Partner in massive victim position giving me the 'ick

[robertaplant]

My GF & I were looking at theatre tickets in London as something fun to do, but then she mentioned it was the local beer festival and things shifted. She got upset because she realised hadn’t been added to our friends' WhatsApp group, saying that our mutual friend always adds his partner into everything. Since he created the group, she made me feel terrible about it, even though it wasn’t something I controlled.
She then said she didn’t want to go to anyway and shut down the conversation.
She then wonders why she doesn't have any friends...For perspective she's 38 but feels a lot younger around stuff like this.
I know I should try to see things from her perspective, but it feels like getting punched in the gut repeatedly when she starts pulling this victim crap on me. I literally can't handle it and want to run, but prior to that i get really really angry and i don't understand it.

@Viviennemary I think my communication is bad too. I am working on it. I can't decide whether I need to continue working on myself or end the relationship. Is it me or her? I don't know.

Interestingly, when I read the first line "my GF" my head went to Lesbian with lesbian partner. But even by the end of reading the first post I was like "ah its a man posting". I don't mean that he comes across as a man because he writes in an unlikable way or anything. But its something about the way he talks about "victim crap" etc. I think a woman would have framed it differently, even if deep down she was looking for the same responses. e.g. it would be "my partner is really insecure, do you think he is autistic/emotionally damaged". Or "I really want to have sympathy for my partner but..." That doesn't mean the advice shouldn't be the same for the concrete facts (not wanting you to see your friends, restricting your social life) but its interesting. I don't know if its innate, or socialisation.

I think also there are a lot of threads on here where women are staying with partners who they are scared of, are being physically hurt by, are angry at etc etc. But very few where they feel very obvious contempt for them that shines out of their writing. Which is the main problem in the OP. Its counterintuitive but I actually find that harder to understand than staying with an abusive partner (which can be explained by trauma bonding) But I have male friends who did stay for a long time with people they had seemingly deep contempt for and I just don't understand why...

@robertaplant You don't have to answer this if you don't want to. But just out of curiosity, why be in a relationship with someone you have no respect for/don't seem to like (regardless of the reasons)?

I think in some ways this OP has been given a bit of a hard time by some posters. It sounds like your Gf has some issues and is hard work. It's hard to know why. However you need to ask yourself if you feel happy, respected and cared for in this relationship. Maybe you deserve more of that and you are not well suited after all. Maybe talk to her about how you feel and go from there. Good luck.

Hang on a minute. It's normal for a man to not communicate directly with the girlfriend of a friend. If I'm making a group chat I would not necessarily add everyone 's husbands. It's not a slight on the husbands at all and doesn't mean they're not invited. In fact the assumption is that they are invited unless it's mentioned as a girls trip or hen do. People don't need a formal invitation to a get together with friends. They just need to know it's happening and they can then go if they want to.

The girlfriend obviously doesn't want to socialise but instead of saying that she's getting huffy.

If you're only 2 years in and this is how you feel then she's not a lifetime partner and frankly you sound immature inconsiderate and selfish.

Can't speak for her as we've only got your point of view.

"I can't decide whether I need to continue working on myself or end the relationship."

You need to do both.

I'm not getting contempt at all, I think you're projecting. I'm getting frustration and not being able to solve the problem.

I don't think the problem can be solved - they just want different things. She wants someone who doesn't need other friends - or only specific very close friends of hers where she calls the shots. He wants to socialise in groups. Either he goes out to socialise without her or they need to split.

But I have male friends who did stay for a long time with people they had seemingly deep contempt for and I just don't understand why...

you can see why on this thread

they store up annoyances caused mainly by their own questionable behaviour in order to continue said questionable behaviour but in the role of victim themselves

DARVO alive, punching guts and being condoned and celebrated by other people

You're young and it's a newish relationship. Cut your losses now and find someone more compatible is my advice. You won't change her.

Haven't RTFT.

Going out with someone who has a victim complex is extremely draining. They seldom acknowledge their mentality let alone try to change it. You need to ask yourself if you are cut out for a lifetime of this. Good luck.

@RogersOrganismicProcess Great questions, I think it makes me feel good doing 'good' 'kind' things, cooking, nurturing stuff.

It gives me the ick that i have to organise social life though as I'm from a large family and love my siblings and friends.

I do need to say no to her from time to time as I'm going to lose my friends at this rate and I need my friends like fresh air.

She most recently got the arse with my family as my sister was over from Australia for 1 weekend only. Somehow my sister should've checked that my girlfriend wasn't working that weekend. My sister didn't check because she was also here for work and it was non-negotiable. So we go on a family outing that day. Que her to get the MASSIVE arse because she had to work that morning. Nobody's fault, just unfortunate but put a nasty slur on the whole day as she sent me text messages all afternoon while I was trying to chill with my family

Exactly! I don't get added into the group chat organised by our "joint" friends if it's the husband setting up the chat, they add DH, if it's the wife setting up and organising it, I get the initial contact and get added to the chat. There are scenarios (if it's organised on facebook) where it's different but WhatsApp, I don't assume that friends husbands have my number, and I don't kick off or make a big deal of it. Even if they have my number, if you've only been together 2 years, then that's a short time for it to be come the norm for any bloke to routinely add a woman who's not his primary point of contact in a couple.

