Partner in massive victim position giving me the 'ick

[robertaplant]

My GF & I were looking at theatre tickets in London as something fun to do, but then she mentioned it was the local beer festival and things shifted. She got upset because she realised hadn’t been added to our friends' WhatsApp group, saying that our mutual friend always adds his partner into everything. Since he created the group, she made me feel terrible about it, even though it wasn’t something I controlled.
She then said she didn’t want to go to anyway and shut down the conversation.
She then wonders why she doesn't have any friends...For perspective she's 38 but feels a lot younger around stuff like this.
I know I should try to see things from her perspective, but it feels like getting punched in the gut repeatedly when she starts pulling this victim crap on me. I literally can't handle it and want to run, but prior to that i get really really angry and i don't understand it.

The main questions to ask here- why you are with her? Is this relationship making you happy or is it emotionally taxing?

What do you for for work op?
Do you keep yourself busy in the day?

@robertaplant You talk about how she works a lot. How many hours a week do you work? Are you also tired or perhaps you have a less draining job?

I would test the waters and go without her you will feel indifferent but hopefully she will go to the next meet up.

@dontcryformeargentina She's usually pretty calm and chilled and we got on well when it's just the 2 of us. She makes me feel calm and secure and loved but she's insecure around friendships/socialising and i don't get why -

You don't think it is strange that a supposed mutual friend didn't invite her to the group chat? There is nothing mutual about that. You are his friend. She is not. So how is she wrong to say she doesn't have friends?

@AnnoyedAsAllHeck i'm self employed and although don't work long hours, i am stressed. She's got a very high stress job and works long hours so i try and be very aware that she hasn't got much to give in the week, she just comes home, eats dinner, showers then has to go to bed when she's been on call.

Have you asked her about past friendships or relationships she may have been badly hurt. Would she mind you going alone?

Is she a nurse?

@HollyKnight yeah maybe it is a bit strange. I suppose he probably just thought i'd invite her. His partner texts her directly but he doesn't tend to text her.

@ThatRareUmberJoker yes she's a nurse.
I don't think she'd mind me going alone but it feels weird, i want her to come out!
I'm a self employed project manager

Try and encourage her, bribe her somehow. She could be moody because of the hours she works. I would tell her how you feel in a nonjudgmental way.

No. You said he is the group admin so only he can invite people to the chat. It is clear that he sees you as his friend but she is just your girlfriend. He does not see her as a friend. That is what she is realising here. If he saw her as a friend he would have included her. You need to stop telling her she is wrong because she is not. It's perfectly normal to not want to spend time with people who aren't your friends.

Couldn't you just ask your mate if he'll add her? Then she knows what plans are being made and it's up to her if she goes or not to outings.
Hard to tell if she is reacting to being miffed that the plan of London theatre tickets got changed. Did you make the plan, then change it yourself because you preferred the beer festival idea? How did she know about the festival if not on the group app? Did her friend mention it? I think maybe she was being passive bringing it up as a clash and hoped that you'd stick to the London plan you made with her.
If this is becoming a pattern of declining group activities, however, I can't see this relationship lasting if it's giving you the ick. If you're sociable, and she isn't, you're just not compatible.

@Opentooffers I think you might be right about passively bringing it up as a clash. I didn't even particularly want to go, though i'd usually prioritise seeing friends rather than 'having experiences' as i think it's more fun and i work from home so don't see people in the day so much. `I honestly didn't think i was that sociable, in my last relationship i was more like her but she makes me feel like i'm a friggin social party animal just because occassionally, just every now and then i'd like to hang out with other friends rather than just her all the time

The best way to talk about it is to talk about yourself and how you feel. You're always in all the time and you understand how busy and tired she is but now and then you would like to go out and socialise with other people with her beside you. Hopefully she will understand and she will make an appearance. Tell her how wonderful she is and how much she means to you.

Is she basically keeping you?
A lot of people who have social anxiety DO like to be specifically invited to things. Its not that weird. Calling her a victim over it is unkind. Its likely a lot easier for you to put energy into maintaining meaningful friendships because you project manage part time while she runs ragged full time doing shifts as a nurse - a profession with such a high burnout rate, then you get angry and berate her for being anxious about feeling like a tagalong at you and your mates festival weekend?

She sounds shy tbh & uncomfortable around your friends because her working hours (& post work exhaustion) mean they're your friends & not hers. I'm guessing she feels a bit like a gooseberry when she goes along.

You can't blame her for not making more of an effort with them when she works such long hours & is as exhausted as you describe. Socialising with ppl you feel uncomfortable around is tiring at the best of times.

