Partner in massive victim position giving me the 'ick

[robertaplant]

My GF & I were looking at theatre tickets in London as something fun to do, but then she mentioned it was the local beer festival and things shifted. She got upset because she realised hadn’t been added to our friends' WhatsApp group, saying that our mutual friend always adds his partner into everything. Since he created the group, she made me feel terrible about it, even though it wasn’t something I controlled.
She then said she didn’t want to go to anyway and shut down the conversation.
She then wonders why she doesn't have any friends...For perspective she's 38 but feels a lot younger around stuff like this.
I know I should try to see things from her perspective, but it feels like getting punched in the gut repeatedly when she starts pulling this victim crap on me. I literally can't handle it and want to run, but prior to that i get really really angry and i don't understand it.

She's got a victim mentality and you've been triggered... good golly gosh what a pair you both make.

I get you OP. I had a friend like this. Has to be directly personally invited to things, anything which goes on even if it's something she only has a passing connection to or wouldn't even want to do.. or else it's 'people are actively excluding me' 'no one likes me, everyone let's you down'
She was like a 10yo in a school playground. I did have sympathy at first because I know it must stem from insecurity due to however she grew up.. maybe she was bullied or had some other types of difficulties in childhood.. but I think as an adult you do have to at some point start taking responsibility for yourself and not just constantly be 'woe is me' 'everyone let's me down and stabs me in the back'
Because people who are still acting like that as adults become massive energy vampires and live a self fulfilling prophecy. No one really wants to be around someone who is convinced everyone else is a bad person who doesn't really like them and will let them down. It's a feedback loop.
I had to stop being friends with my friend in the end because I couldn't handle the relentless negativity and paranoia. I did give this friendship 15 years BTW.. it wasn't like I just cast her aside.. but it got to the point where it was effecting my mental health. It was like walking on eggshells. Every interaction was awful and gave me major anxiety.. I was constantly worried she'd feel rejected or slighted in some way. Coz if there was a way to take offense shed find it.

I think all you can do here is try to listen to your gfs concerns attentively without immediately dismissing them. Provide some reassurance that she is wanted and loved...
However at the end of the day if you are consistently doing that but find you are constantly having to 'prove' you care about her because she will never believe it.. perhaps it's time to end the relationship. Obviously the healing journey she needs to go on is not happening with you if she's blaming everyone else rather than how she feels about herself.

So he's now added her then if it was just an oversight? Mistakes happen, your op made it sound like it's a regular thing and not a one off.

@Sixteenandfourteen789 I'm just so frustrated that i try really hard in this relationship and then things like this happen and I don't know why I bother.

For example she's got a full on job. She grunts at me when she gets home, and only wants to socialise with just me. I'm not 'allowed' to invite any friends over to the house when she's in because 'she's too knaccered and drained' I'm a really sociable person and I find people interesting / inspiring. We finally made friends with another couple (hooray!!!) and now she's refusing to attend a festival coz she got the arse. It's draining.

@LostInMyOwnArse I didn't ask him to add her yet but will tomorrow. It was just an oversight but maybe there is a bit of a pattern that they don't view her as fully attached to me or something. Maybe coz she's always tired and working

But why are YOU triggered?

Not going to lie, she sounds a pain in the arse. Let her miss the beer festival, you’ll probably enjoy it more without her. I can’t do with adult-children who strop and take offence at the slightest perceived slight.

@Delphiniumandlupins I didn't even try! Thought you had to be admin

@Frith2013 Coz it makes it feel like the relationship is doomed. If you can manage to get in a mood over something so small then it doesn't bode well
@EngineStartStop I'm begininng to think the same.

Have you ever tried actually being understanding though instead of reacting in anger? You'll be doing her self esteem no favours by making her feel like an idiot for feeling rejected or left out.

@Sixteenandfourteen789 true i agree that getting angry is not ideal.
@Purposefullyporous Yes it's like literally everybody we come across has to go through a series of 'tests' to pass. Nobody gets the benefit of the doubt. She gets very easily jelous of any female friendships i've had, i've had to cull a few, but no big deal there. I now feel like a bit of an idiot this has gone on so long and i'm putting up with victim type behaviour which is surely enabling it.

@TomatoSandwiches What do you mean?

And in turn, becoming a victim yourself. She can't control you from seeing your friends. You need to have firm boundaries.

Add her to the group and see what happens. If she's still stroppy I'd go without her.

@Josette77 Yeah it feels like some sort of drama triangle playing out and I can't put my finger on it. I think I have become a victim of pandering to this nonsense

1. Why didn't you just add her to the WhatsApp group to begin with?

1. Why are you using words like victim and triggering? It's a beer festival it's not that deep

1. Dump her, you clearly despise her.

HTH

@TSMWEL
What is HTH?
I didn't create whatsapp group therefore only admins can add
Because it's a pattern not a one off and it's tiring
I love her and we have a nice time usually

You seem very angry. Maybe she's reacting to your anger subconsciously.

However, if you are being "triggered" by her, and her actions make you feel as though you are "being repeatedly punched in the gut" then maybe it's best if you end the relationship. For her sake. There's nothing worse than being around angry men.

@robertaplant if it's a pattern and it's tiring and giving you the ick then it's an issue isn't it? When do you have a nice time? When it's just you two and no one else involved?

So you weren't an admin, you say can you add in my gf? It's not difficult...

@TSMWEL Yes we have a nice time when it's just the 2 of us. And this couple are literally the only other couple we hang out with and we have fun with them.

You are just incompatible.
She's a distrustful, introverted homebody who wants it to be just you and her.. and you are a sociable type who wants to have people over, go out and do things with people, have a large group of friends.
Long term you are going to make each other so miserable because this isn't an argument you can win. It's her personality. Neither of you are going to 'win' and magically the other will change their natural personality. You can't talk someone out of being like this. Either that's just how they are, or if they do change then it's a long journey they go on themselves.. it won't be due to you getting angry with them.

@LittleGreenDragons yes you are probably right about that. I think it's exasperation and feeling like she's pretty hard to please.

For context, I make dinner every day, clean up every day, make her a packed lunch everyday, and feel like i don't know what else to do to make her know she's loved. i know they are 'tasks' but that's how i show love.

It really sounds like this is not going to last and you may as well bring it to an end before things get worse.

Oh great a drip feed.

Frustrated is a better word

@offyoujollywelltrot Why is an unfolding story a dripfeed?