To not want to pay the money back

[djspaoxndn]

Posting here as genuinely not sure if I am being unreasonable or not and want honest responses.

I had first DC 6 months ago which is my mums first grandchild. My mum kept asking me what she could buy for the baby to which I said it was fine, she didn't need to buy anything etc etc.

We went shopping and I was going to buy my pushchair and cot and my mum offered to pay. I said no but she absolutely insisted and said she wanted to and she was so excited. She also threw me a surprise baby shower (not really my thing but I appreciated the effort she went to).

After the baby shower she kept moaning for weeks to me about how much it cost her and how much effort she had put in and how little effort DH family have made. To be honest it put a damper on things but I didn't say anything.

She came round for dinner last week and said to me she had paid for my pushchair and cot on a credit card. She said the interest is expensive and she is going to be paying it off for years. She then said to me could I contribute £110 a month towards the payment so it would be paid off quicker.

My mum has money (both her and my dad have good jobs). They aren't wealthy but definitely not struggling. She said she wanted to buy it but now seemingly can't afford it. However, I know she spends a lot of money on holidays and clothes/nights out etc and she can easily afford the payment.

I agreed to pay but haven't told DH yet. I actually feel really hurt about it all and whilst we can afford the money, I'm on maternity pay and it's a bill I hadn't accounted for and will impact on what we can afford the end of the month. I just feel annoyed as I would have paid it myself at the time if I had of known. I also took her for dinner, bought flowers/chocolates and made a big deal of saying thank you when in fact I'm now paying for the majority of it anyway.

I have always thought she is a narcissist or has narcissistic traits. I do really love her and we are close but she has form for saying or doing horrible things sometimes. We have spent more time together as I have been on mat leave and think it will be better for our relationship once I am back at work.

This is a good idea

She said she wanted to buy it but now seemingly can't afford it. However, I know she spends a lot of money on holidays and clothes/nights out etc and she can easily afford the payment.

but she can’t easily afford the payment because of her lifestyle which appears to be more important.

That’s not so bad if you were going to buy them and still have the money to give her. Infuriating though to be put through this at this time.

I went NC with my own mother after years of that type of behaviour. Took me until I was 50 to do it though. I would very strongly suggest you reduce contact with her and don’t ever leave your child alone with her.

I would find a way to pay the £1000 and £500 to pay her back, not the interest. You're not paying for all of her shit ideas OP.

I'd pay her the money and tell her the interest is her own business, but she shpild understand that whilst your DHs family did nothing, she's actually added stress to you by trying to involve herself like she has and go very low contact
She sounds like a constant drama

The baby shower was for your mum, not you and not your baby (congrats btw!). It was purely for her to preen and show off - that's what narcs do. I went NC with someone close to me - this is just the sort of thing they would have done. I am still catching up on the thread (but have read your posts thus far), so I am sure someone has mentioned the Stately Homes threads, but if not, pop over there and have a look. I think you might find it useful. Take care and enjoy your baby 🤗

Since you were going to buy the items anyway, I would just find the 1500 and pay her that. More for your sake than anything. Then don't accept any 'generous' offers from her ever again. I know it's a lot of money to come up with but the peace of mind might be worth it. I wouldn't be making her a monthly payment that exceeded the total cost of the items in the end. Her choice to put it on the credit card. If she couldn't afford it, she shouldn't have offered.

I’d just give her the cost of it, as you were going to pay for it anyway, and be done with. Very frustrating. I wouldn’t be accepting anymore gifts

@djspaoxndn in your original post, you said 'I do really love her and we are close...' Do you think your mum's actions are the actions of someone you'd want to be close to? What was your childhood like with this woman? It sounds like your dad is an enabler too - he just wants a quiet life so will go along with whatever she says.

Narcissists CAN be kind and funny - they do this as they want to keep you on side. The rest of the time they're a nightmare. I had to go NC with mine as they nearly gave me a breakdown. They make your head spin and you start to doubt yourself - as you are here.

Can I ask you this? What do you think will happen when your baby starts to grow up? When nanny starts behaving like this with your toddler or older child? Because she will - she doesn't know how to do anything else.

She would be nice in between, that's how they keep you hooked. I hope that the conversation with your husband goes well and that he backs you up whatever you decide. You really don't need to pay this back plus interest though. You can say no. She badger's yiu because she knows you eventually give in. If she comes round banging on tne door, call the police with a noise complaint.

Bless you OP. She sounds challenging. Talk to DH and tackle it as a team, you will feel better with whatever you decide, if you have that support.

Sadly my mum is quite like this. After my second child I completely cut contact. I realised just how abusive she was and how much she didn't care about me. We didn't share the same values and I didn't want my children exposed to her manipulative melt downs. I feel so much better for doing so. The guilt and shame over this fucking pram and cot is unreal, she's totally shifted herself into a victim role and if you don't do what she says, you are the abuser. It won't change sadly. I'd offer to help her switch her card to 0% but firmly say she needs to take responsibility for her choices. A gift is a gift, you don't demand money plus interest back later. If she screams shouts bangs on your door, tells family your horrible - let her. You can't control how she reacts only how you do.

