Partner in massive victim position giving me the 'ick

[robertaplant]

My GF & I were looking at theatre tickets in London as something fun to do, but then she mentioned it was the local beer festival and things shifted. She got upset because she realised hadn’t been added to our friends' WhatsApp group, saying that our mutual friend always adds his partner into everything. Since he created the group, she made me feel terrible about it, even though it wasn’t something I controlled.
She then said she didn’t want to go to anyway and shut down the conversation.
She then wonders why she doesn't have any friends...For perspective she's 38 but feels a lot younger around stuff like this.
I know I should try to see things from her perspective, but it feels like getting punched in the gut repeatedly when she starts pulling this victim crap on me. I literally can't handle it and want to run, but prior to that i get really really angry and i don't understand it.

Is "triggered" the new word for pissed off?

So much drama OP. Life's too short. If you'd be happier outside the relationship, end the relationship. Then you wouldn't be "triggered" so much.

Yes,
But WHY stay in a relationship with someone that you feel that way about? I know Dinosaur Munch said I was projecting with the contempt thing. She is right, I don't know what's in your head, so lets just say the language you are using is strongly indicative of contempt. People stay in bad relationships and put up with bad behaviour for all sorts of reasons. Someone might be afraid of their partner's reaction when they meet up with other people so might cut contact with friends for that reason. Some other people might be afraid for their partner's emotional state etc so cut contact with friends for that reason. Or they might be prevented because their partner won't watch their young children. Or takes the car etc etc.

All of those behaviours are red flags, and other posters are right that if a woman had posted that she was cutting back her social life for those reasons it would be treated differently. But you don't express fear or obligation - just resentment and anger. Anger is an emotion that is usually connected to action/wanting to take action. Sometimes bad action (punching a policeman in the face) sometimes positive action (your friend is horrible to you so you end/reduce the friendship). The idea that someone is hurting you by making you feel angry at her behaviour isn't going to engender sympathy when you voluntarily choose to be around that behaviour.

And men do do this way more often than women. Women stay in all sorts of bad relationships but I know the reasons. WHY do men (or just you in particular) want to be in a relationship with someone you feel (or at least express) contempt for when it would be so easy not to be in that relationship?

My ex was like that. I've now realised it was coercive and controlling behaviour. I don't think she did it deliberately it was probably learned behaviour from a troubled childhood. However it is really difficult to live with and you end up walking on eggshells. In the end my ex became abusive but your story could be different. You need your friends, I know because I lost mine. But she can't control them. I think ask your friend who controls the group to add her to the whatsapp group, include her in everything but be clear that you need time with your friends and she needn't be threatened by this. Explain how her behaviour makes you feel but don't let anger get into that conversation.

I wouldn’t want to date someone who was so precious about things and made socialising such hard work.

you’re not compatible and would be happier with someone more like yourself with values around friendship and socialising.

You also pull the victim stuff. You and she do a pushme pullme victim dance. "She made me feel terrible about it even though it wasn't something I control." How in the world did she accomplish this? Does she have magical powers? No. But you've given her power over you and you might want to look up co-dependency. All the best.

Absolutely. But in your and my scenario we also assume our partner /boyfriend is an adult who likes us so reads the chat and goes oh John said they are doing x sounds like fun, do you want to come? It’s Saturday week, and Jane and Sam are coming.

i don’t get that impression here that the gf is getting filled in. It’s totally different if a week later she says I thought we might do y and he says oh no John is doing x. . . You could come too. . . .

i don’t think we are getting a clear picture from the op as to which we are talking about.

@The13thFairy think words like co-dependency are easily bandied around and don't think you're being very fair. I'm trying to problem solve and get to the bottom of it, but it's impossible to, when you can see the next move in the game, that she's going to pull the victim card, which automatically takes any talking about the subject impossible

I can see where the PP was coming from, you sound like a kid.

Why didn't you just ask your friend to add her to the WhatsApp chat? What's with all the drama?

I suspect the words “things shifted” in the OP are bearing a lot of weight.

You don't need to problem solve. You already decided what the problem is. You might be right, you might be wrong (some people do try to manipulate others by playing the victim to be sure). But by deciding that you definately know what the issue is then what else is there to do? Either

1. You are right, she is deliberately trying to manipulate you by pretending to be a victim to get you to do what she wants. How do you solve that? Order her not to do it? Usually, if you identify someone is trying to manipulate you to make you suffer - that's not a good relationship
2. You are wrong in your initial diagnosis. But because you don't want to consider that, you will never find out what the actual issues are

And you said you would answer my question and you didnt. think about it like this:

Sandra is scared of her boyfriend. Why wont't she leave? Because she is scared of him
Tim is made to feel guilty by his girlfriend for not cutting of his friends/family. Why won't he leave? Because he feels guilty
Andrew's has to do what his boyfriend wants or he threatens' suicide. Why won't he leave? Because he is scared his boyfriend will commit suicide,
RobertaPlant's girlfriend makes him feel angry/frustrated when she plays the victim. Why won't he leave? Because he feels angry???

