Partner in massive victim position giving me the 'ick

[robertaplant]

My GF & I were looking at theatre tickets in London as something fun to do, but then she mentioned it was the local beer festival and things shifted. She got upset because she realised hadn’t been added to our friends' WhatsApp group, saying that our mutual friend always adds his partner into everything. Since he created the group, she made me feel terrible about it, even though it wasn’t something I controlled.
She then said she didn’t want to go to anyway and shut down the conversation.
She then wonders why she doesn't have any friends...For perspective she's 38 but feels a lot younger around stuff like this.
I know I should try to see things from her perspective, but it feels like getting punched in the gut repeatedly when she starts pulling this victim crap on me. I literally can't handle it and want to run, but prior to that i get really really angry and i don't understand it.

No, the only time I've seen a woman say that then she has literally been punched in the gut due to DA They are not normal phrases at all and seem to be used for more extreme reactions. If all are used like this in a thread that usually means the OP is the problem. But that's my opinion, you have yours.

Just ask your mate to add her to the whatsapp group

My OH friends and family always arrange stuff and put him in group messages - pisses me off they never include me, but it's basically because they know he will tell me and we go everywhere together anyway

Maybe she's just being over sensitive

She sounds quite controlling. Are her arguments excuses to stop you going out?

So, you spend almost day working alone and crave socialisation. She, as a nurse, spends all day day interacting with people and craves peace and quiet.

Your friend didn't add her to a group chat to festival she doesn't sound like she wanted to go anyway, and it pissed her off as she didn't feel included.

You respond with anger, all triggered, and call her a victim?? Then, turn to strangers on the Internet for advice?

Hmm, maybe split up. You don't seem able to communicate through actual words, packed lunches, and making dinner doesn't replace basic speech.

I think @GreyCarpet ’s post nails it. Has your gf ever talked about how her family relationships were growing up, or how school was for her? Her reaction/behaviour wasn’t formed in a vacuum, whatever the reason behind it.

You also say “everyone will want her there” in an earlier post, but being the one left out of the chat group and never being directly invited gives the impression that either they actually don’t, or they aren’t bothered either way if she’s there or not. Being rejected, excluded, or even just tolerated isn’t nice for anyone.

Jesus this all sounds like very hard work. You are two young healthy people seemingly with none of the major sources of stress - money worries, very young children, etc. This period of your life should be mostly fun and enjoyable, including in your home. I separated from my husband eventually for lots of reasons and post children but my memories of our first five years together are mostly really good - lots of socialising, holidays, having friends to stay, getting ti know each others friends, enjoying times with our own friends, etc etc. This all sounds very dull and hard and for no good reason really.

Tbh she sounds crushingly boring and a pita. I'm in my 50s now and have been with DH a long time. It's important to have the same outlook on things like this. Could you picture yourself putting up with this shit for another 20 years? Sounds like she'd drive any friends you made away long before then. I have my own friends, DH has his own friends, we have some mutual friends. Noone gets worked up about who invites who to a beer festival or who is on a whatsapp group. Sounds completely draining to have to put up with

I understand your concerns. You are someone who makes friends pretty easily, gives people the benefit of the doubt and doesn't read into things or take things personally. She sounds quite insecure - she seems naturally suspicious of people and sort of wants to them to prove her wrong (as opposed to being open and taking people at face value).

I don't have any solutions here really - apart from having a conversation with her about it at a time that you are not feeling angry or annoyed about it.

I can see how it is draining - she has taken being left out of the WhatsApp group as a deliberate exclusion whereas it is almost certainly not this at all - this happens all the time (sometimes I am added to a group and my partner isn't and vice versa). Some people complain about being added because of the 'spam'. You can't win.

So reading between the lines, she’s a hospital doctor or nurse. She’s in a highly stressful, shift-pattern job where she deals with people all day/night long , in potentially traumatic situations. It’s hardly surprising that she doesn’t want to come home from a long shift to a houseful of people- you need to plan and agree dates for things like that.

Your language choices are telling. You seem disproportionately angry and contemptuous of your partner. Your partner got upset about being left out of a group, and your response is to use trauma/ violence centred language around being punched/triggered. You talk about victim mentality when your partner disagrees with you. It looks like you’re trying to justify your anger. It’s probably safest for all if you separate- it’s hard to see how a relationship so deeply rooted in blame and contempt can survive.

