To not want to pay the money back

[djspaoxndn]

Posting here as genuinely not sure if I am being unreasonable or not and want honest responses.

I had first DC 6 months ago which is my mums first grandchild. My mum kept asking me what she could buy for the baby to which I said it was fine, she didn't need to buy anything etc etc.

We went shopping and I was going to buy my pushchair and cot and my mum offered to pay. I said no but she absolutely insisted and said she wanted to and she was so excited. She also threw me a surprise baby shower (not really my thing but I appreciated the effort she went to).

After the baby shower she kept moaning for weeks to me about how much it cost her and how much effort she had put in and how little effort DH family have made. To be honest it put a damper on things but I didn't say anything.

She came round for dinner last week and said to me she had paid for my pushchair and cot on a credit card. She said the interest is expensive and she is going to be paying it off for years. She then said to me could I contribute £110 a month towards the payment so it would be paid off quicker.

My mum has money (both her and my dad have good jobs). They aren't wealthy but definitely not struggling. She said she wanted to buy it but now seemingly can't afford it. However, I know she spends a lot of money on holidays and clothes/nights out etc and she can easily afford the payment.

I agreed to pay but haven't told DH yet. I actually feel really hurt about it all and whilst we can afford the money, I'm on maternity pay and it's a bill I hadn't accounted for and will impact on what we can afford the end of the month. I just feel annoyed as I would have paid it myself at the time if I had of known. I also took her for dinner, bought flowers/chocolates and made a big deal of saying thank you when in fact I'm now paying for the majority of it anyway.

I have always thought she is a narcissist or has narcissistic traits. I do really love her and we are close but she has form for saying or doing horrible things sometimes. We have spent more time together as I have been on mat leave and think it will be better for our relationship once I am back at work.

I’d do this! If you can afford it just pay her the purchase price of the items and then go very low contact.

If you can’t afford the lump sum, work out what you CAN pay her - maybe half this month and half next - and tell her that you will not be paying any interest she incurs on gifts that she insisted on buying at the time. Then go very low / no contact.

Could you put half on a 0% card & you pay that & leave her to sort rest

Your mother is clearly abusive, unhinged and volatile.
Your poor husband having her in his life.
You are deep in denial that you would have her near your child.

I would be very pissed off if I was your husband that you accepted her offers in the first place when she clearly has form for being a deeply nasty woman.

Her actions are undoubtedly deliberate and intended to cause upset and stress.

If your childs well-being is your priority you will repay the 1500 somehow, and have absolutely nothing further to do with her.

Tell her no and cut her off, neither of your parents are people that deserve children nor grandchildren, she will do the same to your DD eventually, how does that sit with you?

Come on op, you need to take a stand here and say no. Go NC and relax for once away from the drama. Say No.

I would tell her no and (given everything else you have said about her) not care one little bit about what she did/said next because I would happily go NC and not allow her near my child - she sounds awful.

But, if you are going to let her do this - do NOT do it her way because it honestly sounds like she is trying to scam you. £110 per month, that includes the interest (interest is her problem not yours, you don't pay a penny of it) until she tells you it's paid off? hell no. You could end up paying her CC for months after those items are paid off and you wouldn't have a clue.

I hope your DH gets angry about this, you should both be furious.

Blimey, with a Mother like this, who needs enemies?

I wouldn't return the money my father did the same to me. I've not returned the money and we've not spoken about it since.

£110 a month? Dear Lord how much did she spend? Is the cot gold plated? And how long does she expect you to be paying her back for? Don't do it OP.

OP, you have a cake.

The bottom layer contains enough arsenic to make you sick, the top layer is full of cat hair, the jam in between is a good quality tasty jam.

Do you eat the cake?

If not, why do you you put up with your mother?

She would tell all my family I have been horrible and nasty to her (without saying why or what I had done) and emotionally blackmail me.

OP has no other member of your family picked up on your mother's behaviour?

So, because it’s in a high interest credit card, is it going to cost you more to pay it off than it would have been for you to buy it at the time?

I would not be paying her entire credit card bill each month - how do you know that you aren’t paying for other stuff too? I would say, I’ve checked my finances and I will pay you £50 per month until £1500 is paid minus whatever you spent to say thank you. Then never accept anything from her ever again. I wouldn’t worry about the inevitable fallout because I’d be avoiding her anyway!

If there's any way you could pay her the £1500, I'd do that, and she can fuck off for the interest! Why should they cost you any more than they would have done if you had just bought them at the time!

It's a rotten stunt to pull, especially as you are on maternity leave x

Hopfully your dh has a stern word with her x

As i have said before i dont think you are under any obligation to pay her back at all, however if you do decide to pay her money back, however much you decide on, make sure you do it by bank transfer, just so that theres a trail of proof, as i think you may need that given what you have said about her behaviour since your opening post

That's really awful. She got the glory of buying those things for you and now she wants you to pay for them!

I wouldn't give her a penny. If she wasn't in contact for a long time, that would be her decision.

What if you called all your family members and tell them before she can? Tell them you are worried about her finances and ask if they can borrow you money to repay her. Maybe she will all of a sudden decide she can afford it? If not make a payment plan (50£/ month) and never ever except a gift again. If she wants to give you something for Christmas just say that you can't afford her "gifts" and she can start by gifting what she already did gift... I would not put up with shit like this. Don't know why you do OP. Just keep her away from your DC whatever you do. She sounds really unhinged.

That's rubbish, OP
She offered!

I think that is appalling behaviour by your mother. She offered to buy the things, she has to suck it up.

However you have agreed to pay it off now. I wish you hadn't but it's done.

Don't do it all of a rush and be extra-guarded when it comes to your mum playing Lady Bountiful in future; it comes with a cost.

What a very odd thing to say.

I wouldn't pay a penny of this. Your mum has been stupidly extravagant and the fact that it was in relation to something you needed for your baby (but didn't ask her for) is neither here nor there. What will she buy next on credit and ask you to pay for? I would say no, and suggest that she gets some help with her spending problem. Also sell the item she bought and give her the proceeds towards her debt, then buy your own one that you can afford. Honestly!

Nobody is 'completely horrible' and your mum no doubt has some lovely qualities but this behaviour is not OK and you aren't doing her any favours by indulging it. Treat as you would one of your children, with love and concern but firmly.

Don't pay her anything, if she complains just block. If family members complain to you, also block them. If she comes to your house to shout at you, call the police. If she harasses you in other ways, go to the police. It sounds harsh but she is completely in the wrong. Find your strength. Don't let people mistreat you. I cut out my dad years ago because he is awful. Best decision I have ever made. I have never regretted it.

I would discuss with your husband how to pay her the £1500 ASAP to get her out of your life and then go low/no contact.