’s not at all secretive. And I know from an extended history together that he does get obsessive over health.

I do think the sciatica is a concern and this I’m going to book him a PT and perhaps encourage him to see try e GP again.

Thanks for all the advice again.