To not want to pay the money back

[djspaoxndn]

Posting here as genuinely not sure if I am being unreasonable or not and want honest responses.

I had first DC 6 months ago which is my mums first grandchild. My mum kept asking me what she could buy for the baby to which I said it was fine, she didn't need to buy anything etc etc.

We went shopping and I was going to buy my pushchair and cot and my mum offered to pay. I said no but she absolutely insisted and said she wanted to and she was so excited. She also threw me a surprise baby shower (not really my thing but I appreciated the effort she went to).

After the baby shower she kept moaning for weeks to me about how much it cost her and how much effort she had put in and how little effort DH family have made. To be honest it put a damper on things but I didn't say anything.

She came round for dinner last week and said to me she had paid for my pushchair and cot on a credit card. She said the interest is expensive and she is going to be paying it off for years. She then said to me could I contribute £110 a month towards the payment so it would be paid off quicker.

My mum has money (both her and my dad have good jobs). They aren't wealthy but definitely not struggling. She said she wanted to buy it but now seemingly can't afford it. However, I know she spends a lot of money on holidays and clothes/nights out etc and she can easily afford the payment.

I agreed to pay but haven't told DH yet. I actually feel really hurt about it all and whilst we can afford the money, I'm on maternity pay and it's a bill I hadn't accounted for and will impact on what we can afford the end of the month. I just feel annoyed as I would have paid it myself at the time if I had of known. I also took her for dinner, bought flowers/chocolates and made a big deal of saying thank you when in fact I'm now paying for the majority of it anyway.

I have always thought she is a narcissist or has narcissistic traits. I do really love her and we are close but she has form for saying or doing horrible things sometimes. We have spent more time together as I have been on mat leave and think it will be better for our relationship once I am back at work.

She sounds horrible. I'd refuse to pay and go low contact with her. She's made her bed...

So she wanted the glory of buying the items but not to actually buy the items? Hand them back op. And buy your own stuff. No strings then. If she can't return them she can sell them on.. But not to you. Bare this grudge imo.

Do not pay it. She's absolutely taking the piss and she'll keep doing that if she can get away with it.

She wanted the glory of putting on the shower and being the generous granny but it's all for show.

"No, I said when you bought it I couldnt afford it"

Look I'd pay it because honestly the hassle of not doing so wouldn't be worth it to me. But I'd also dramatically reduce my contact and her ability to ever pull a stunt like this again

How much did they cost and how much will it cost you overall if you give her £110 a month? Might it be better just to give her the total cost, as you were going to buy them yourself, and leave her with any interest?

No way would I be paying back her credit card. You didnt ask for them to be bought.

You need to say, on reflection, I cant commit to the monthly payment it may leave us short. I would have had the money to buy them outright originally but put that towards other things as you very generously offered to buy them.

Your mum has behaved appallingly badly. Remember that we teach people how to treat us. Dont accept this horrible narcissistic power play. She wants the rush of feeling magnanimous and special in the moment, then has buyers remorse and wants to lob it back at you. But shes already used what she paid for, ie that glow of being generous and getting the credit of being a wonderful mum and gran. I liked the earlier suggestion of returning the goods to her - that really turns the whole situation on its head. You are no longer beholden to her in any way (not that I think you were in the first place, these things were clearly a gift), and she is stuck with the consequences of her actions. Remember this feeling of being let down and dont ever accept anything from her again. She's shown you who she is, dont forget the lesson. And make up your mind to be a person whose word and unconditional love, your baby can always rely on. Hugs OP! What a shit situation but you are in no way at fault.

I would pay the £10 a month and cut contact with her or go very low contact.

I'd make it clear she had massively let me down and that it had affected the way I thought about her, and I didn't really want to spend time with her any longer.

It's cheap at a tenner a month to get rid of her.

It's £110 per month not ten PP

If it's not too late, I'd return the items and get her a refund, then buy them myself.

If you can't do that, I'd refund the full cost and I'd also give her the money for the baby shower.

I'm assuming she's always been like this if not, then perhaps she does have money problems you don't know about. Either way, I wouldn't accept anything from her again.

Except it’s £110 a month which is significantly harder to find when on mat leave.

Except it says in the OP that it’s £110 per month that she’s asking for

I would offer her the cost of the items if you can still afford it - you say you were going to buy them yourself, so I’m assuming they weren’t too far out of your budget? Certainly don’t get tied in to a monthly expense. She may conveniently forget to tell you once it’s actually paid off; she will continue to use that card, so your “gifts” won’t be the only things on there.

I’d tell her that you can’t afford to add a new monthly cost without a defined end date, and that you will give her (the whole cost, or whatever amount you can afford) as a lump sum towards the items. If she still can’t manage to pay off the credit card, it isn’t this “gift” that’s the problem. She won’t like this, but tough. Remind her that you didn’t want her to pay for these things in the first place, and this “problem” is not your fault. She offered you a gift and now wants you to pay for it - not all at once, as you wanted to, but via her credit card. Why should you be paying off interest because she got excited and overspent in order to look like the generous, doting grandmother?

And if she tries to make a big gesture like this again, refuse if you can. I know it’s hard and may offend her, but she’s not worried about being really rude and hurtful to you over this, so you need to take care of your own feelings, because you can’t rely on her to do so.

Baby is 6 months - I am assuming pram at least is now well used and cot very likely built even if not slept in. You cant just return them.

Why on earth would you agree to pay for it AND at that amount per month!?

Tell her to take it back and to piss off.

Edit - nevermind missed age of baby. Just tell her to piss off then.

Part of the problem is that she’s put it on a high interest credit card by the sounds of it and therefore it’s costing more than it originally would have. Therefore her “kind gesture” could end up costing the Op more than if she hadn’t bothered.

If you do pay her back the £110, I would make sure that she is actually paying off the card with it and not spending it on something else, whilst still incurring interest still.
I'd ask to see the credit card statement so you can set up payments direct from your bank account, rather than through her.

You said you intended to buy the items yourself, so presumably you'd budged for them? Personally to avoid any bad feeling I'd just pay the amount back and never allow her to buy anything similar again.

I'd quite literally fling the cost of the items back to her and never accept a gift from her again. She wanted the glory of being the generous gift giver but now doesn't want to pay for the gift. It would also dramatically change how I feel about her and how I see her.

If you would have bought cash it's not fair that you end up paying endless interest on her purchase on her credit card. Offer the actual cash price, over a period of time if you can't now do it in one go. Give her the money as her Christmas present if you want to have a real dig.

Tell her to take the pram back. I wouldn't be paying her back under any of those circumstances. How frustrating and annoying. I can only imagine how your life has been growing up. If you do, she'll do these things again. How manipulative and horrible to tarnish this lovely time for you.

Yes but having that money whilst pregnant is not the same as now six months later during mat leave, probably been allocated to something else.

Why don't you casually mention it to your dad? I reckon your mum has some spending issues and some hidden debt.
She definitely has dysfunctional ADHD / narcissistic traits (before I get lambasted, I am not referring to normal ADHD behaviour)

If you can afford it, I'd just send the lump sum for the items rather than committing to a random monthly payment (that probably includes a load of interest on large CC debt) and never accept a gift from her again