This is no way for a grown woman to behave, like a tantruming toddler not getting her way. My mum is exactly the same. And every time people give in for a quiet life she learns it works and the behaviour continues. It’s really hard to stand up to someone when that’s how you get treated but I would on this occasion. Explain she insisted on this and you now don’t have the funds. I wonder if your dad found out and is now unhappy himself that she took it on?

I am another one who would find the £1500 and pay it to her and then be done.

No way would I enter into a situation where I am paying her a monthly amount covering her credit card bill / interest for an indefinite period of time.

I also echo a pp who mentioned Christmas, make it clear you will not be buying Christmas presents for your mum as money is now tight and do not expect anything from her.

Low contact all the way.

Sounds like my narcissistic mother.

Best thing I ever did for my mental health and happiness was cut all contact with her. I did this years ago and have been drama free ever since. My sister has done the same.

I recommend it.

Let her.

Buy yourself a decent pair of ear plugs because you know in your heart you are not horrible, selfish or any of the horrible names she may resort to calling you. Those are fake tears she's crying and she is manipulating everyone to dance to her tune.

Block her number on your phone or buy yourself a cheap phone with a new number put the SIM card into that handset and put it in a drawer so you don't have to deal with her.

Report her for harassment if she shows up at your house and if it's not to apologise to you.

Get the word out before her to relatives saying "I don't know what I can do - I don't have the money to pay for these gifts that mum gave me but she is now looking for me to pay for. I mean really who in this world buys someone a gift and then months later turns around and asks the recipient to pay for them?!" and you could even prepare them for the onslaught of your mother. Be the one in control of this story if you haven't been on previous occasions.

Lean into your husband on how to deal with her. Use this as a reset button if you will on your relationship because she has been pulling your strings all along and you have got hold of a big pair of scissors to cut those strings - so CUT!

You've tried to set boundaries in the past and she has trampled on them. Try again. I think this time, with the support you have on the boards here, you might actually succeed - but you have to be firm and stick with it and not cave into her antics.

YOU CAN DO THIS.

@djspaoxndn how did the chat your your DH go?

She would scream, shout, cry, call me horrible, selfish, horrible names etc. If I hang up on her she will continue to call me and text and if I don't reply she would come to my house and shout outside my door. She would tell all my family I have been horrible and nasty to her (without saying why or what I had done) and emotionally blackmail me.

Her behaviour constitutes harassment. Whether or not you'd ever call the police on her, just know that what she is doing is illegal and if it was a stranger or someone else you would call the police on them. And if she is shouting outside your door and you do call the police, IMHO that will be the last time she tries that. She does it because she knows it works.

You have the right to live a peaceful life. You can go NC. It will be difficult at first but you can do it. If your family hassles you, then go NC with them too. They do not deserve you. And you can't be emotionally blackmailed by someone you have blocked.

I have had this my whole life whenever I have said no or not done things her way. When I have tried to put boundaries in place it has caused me nothing but heartache by all the things she has said and done.

As above, she does these things because they work. You need to change the dynamic so they stop working and she stops doing them. Hard at first, but worth it. Yes, you'll be scared of her reaction for awhile, but isn't that better than being scared of her reaction for the rest of your life?

However, in between this she can be kind and funny. She isn't all bad.

That doesn't matter. Listen if I were your friend but was only 'nice' when I got my way and every time you did something I didn't like I berated you, shouted at you, badmouthed you would you still be my friend? No. You'd drop me like a hot potato. So why do you accept that same behaviour from someone who is supposed to love and support you even more than a friend would?

I don't know if I have the energy right now to deal with it all. DH will be home from work soon so I will speak to him about it then. I have felt sick all day.

Good, talk to him. But don't just vent and let him comfort you. The two of you together need to be resolved that this will not happen again and make a plan to see that it doesn't. And he needs to support you and be your rock and your shield in this.

And may I suggest you consider counseling? Sounds to me like you have some things and emotional 'knots' that need unraveling. Counseling can help you do that and emerge stronger and happier.

Good luck to you. Lean on your DH, stand strong together.

That’s no way for a mum to behave. I’d reduce contact and tell her you are upset because of the way she has behaved and you need some time. I’d also tell your OH everything.

So, she has bought you a present, accepted all the things you gave her in return for said present but now she's decided she wants the money back for said present?. Tell her to take a run and jump! Appalling behaviour from a mother to her own child and grand baby. Tell her that she wanted to buy you these things even though you said you would pay. Tell her you don't have the money to give her now you have the baby and in future it would be best if she didn't buy anything else for you. Then, distance yourself, no loving mother would put there child in this position! Do things your way or not at all and buy things yourself so they can't throw it back in your face.

This is a horrible way to treat a pregnant daughter - do not pay!
Tell her your finances aren’t good at the moment either.

I would put it in the car, drop it off at her house and buy one of your own. On a credit card if need be

Agree this is really crap, no wonder you feel down about it. I don’t think it’s fair to put this on you at all and especially bad now you are on mat leave.

Does she put the clothes/holidays on the card as well? Wondering why the CC bill is so high.

You didn't need or want a new pushchair or cot. Where I live you could've probably got beautiful ones free or from an NCT Sale.

Also... How much did your Mum spend to think she deserves £110 a month!?

She is being completely unreasonable. She's already getting you to lie to your husband...

Can you cancel the holiday OP and still get most of the money back?

Obviously you couldn’t help spending on home repairs.