To not want to pay the money back

[djspaoxndn]

Posting here as genuinely not sure if I am being unreasonable or not and want honest responses.

I had first DC 6 months ago which is my mums first grandchild. My mum kept asking me what she could buy for the baby to which I said it was fine, she didn't need to buy anything etc etc.

We went shopping and I was going to buy my pushchair and cot and my mum offered to pay. I said no but she absolutely insisted and said she wanted to and she was so excited. She also threw me a surprise baby shower (not really my thing but I appreciated the effort she went to).

After the baby shower she kept moaning for weeks to me about how much it cost her and how much effort she had put in and how little effort DH family have made. To be honest it put a damper on things but I didn't say anything.

She came round for dinner last week and said to me she had paid for my pushchair and cot on a credit card. She said the interest is expensive and she is going to be paying it off for years. She then said to me could I contribute £110 a month towards the payment so it would be paid off quicker.

My mum has money (both her and my dad have good jobs). They aren't wealthy but definitely not struggling. She said she wanted to buy it but now seemingly can't afford it. However, I know she spends a lot of money on holidays and clothes/nights out etc and she can easily afford the payment.

I agreed to pay but haven't told DH yet. I actually feel really hurt about it all and whilst we can afford the money, I'm on maternity pay and it's a bill I hadn't accounted for and will impact on what we can afford the end of the month. I just feel annoyed as I would have paid it myself at the time if I had of known. I also took her for dinner, bought flowers/chocolates and made a big deal of saying thank you when in fact I'm now paying for the majority of it anyway.

I have always thought she is a narcissist or has narcissistic traits. I do really love her and we are close but she has form for saying or doing horrible things sometimes. We have spent more time together as I have been on mat leave and think it will be better for our relationship once I am back at work.

That does sound pretty awful. Even if she can be kind and funny in between the tantrums and abusive behaviour, you must be just waiting for her to turn nasty again. What if she starts using these tactics on your DC as they get older?

I would definitely go low contact with her.

Did you get the pram you wanted to purchase or did she choose. If she just got the items you wanted rather than choosing herself then you could perhaps pay her the money you were going to pay anyway. I don’t like the fact that it was something that you thought you didn’t have to consider anymore and it’s landed at your feet though and if you in anyway spent anymore money than you would of if she wasn’t there then don’t give that money back. Also do it on your terms if you do end up giving her anything don’t just pay her credit card payment amount. Pay less or more. It can be in no way connected as that could also come back and bite you.

She said the £110 a month payment takes into account interest and is more than the minimum amount. She isn't going to spend anything else on the credit card and will let me know when it's paid off.

This absolutely wouldn't wash with me. She could have younpaying her credit card bill forever at a cost you can't really afford. Given you would have paid for them at the time I think you need to make some kind of plan with your DH to give her the cost of the kit, however I wouldnt be covering any credit card interest or offering any open ended payments.

You do need to break this cycle of doing exactly what she wants otherwise she throws a temper tantrum. That is not helpful to anyone. You have to ignore her phone calls and call the police if she turns up at your door making a scene I guess. But you do not want her thinking she can carry this on with your child too - children as you know do not need to carry this guilt if someone else's happiness- it can have lasting impacts.

As you can afford it and had planned on paying I would ask her how much the items were and pay that off via a 0% credit card as a fuck you.

Then never ever accept anything again.

This sounds exactly like my mother. She hasn’t been formally diagnosed but a consultant psychiatrist who knows her well says she’s a covert narcissist with borderline personality disorder. She would behave as you have described. Piling on the guilt until you feel worthless. I learnt from an early age to accommodate her whims as a survival mechanism. Sadly this has become our adult relationship. I wish I could offer advice on a solution but I don’t have one. Good luck and please know you’re not alone or at fault. X

I’d be very careful round your babies birthdays and Christmases, OP!
You could find yourself on the end of more grand show-offy gestures and expensive presents for the little one… followed by the bill for them a few weeks later! This must be very annoying for you and your new family🫤

However, in between this she can be kind and funny. She isn't all bad.

Not good enough though!

You wouldn't tolerate it from a friend or OH!

Tell her not to buy any Christmas or birthday presents for any of you for the next five years instead of paying anything back and ignore her tantrums.

