Partner in massive victim position giving me the 'ick

[robertaplant]

My GF & I were looking at theatre tickets in London as something fun to do, but then she mentioned it was the local beer festival and things shifted. She got upset because she realised hadn’t been added to our friends' WhatsApp group, saying that our mutual friend always adds his partner into everything. Since he created the group, she made me feel terrible about it, even though it wasn’t something I controlled.
She then said she didn’t want to go to anyway and shut down the conversation.
She then wonders why she doesn't have any friends...For perspective she's 38 but feels a lot younger around stuff like this.
I know I should try to see things from her perspective, but it feels like getting punched in the gut repeatedly when she starts pulling this victim crap on me. I literally can't handle it and want to run, but prior to that i get really really angry and i don't understand it.

I can understand where your gf is coming from.

Your friend doesn’t see you as a couple or rather he doesn’t see your gf as a friend otherwise he would have made her part of the WhatsApp group

Whilst the expectation is that you can invite her along to the Beer Festival and the friend won’t mind her coming along
You might not and it wouldn’t matter if she was there or not. She is in the position of being the hanger on in the group

Someone who turns up and people don’t mind being there but not worthy of a proper “invitation” suggesting that if she didn’t come it would be no big deal

Why didn’t you ask for her to be included in the group

I can see where her jealousy comes from if you won’t automatically ask for her to be included as an individual
I too would be asking why a partner didn’t want me to be included in arrangements

Think of it as being put in a position where in a group you have no voice. Your partner and others in the group aren’t interested enough to hear you speak/have an opinion on arrangements
Then when you point this out your partner gets angry

She sounds quite immature really, and oversensitive

I think the last lines say it all. You don’t really want to hang out with her but with your new friends but then you get angry when she points out they are not her friends and she isn’t welcome

Then you get angry when she points out your plans and say she is acting like the victim

OP I am kind of in your GF’s position.

I have never really found it easy to make friends, I get on with people but for one reason or another people never approach me first it’s always the other way round.

My partner on the other hand has a fairly decent social circle, although he downplays it in front of me I think because he knows that it’s not the same for me.

But in general if there is anything social being arranged he is the one who is invited. We know the same people, but they always communicate with him, and I’m never part of that plan. And although he’ll tell me that I’m obviously invited, we both know that they expect him to bring me because we’re together, but that I’m not actively invited, iyswim.

And so I step back for his benefit.

Unlike your GF though I don’t expect him not to go, but if he gets invited somewhere I automatically assume that it’s him being invited and not us.

It doesn’t actually bother me that much. He’s come home on occasion and said “oh x has said that we definitely need to go together next time, they really want to see you,” so I suggest meeting up or doing something and suddenly they’re too busy, and then he gets an invite somewhere when they know I’m not available.

I’m not a victim, people are free to make their decisions about being a part of a friendship group, and I don’t expect my partner to pay the price for that. If I did go I know that we’d all get on, but I don’t want people to feel awkward if I’m there when they know that they hadn’t even thought that I should be included.

You need to work on how angry you're getting. That's not healthy. Honestly you don't sound very nice. "victim crap." "and she wonders why she doesn't have any friends." "I get really really angry." Ugh.

Stop overanalysing things - calling things 'victim mode' etc. Focus on you and your feelings.

If you've spoken about how frustrating it is when she gets the hump, and she still keeps on getting the hump, then you aren't suited.

However, from what you say (very confusing) sound slike you were plannign the theatre, then decided to go to a festival with friends that she hadn't been specifically invited to. Maybe she just preferred the theatre and was disappointed?

It sounds like you don't like her and she's your pet project ('putting her right') rather than a GF, so it's probably time to end it.

She sounds like she lacks maturity as well as the ability to communicate. She is also manipulating the situation and no wonder she is doing your head in.

If you told her honestly how you feel it would probably errupt into a massive argument because she is spoiled.

Or, you could end the relationship because the effect she is having on you is dreadful.

Just dump her then, she sounds pathetic and hard work. Life too short and so many other options out there.

’triggered’?
Leave your hard working nurse to find someone more strong. You don’t sound right for each other. You don’t seem very mature either.

Aren’t you doing the exact same thing as her?!

You have the ick because she is moaning about something and making herself a victim in a situation……….. yet here you are on Mumsnet moaning that you are feeling like you were punched in the gut because she expressed upset about a situation she was excluded from 🤷🏼‍♀️ very hypocritical.

Maybe she would get the ick if she knew you were on Mumsnet making yourself the victim of her upsetting moment.

When was this group created?
Since you have realised he is a distracted new dad, have you reminded him to add your GF?

If you think your friends are becoming her friends, why does the invites have to go through you?

She may have a victim mentality.
You may also have a blaming-my-GF-mentality even in situations where she understandably is upset.
You seem to find grace to excuse others for their imperfections, but not your GF.

Maybe, you both are not right for each other?