The last one doesn't make sense. Maybe you don't like the word co-dependant but there is something else going on that you don't want to admit on here/to yourself. Which is fine. You owe us nothing. But women/men are not things that you can practice your problem solving on and then feel angry that your efforts to fix them haven't worked. If you want to tinker get an old car, and get angry at that.

Basically, whatever her perceived character flaws did she ask you to fix her? Did she ask you to solve the "problem" that is her behaviour? If you decided, on your own initiative, that her behaviour was a problem you wanted to solve you can't reasonably resent her for not letting you "improve" her. Its an unhealthy dynamic.

@biscuitandcake appreciate this thank you.
I'd rather I was the problem, at least i can work on myself.

I am scared of my own feelings around leaving. EG feeling alone, feeling like a shit person, guilt that will follow (could I have tried harder?)

Its not about one person being at fault. But to be able to communicate, especially in a relationship you need to be able to give the other person the benefit of the doubt, or at least to not automatically assume the worst. Which you are doing if you assume your partner is trying to manipulate you (and playing the victim is a form of manipulation). Think about it - if someone is convinced you are trying to manipulate them, not being honest in the reasons you give for being upset how do you prove that you aren't? Literally any reaction you give is further proof of the manipulation - Its impossible, especially if the other person has already decided that you are going to react to accusations of manipulation by manipulating them further. If you want to see how bad things can get look at the American election where both sides are so convinced the other is evil, that the left/right media are describing completely different realities.

Of course, some people are manipulative. Some husbands slam the doors loudly because they had a bad day at work. Some slam the doors because they want their partner to know they are in a bad mood to frighten them into walking on eggshells the whole evening because they like the power. If you really think that is what she is doing then you should leave because (if you are wrong or right) at least one of you is badly treating the other. If you are wrong then that (demanding someone stop doing something terrible they aren't doing and can't prove they aren't doing) is a form of mental torture - and its cruel to do to someone else just because you are scared of feeling alone.

By the way - testosterone inhibits tears. Its why though men do cry, they usually cry less than women. Its not just "toxic masculinity". But equally, when a woman is crying she is not automatically "being manipulative" just because you wouldn't cry in the same circumstances.

His friends girlfriend has just had a baby.

I think she sounds both very controlling, manipulative and as if she wants to isolate you.
I think your gut is telling you things are not right.
Her drama when your sister was visiting may have spoiled the visit?
Narcissistic people love to spoil nice times, isolate people from their families.
She doesn't like people coming to the house?
Sounds like a very stressful unhealthy relationship with an unhinged person.

Do not have children with her, it will get worse, a lot worse.
I think you should quietly look at counselling and plan your exit frombthis relationship asap.

She's 38 does she want a family? She probably doesn't.
Do you want a family?
What long term plans have you made together?
Is your life all about work and socialising is your family your friendship's?
Does she fit into the world you want to create for yourself?

If she doesn't want to then you can't change her she's stuck in her ways. She would have spent a lot of years living independently before being with you. Being alone is not a bad thing it gives you a chance to develop.

For someone who doesn’t like someone to play the victim you use some odd phrases like ‘triggered’.

This relationship is going nowhere. You don’t seem to like her in any capacity.

Are you in a same sex relationship? Have you posted about it before? Some of this seems familiar.

You are both unhappy. Just pull the plug on it.

Your OP is incomprehensible

@MoonPieHazySky thanks for that
@BiscuitlyBoyle Wow the word triggered sure seems to trigger a lot of people. Awareness of being triggered is knowing yourself and owning it, surely the opposite of being a victim (which is acting your shit out)

Thus sums it up well. You need to leave, op, she's abusive and controlling and she's going to end up isolating you.

And if this was a woman posting, some of the answers would be very different!!

OK? Is that his reason for not asking his friend to add his girlfriend to the group? I don't understand 😂

@ThatRareUmberJoker yes we both want a family if we can last . We fit well when it's just the 2 of us.
I love sports, socialising, my job. Her job exhausts her so she collapses most evenings/ weekends. She likes travelling, nice hotels and nice food so do I. She doesn't like staying at any of my friends or parents houses because she has IBS and feels embarrassed which, puts another strain on me to be honest. Then there is no quick trip up to my parents because she won't stay over and we live too far away. Or no quick trip to mates around the country, of which i have lots of university friends that i used to love to visit.

I wouldn't be surprised if this relationship lasted as both of you will cling on to what is clearly an unhealthy dynamic for fear of going it alone; that absolutely doesn't mean that the two of you should start a family together - at least get some therapy before even thinking about it.

This sounds way too difficult at this stage in the relationship.

Move on family things get 1 million times for both of you. It won't be the fix solution.

She probably having some therapy if that's not already mentioned