I could have written this 15 years ago when my children were small, I was terrified of being "disobedient" and let my parents treat me like shit. The most liberating thing I ever did was cut contact with them and refuse to participate in the constant drama. Very low contact now (after 5 years of NC) but it's all on my terms and I walk away the second the old shit starts. Literally doesn't get to me at all now.
In your situation I would just give her the money in a lump sum and walk away. I hope you find a way to deal with it all, honestly you don't have to live with this

However, in between this she can be kind and funny. She isn't all bad.

So are abusive men.

For some reason we find it more acceptable when a woman is controlling, abusive or narcissistic but it shouldn’t be.

She’s probably nice when she gets her own way and she’s the centre of attention.

I guess you’ve been busy with the baby and she’s now jealous and is trying to cause an argument so the attention is back on her.

Pay the money back in full.

If she ever shouts at you on the phone then just put it down and if she rings back answer.
If she asks you why you put the phone down then say it’s because she was shouting. If she starts shouting again, put it down again and leave it a while before you answer again.

Take steps to putting your boundaries in place (it’s very difficult when you have grown up and been conditioned to accept this behaviour).

She didn’t give you a gift, she gave you a burden.

She went to the shop, acted the big spender .. nothing but the best.

& gives u the bill, just awful.

Yeah...no...I think I would just get a 0% interest credit card and money transfer her £1500. She can pay off the interest herself seeing as it was her choice to put it on a credit card with an interest rate.

She sounds awful. Why do you want her in your life at all?

I'd just send her the amount for the cot and pram minus the thank you dinner and gifts. Then be done with her.

She's taking money away from your baby with this credit card interest nonsense. Are you sure she even put it on cc? Is she just trying to make a profit from you? Who's stupid enough to not pay cc off in full each month?

She would scream, shout, cry, call me horrible, selfish, horrible names etc. If I hang up on her she will continue to call me and text and if I don't reply she would come to my house and shout outside my door. She would tell all my family I have been horrible and nasty to her (without saying why or what I had done) and emotionally blackmail me.

She’s a nasty bully. Keep appeasing her and she will get worse. Stand up to her. If she starts any of the above tell her your partner will go to the police and report her for harassment. Honestly, do you really want your DC to grow up thinking this is normal? She’ll start on them before you know it…

I don't reply she would come to my house and shout outside my door. She would tell all my family I have been horrible and nasty to her (without saying why or what I had done) and emotionally blackmail me
what!?
I'd pour water over her from an upstairs window
'oh sorry, I thought it was cats fighting'
why are you letting this nutcase control you OP?

Based on your update op, I double down on cutting her off. It will be awful and she'll throw everything at you to make you back down, but you go through it now and then never have to deal with her again. Her being nice inbetween is part of the game, don't play her games just grey rock her

Block her and call the police if she turns up. She needs help for her mh. Surely you don't allow her near your dc?

DH won't be cross with me about the situation, he will be angry with my mother and may say something to her. I know she will act volatile back and throw in his face that his family didn't help and it may escalate.

TBH your mother has hardly help either, caused more stress than help..

I'd definitely talk it over with DH just so as he's kept informed of what's going on.

I know you're on mat leave but I'd ask DH if there's anyway you could pay off half, as in £750 and leave it at that, I certainly wouldn't pay any of the interest and me being me would also want a written receipt, signed, at the time of handing the money over.

I'd then put it all behind you, never discuss it with her again, changing the subject if need be, and have very little contact with her infuture.

She is so abusive.

You really need to consider going low or no contact. For your own sake.

I also took her for dinner, bought flowers/chocolates and made a big deal of saying thank you when in fact I'm now paying for the majority of it anyway.

Tell her you'e knocking the price of that lot plus interest off the debt so will only be paying £100 a month.

And never, never take anything she offers to buy again.

I wouldn't.

Massive difference is that you SAVED for these things {I too have bought 'luxuries' that people might wince at, but I saved first- {rather than buying on credit and having to pay the massive interest}

Credit cards are insane as the APR % is so high.

Oh that's terrible.

She doesn't sound of sound mind.

This isn't how 'normal' mothers treat their adult children.

This is seriously extreme, manipulative behaviour.

I wouldn't be paying £110pm!
If you must offer what you can afford and tell her you haven't budgeted for this.

My instinct is to pay her the £1500 on a credit card and pay it off yourself. This ringfences your liability and somewhat closes off the argument that you should still be beholden to her. It would be all too easy for her payments to slip and she demands more and more of you.

You need to build walls round this somehow for any hope of moving on from it, and giving her the money as fast and finally as possible is the swiftest way to limit further damage and exposure to her games. I haven't been through exactly what you have but perhaps a little closer than most.