You need to find a time when you are both rested and available to talk.

Honestly and respectfully without raised voices.

And work out what is going on in each of your heads.

Communication and in most cases compromise is they key.

If you try that and it's not working then you need to split up.

Nobody should lose their friends because of their partner.

@toomuchfaff @DinosaurMunch Exactly ! Thankyou !

Hello. Just to offer some thoughts. The way this is presented is like you have put what is happening into a neat narrative- getting the ick, your girlfriend playing the victim, punched in the gut etc. while on the face of it you do lots for your girlfriend. But I suspect the reality is more nuanced. Your language is all quite elevated and unkind and does not suggest you even like your girlfriend, let alone have tried to understand her- victim crap, victim shit, really really angry, want to run , can’t handle it, then wonders why she has no friends..You said she is immature at 38 but your language, reaction and overall framing sound immature to me. We don’t have her full side of the story and it may well be there are some issues there, but I think the thing to do is to have a direct conversation with your GF about all this and think about your own behaviour and how that might contribute to it- I’m not saying it does but the picture painted is you do everything for her and she adds a little but things are rarely so clear cut. If you can’t resolve things through conversation and mutual respect and support then the relationship should end.
All the best.

@DinosaurMunch @biscuitandcake it's mainly frustration. BUT there is something around her sliding into victim position that makes me immediately angry, yes. I don't like the behaviour

Thanks everyone for your help,
I've probably kicked the arse out of this topic and it's boring now :) :)
Enjoy your day x

You are both over precious.
Neither of you seem happy - go - lucky or easy going.

Try to look on the bright side (both of you) and see a glass half full. Judge people to mean the best
.
Value being together and having fun. Value going to eventstogether.

Gradually you will both make close friends and be invited to many things - unless you tantrum and continue to react as a victim and in such a very self centred juvenille manner.

OP I think you’re being unnecessarily flamed here.

You have moved to a new city together? Her full on job means you have taken on more of the ‘finding people’ role.

She is complaining about not having friends but being very closed off and insecure about spending time with people - and fixating on minor things as justification for avoiding putting herself out there to forge relationships.
And shutting down conversation about it.

I imagine I would get to the end of my tether extremely quickly with this too. I think you need a hard conversation here and ask yourself and her…

• do you want to build relationships with these people?
• if not these people then do you actually want to build relationships with other people?
• what does your ideal social life look like (you say you end up socialising with just her - maybe that is her actual preference she just doesn’t feel able to say it?)

It’s ok to have different levels of social engagement. It’s not ok to be dishonest with each other about what these are and / or to insecurely sabotage each other’s social engagements.

I think the way she’s behaved would be a deal breaker for me if it happened often. I get huge ick from people who have poor emotional management skills. But if everything else is generally positive I don’t think this necessarily needs to be a deal breaker for you guys - if you can get to the bottom of what the actual issue is and agree a sane way forward…

Just read this.

You need to break up with her. If this was the other way round - and a woman was spending time with her family while her male partner worked - and he spoiled the whole afternoon by sending endless text messages- then everyone would be telling you to leave.

If she can’t recognise that this is abusive behaviour then I don’t think this is redeemable.

@anxioussister Thankyou I feel like I'm going mad honestly.

I make excuses for her behaviour to some of my friends like "oh she's really tired, stressed, exhausted' but her behaviour is shit, and childish and really icky.

It’s clear you do not like or respect your girlfriend so leave. It’s that simple. You don’t need to analyse her behaviours, You don’t need justification or our permission. You don’t want to be there so go

You sound as childish as you claim she is. It doesn’t read as if this is written by someone dating a late 30s woman, more like a 21 year old with his first girlfriend that he’s only with cos he gets his hole. Do you and her (and us) a favour and end it.

@StinkyWizzleteets Is that really necessary? "Get's his hole" ?

I think that's more about you

I think it's partly a compatibility issue. It sounds like she's more of an introvert so is getting completely drained by her job and you seem like more of an extrovert so need a fairly full-on social life. I don't think you should allow yourself to be limited in the way you currently are being. Some relationships do work quite well with each party spending quite a bit of time pursuing their own interests/friendships. But obviously you have to both accept this. It does sound like she's being hypersensitive and negative and unreasonably picky about people and trips etc. I guess she's quite overwhelmed by her work and feels like she wouldn't be able to stand spending her only downtime with people she doesn't particularly get on with in a less than comfortable environment. But currently she's putting all of that on you which isn't really fair.

i think i get what you're on about.

i know a lot of people like her to a point, i'm one of them.. in that i need to be invited somewhere to feel welcome, otherwise i feel like i'm intruding/not wanted/a third wheel. I can't just rock up or invite myself... one of my friends called it being a Social Vampire, lol.. Foxxo can't cross the threshold without being invited in.
I won't get all butthurt about it though, unlike your partner, i just assume i'm not invited, so yes, i do feel left out.

From her perspective you need to understand that might be how she works, and pre-empt that by inviting her, or including her in planning so she knows she is explicitly invited.