I’m not sure if you’re in a healthy relationship, but reading about the drama triangle might help you understand your reaction when you think she’s taking the victim role.
Typically if she’s being a victim, you’ll act as a rescuer or a persecutor, if you recognise this pattern you can stop it. It’s very difficult to stay as a victim if you react in a way that doesn’t encourage it. Eg. “Sorry you felt left out, what could we do to feel more part of things?” And let her answer. You give her the opportunity to rescue herself from her victimhood. An answer could be, go to the beer festival, ask to be part of the WhatsApp group, plan a night out with friends, etc.

That's quite the reaction. What age are you?

Over dramatic from both sides so if this normal you both need to examine how you both look at things and grow up.

"I was triggered when I wrote it."

Now who's playing the victim?!

I came on to say that! Sometimes I’ve noticed things that wind you up unreasonably/disproportionately about other people are traits that you have a problem with yourself, but you might not realise.

You're obviously very social and need more contact if you are WFH. I'm sure some compromise is possible. I agree she is being a bit over sensitive about WhatsApp groups.Not sure why the insistence that she acts like a victim though.

You sound like you're cut from the same cloth tbh. Punch in the gut? Who's playing victim there? Clearly this woman's behaviour isn't something you're happy with so you either tolerate it because her other qualities compensate or you leave her. It will do no one any good to play who's hurt who the most.

This is not the relationship for you and she is giving you the ick. Her default is the victim stance and you seem triggered by it, so I would call time on this honestly.

I agree with this.

OP, she isn't their friend, they are yours. Maybe she already suspected this and maybe it's a dawning realisation.

I'm not saying the following is necessarily true of, or definitely applicable to your girlfriend, but just as an illustration of how these patterns can emerge.

It's likely there is a reason for this stemming back to her childhood. Either trouble in the familial relationships; friendships troubles at school and patterns of behaviour she recognises from previous romantic relationships. If this is the case, it's likely to be more than one of these. Especially if the issues stem from familial relationships.

You admit it's strange she wasn't included in the group chat but think it doesn't matter because everyone knows you will invite her anyway. To her, it would feel like more rejection and more exclusion. Just more 'proof' that she isn't liked, doesn't have any friends and is being 'tolerated' for your sake.

This will make her feel shit about herself.

As a result, she may quietly think you'd be better off with someone else, wonders why you aren't with someone that other people like, maybe you don't actually 'like' her either?

If there is family stuff to explain it, she might feel guilty or ashamed and she might feel bad for you that you are with someome that other people don't like; someone who not even your mutual friends wants to actively include.

Things are good when it's just the two of you because thats safe but other people might feel 'risky' to her. That doesn't make it healthy or right but if that's how she feels, it won't be something she can just logic herself out of.

When you get angry, it will just reinforce this negative spiral of thinking.

Like I say, I'm not saying that the above is true of her - I don't know her! My point was that these patterns of thinking are often very complex and make perfect sense to the person experiencing it.

And tbh, I'd agree with her that these people don't much, or actively like, her. It is strange to set up a group event and include everyone but one person on the assumption someone else will invite her anyway if they are supposed to be mutual friends - it would be normal if they'd never met her or barely knew her. It has sent a clear message to her that they don't actively want her there. And that is what she has heard.

She's also been/being excluded from any of the chat or planning around it and we all know that that is where the fun starts. Instead, she's just being expected to turn up on the day already on the back foot and when she already feels bad about herself.

Yeah it's tedious. This is not a gender thing - men pull this crap too. Couldn't be arsed with it myself. Move on.

Insecurity and immaturity are never a good look. Have you told her that her behaviour is affecting how you see her? Is she aware of her behaviour? At the end of the day this is who she is and if she doesn’t want to change, you can’t make her.

The ball is always in the court of the person who doesn’t like the status quo.

The more you write the more angry you appear to be. Not just frustrated as another pp said but angry, dismissive, resentful, contemptuous. Triggered, punched in gut, claiming to be a victim (shit), she got the arse, pandering.

Quite honestly there's only one person claiming victimhood (according to your own words) and that is you. You are angry and me, me, me and she sounds normal. Maybe she's picking up on your anger and frustration and that is knocking her self confidence and so the cycle continues. Let her go and you do some work on yourself. I repeat my earlier comment - nobody likes an angry man.

Are you a lot younger than her? You sound pretty immature with the words you're using and what you're saying.

If I was not included in a WhatsApp group, I woukd assume I wasn't invited. I'm not joined at the hip to my DH. But besides that, once your partner gives you the 'ick' it's the end of the relationship.

The more you write the more angry you appear to be. Not just frustrated as another pp said but angry, dismissive, resentful, contemptuous. Triggered, punched in gut, claiming to be a victim (shit), she got the arse, pandering.

Tbf, those are just turns of phrase that a lot of people use. It doesn't mean he literally feels like he's been punched in the gut.

I've never seen a woman be berated on here for saying similar. It's generally been accepted as a way of expressing upset and a negative emotional impact.