Let me give you some perspective. I recently moved cities with my partner. He already has some family here so frequently hangs out with them and made some friends this way. I work from home and, while I made some friends via my job, all my closest friends are back in London and I do feel pretty isolated. It does colour my judgement of how my partner and his friends act. They do very much exclude me from their group to the point where someone gets tickets to a gig and they only get enough to accommodate their immediate group and my partner. I don't exist as far as I am concerned.
I last saw his cousin 2 years ago even though we live in the same city and my partner sees him regularly. I just assumed they are not interested in getting to know me. Fair enough. I don't actually mind my partner socialising independently but when I never get invited to group things, it feels deliberate.
I do feel annoyed by it and I don't even bother discussing it with my partner or any of them. It sucks big time and has nothing to do with "victim mentality". Yes, we still spend a lot of time as a couple. That's not the point.
Fair enough, you don't manage whatsapp group but I don't see how difficult it is to ask your mate to add your partner in. You seem to lack basic empathy. Probably best to leave the relationship if that is the case.

I'm not 'allowed' to invite any friends over to the house when she's in because 'she's too knaccered and drained' I'm a really sociable person and I find people interesting / inspiring.

So meet them somewhere else if she's tired, it's not a frat house.

@XiCi It is draining. She turns down any invites from my other couple friends as well (for example a weekend in Wales later this month). Unless it's 5 star accommodation, she turns her nose up and in this instance says the couple are boring. They're my oldest friends, they're not boring. I am going to end up having an entirely separate social life from her at this rate

Has she ever described herself as a victim? I ask because (based on your description) she sounds insecure, and like she relies on you a lot to be her emotional outlet/supporter. I wouldn't like that either in a relationship. But you seem to have framed it quite fixedly in your mind as "her playing the victim", "victim shit" etc. That's not helpful because there could be numerous other reasons for her behaviour than seeing herself as a victim, wanting you to think she is a victim. It also means that any future issues are likely to be framed as her playing the victim - in this case maybe she is completely in the wrong and you are completely in the right. But if you start with this template then every disagreement will fall into it - you see her as being a victim from the out and start to get cross. That will make it impossible to resolve conflicts or have a healthy relationship.

Do also think about what causes you first to immediately perceive her behaviour as playing the victim, and secondly what about it makes you very angry. In my own case, I was brought up to be very "tough" and not make a fuss etc. So I did feel automatic resentment when friends etc got upset/asked for sympathy in cases where I thought "I would never ask for sympathy in that situation. I would suffer in silence." How I interpret their actions was more to do with my own past and thought processes than theirs basically. Its very common but its worth thinking about.

You might also be incompatible. Don't stay in a relationship with someone you feel contempt for whatever the reason. It will make you a much less nice person.

@Catza thanks for the perspective and hopefully you will make some nice connections in time

I hope she leaves you.

ETA: You don't sound very compassionate at all.

I actually have another question, but I don't know how to ask it without it coming across as an attack/personal criticism which isn't how its meant at all...

She gets very easily jelous of any female friendships i've had, i've had to cull a few, but no big deal there.

Having to cull friendships because your partner is jealous of them IS a big deal.

She's very red flaggy.

You need to listen to My Girl by Madness

@LushAquaticWonderland Exactly this. She is naturally suspicious / very particular about who she spends time with. I have wound up being the person that organises our tiny social life, (perhaps she doesn't really want a social life !) as like others have said her work is very social.

Be careful to not lose your support network. Do not decline all the invites, do not stop seeing friends, do not always give in when she says no to inviting people round. She doesn't get to trounce all your needs to be social, your needs matter too. As well as that, it's not just her house, she can't say that you guys can never entertain, never invite anyone, only socialise together, you have to decline things because she doesn't want to go.

If you were a woman saying this, this feed would be very different, it'd be LTB, he's trying to separate you from your friends, it's coercive and controlling, manipulative etc. Go back and read some old posts, there are many.

“This victim shit” makes you sound the immature one, frankly. Also it’s a really horrible way to talk about someone you supposedly love. Do you live together ?

Just a general reminder that you don’t have to be in a relationship if you don’t want to, you are free to call it a day. You don’t need anyone’s permission if it not for you anymore. better sooner rather than later.

But have to say all this talk of triggered, punched in the gut repeatedly, literally want to run etc suggests she isn’t the one capable of activating victim mode, that’s quite histrionic talk for relatively minor matters.

@biscuitandcake ask away
@Jimmyneutronsforehead I'm exasperated at this point, it's been going on for over 2 years.
@theleafandnotthetree I agree

You sound difficult to communicate with. And need to work on that as it could be part of the problem. She sounds a bit of a pain in the neck and one of those folk always moaning about something. Maybe time to call it a day and find somebody more on your wavelength.

@Christwosheds It's hard to describe but when a pattern plays out repeatedly it's like a game you're about to play and you already know how it ends....

I am always the perpetrator she's always the victim and i get angry because, here we are again

When my friend first created the whatsapp group my first sinking feeling thought was, "oh no,...he forgot to include my girlf.....' so I ignored the festival as I knew this would happen. She was the one who reminded me of the festival, i put it out of my head.