Some people don't find socialising as easy as others, it doesn't make them victims. It sounds like she's telling you - her partner- that she's struggling with it, which is what you did when in a relationship.

And people here object to you using the word "triggered" when you mean you get annoyed and pissed off with her. You weren't triggered...triggered is for serious mental healh conditions, such as when someone living with the after effects of a serious trauma experiences an uncontrollable emotional flash back- as can happen with (c)ptsd.

You're gaslighting big time

‘Oh I didn’t know you could add people to chats and also I never asked my friend to add her and I just mentioned this festival but she wasn’t on top of the plans so got upset’ as She. Hadn’t. Been. Invited. You mentioning it is not an invite, you vaguely expecting your friends to make sure you don’t need to communicate with your girlfriend is not adequate and no wonder she feels insecure.

What was she like before you both moved to this new city? Did she have friends before or has she always been a bit of a loner and given to feeling slighted at the drop of a hat?

If she has a job that’s stressful, that’s long hours (and on call - so shift work sometimes? Or otherwise stuff that might make it hard to do something regular that would help build friendships more easily?) and in a new place, I can see why it might be hard to make friends. If that wasn’t what she was like before she may just be feeling a bit at sea about it all and the “victim mentality”, the super-sensitivity to feeling rejected by the friends you’ve made, may be due to insecurity about this that she’s responded badly to. If this is the case then there is hope for her - she just needs a bit of support to make some good friends and perhaps a bit of insight to make it easier. With that security her sensitivity should lessen.

But if she’s always been a bit like this then it points to a more fundamental incompatibility that you might need to think about whether you can live with long term.

Not read the full thread apart from ops posts, so forgive me if I repeat anything that’s already been said.

From the perspective of Transactional Analysis, she does appear to be in victim mode. You are possibly getting the ick because this is most closely aligned with the position of the ‘child’.

It would seem from what you are saying that you are being pushed into ‘parent’ doing the bulk of cooking etc, being responsible for asking for her to be added onto the group. You are in effect, ‘rescuing’ her which enables her to reenact this dynamic, but undermines her ability to step into the position of equality and balance- the ‘adult’.

As she hasn’t written the post, you have, let’s focus on you. What need in you is being met be stepping into rescuer/parent mode? What would it feel like to give her an empowering ‘no’ from time to time?

If she needs peace and quiet after work, and your need to socialise are you able to strike up a balance of time away from each other too? Healthy relationships are not about being enmeshed. Are you able to assert your needs with compassion for both parties, or do you feel conflicted about doing that?

We can’t change other people, nor should we. However, if we are unhappy about how we feel when we react to the behaviour of others we owe it to ourselves to explore that, and grow. By doing the work on self, quite often we realise we no longer need to focus on the other as everything falls into place with the resulting changes in perspective and dynamics.

so go to theatre - and be an arse that you aren’t with friends at festival and ruin the theatre experience by being angry and resentful with gf

or go to festival - and make your gf feel unwelcome and a burden and second choice and ‘not really attached to you’ because that’s fully the impression you are giving here and so no doubt to your friends about her

as well of course to her

she works hard and is tired and seeks to spend time with her bf

who is fun and gregarious and so nice buying theatre tickets

and he’s in a group organising something else he wants to go to on the same date

then he’s angry and frustrated that she is upset at being not only left out of festival group but that it was being planned for the same date as theatre

and you were doing that rather than saying ‘nope have plans with gf’ or ‘I have plans with gf but let me ask if she’d like to go to this instead’

your behaviour is showing her and your friends that you don’t really care about her at all - no wonder she’s upset

and your friends aren’t invested in her as your gf because you are not invested in her as your gf

unless it’s on your terms when you want to feel loved and secure (at home)

in public you are treating her like she is cramping your style

none of that is nice

none of that is loving

and being angry with her for feeling upset is likely increasing her anxiety and preference for you to be home together - cos when you are around others you treat her like an afterthought

it sounds appalling and destructive and manipulative

I think it's fun for you because they are your friends, and stressful for her because they are not and she is quite socially anxious.All this about the WhatsApp group is a red herring, an excuse.
I think you need to understand a d appreciate her social anxiety or i can't see a future.

I'm still confused about the theatre plan and whose idea the beer festival was. Because if you had theatre plans with GF and are now blowing them off, I can see why she's upset. Also if it's just 2 couples and she wasn't added to the WhatsApp group, does that mean there's only 3 ppl in this group? And is the group just for this plan or is it for other plans also?